I think I know what Snoop Dogg was talking about now. I lost a $20 bill yesterday. Yeah, I know you're thinking "yeah, then what" but for some reason it was very frustrating and it's really stuck in my craw. I obviously don't know exactly when or where it happened and I didn't realize it until it was too late to retrace my steps. I know it's just $20 and that I waste money on a very regular basis but something about just losing money for no good reason is really annoying.
It reminded me of a somewhat similar situation that happened a couple of years ago. My sister was staying with me at the time and since she was "between opportunities" money was a little tight. One day I gave her $20 to pick up some some groceries. Before she left I gave her a talk reminiscent of the one Harry gives Lloyd in the movie "Dumb & Dumber". I gave her "the last of our dough" and instructed her to pick up "just the essentials" Okay, I didn't really give her a pep talk before she left but in hindsight maybe I should have.
As she left her mood was bright and there may have even been skipping and whistling. You know that feeling you got when you were a kid and your mom gave you a couple of dollars to go buy candy at the store? Yeah, me neither but I think this was what it would have looked like. Unfortunately, within a few minutes she returned to my apartment empty handed and looking rather dejected. I thought maybe she had forgotten something but as it turned out she got to the store and realized she had lost the $20 somewhere on the way to the store. I was worried that at this rate, the two of us were on pace to make Lloyd and Harry look like Mensa candidates. Not to worry though, if there's one thing I'll say about my sister it's that she's a very quick learner. Please, my mama didn't raise no fools!
"I'm not going to wear these pants anymore" she explained. I wasn't quite following the logic here but she continued, "These pants have holes in both of the pockets and that's where I put the money so I think that's probably how I lost it." Did I also mention that my sister has amazing powers of deduction? I immediately got Angela Lansbury on the blower to let her know that her services would no longer be required because my sister had put an end to this baffling mystery all by her lonesome.
The truth was, my sister was far more annoyed by the whole thing than I was. Sure we couldn't afford to eat for a week but for some reason I found the situation quite funny at the time. It's just money right? Plus, as the Good Book says "Money is the root of all evil." Then again, my dad always told us that the "lack of money was the root of all evil". So I guess you could understand if the two of us didn't know how to feel about the situation. Now that I'm thinking about it, I guess that means that my sister's pants were the root of all evil since they were seriously lacking in the money department. When I think about it that way I guess we were lucky to just lose the $20 considering how often she wore those pants. Speaking of which, I should probably give her a call and make sure she got rid of those pants...and to see if she can lend me $20.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Welcome In, Welcome In...Shame About the Weather
So it's the first long weekend of the summer here and that whole global warming thing Al Gore was talking about just seems to be a bunch of broken promises. I think this is the third time this month that I've put away a bunch of my winter clothes thinking that I wouldn't need them for a few months only to find myself digging them out two days later as I realize that there's a good chance I could catch pneumonia if I don't throw a sweater over my tankini. It's not that I have a problem with having to hold off on wearing my tankini, it's just that I'd like a little consistency. If it's going to be spring then great let's do spring but if it's going to be summer then let's do that for more than a day and a half.
As much as I love the springtime I have to say that there is one thing that I despise about the springtime and it is the return of the bicycle shorts. I guess I've just always been more of a fan of form over function so I just don't understand why there isn't any way to make bicycle shorts less hideous looking? Is spandex the only material that can be used in this particular application? I just want to know why the bicycle short technology has not come further than this. Ordinarily bicycle shorts are not something I spend a great deal of time thinking about but there's this guy at work who bikes to work everyday in a rather revealing pair of these shorts. Despite the fact that he changes shortly after he arrives every morning, the site of him in those shorts, even for a brief moment makes it very difficult to a) keep my breakfast down and b) take him even a little bit seriously in the work environment. Like the other day he was talking in a meeting and he said something to the effect of "although last quarter's results fell a little short of our targets..." and I felt like saying "and speaking of little shorts...". So from then on I couldn't hear a word he was saying.
On a positive work related note, I did have a rather productive day at work the other day. I've recently taken up the game of squash. I've sort of always been intrigued by the sport since it seems like everyone who plays it gets really into it. Plus, there's a squash court in the fitness facility we have at work and so I figured it was a good opportunity to give it a shot. So for the last month I've been practicing and practicing with this one guy at work who actually is a really good player and who's been kind of showing me the ropes. So last week he told me that he thought I was at the point where I probably wouldn't embarrass myself if I started playing other people. Boy did I feel on top of the world when he put it that way. The next day at work I started talking to one of the guys who works with me who used to be quite a squash player until he injured his knee and I was telling him that I was looking for people to play against. He suggested I get in touch with his wife since she's a pretty good player and she'd probably be up for it. He gave me her phone number and since I didn't have a piece of paper on me I started writing it on the inside of my hand. About an hour later I was talking to another one of my colleagues and he noticed the number on my hand as I was talking and asked "What's that on the inside of your hand?" For a split second I thought about making something up but then just replied "Well, it's actually Jim's wife's phone number." Before I could explain why I had her number he responded "Good job. I've been trying to get her number for months." We both had a good laugh about it but unfortunately, it actually was kind of a step up for me. The last phone number I got at work was from a married 58 year old man who had three kids that were all older than me...and I don't think he wanted me to play squash with his wife.
Before I close I guess I should explain the title of this blog entry. It's a line from a Travis song called "My Eyes" off their new album called "The Boy With No Name". It is currently my favourite song. I think I've played this song about fifty times since I bought their new album yesterday. If you are or have ever been a Travis fan I'd recommend checking the album out. They don't chart a lot of new territory but they do what they do best. Either way, I'd recommend at least checking out this song.
By the way, another post will follow shortly with highlights from my recent road trip. I thought having teasers for upcoming posts would really boost readership interest. If it doesn't work though I'll just go back to posting once every six months which also seems to take anticipation to record heights.
As much as I love the springtime I have to say that there is one thing that I despise about the springtime and it is the return of the bicycle shorts. I guess I've just always been more of a fan of form over function so I just don't understand why there isn't any way to make bicycle shorts less hideous looking? Is spandex the only material that can be used in this particular application? I just want to know why the bicycle short technology has not come further than this. Ordinarily bicycle shorts are not something I spend a great deal of time thinking about but there's this guy at work who bikes to work everyday in a rather revealing pair of these shorts. Despite the fact that he changes shortly after he arrives every morning, the site of him in those shorts, even for a brief moment makes it very difficult to a) keep my breakfast down and b) take him even a little bit seriously in the work environment. Like the other day he was talking in a meeting and he said something to the effect of "although last quarter's results fell a little short of our targets..." and I felt like saying "and speaking of little shorts...". So from then on I couldn't hear a word he was saying.
On a positive work related note, I did have a rather productive day at work the other day. I've recently taken up the game of squash. I've sort of always been intrigued by the sport since it seems like everyone who plays it gets really into it. Plus, there's a squash court in the fitness facility we have at work and so I figured it was a good opportunity to give it a shot. So for the last month I've been practicing and practicing with this one guy at work who actually is a really good player and who's been kind of showing me the ropes. So last week he told me that he thought I was at the point where I probably wouldn't embarrass myself if I started playing other people. Boy did I feel on top of the world when he put it that way. The next day at work I started talking to one of the guys who works with me who used to be quite a squash player until he injured his knee and I was telling him that I was looking for people to play against. He suggested I get in touch with his wife since she's a pretty good player and she'd probably be up for it. He gave me her phone number and since I didn't have a piece of paper on me I started writing it on the inside of my hand. About an hour later I was talking to another one of my colleagues and he noticed the number on my hand as I was talking and asked "What's that on the inside of your hand?" For a split second I thought about making something up but then just replied "Well, it's actually Jim's wife's phone number." Before I could explain why I had her number he responded "Good job. I've been trying to get her number for months." We both had a good laugh about it but unfortunately, it actually was kind of a step up for me. The last phone number I got at work was from a married 58 year old man who had three kids that were all older than me...and I don't think he wanted me to play squash with his wife.
Before I close I guess I should explain the title of this blog entry. It's a line from a Travis song called "My Eyes" off their new album called "The Boy With No Name". It is currently my favourite song. I think I've played this song about fifty times since I bought their new album yesterday. If you are or have ever been a Travis fan I'd recommend checking the album out. They don't chart a lot of new territory but they do what they do best. Either way, I'd recommend at least checking out this song.
By the way, another post will follow shortly with highlights from my recent road trip. I thought having teasers for upcoming posts would really boost readership interest. If it doesn't work though I'll just go back to posting once every six months which also seems to take anticipation to record heights.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Don't Even Get Me Started
I moved about a year and a half ago and a few months ago I kind of took stock of the number of friends I had made in my new hometown and let's just say that didn't take long. Aside from a couple of work friends I really didn't have much to show for myself. Plus, I don't really believe that work friends actually count as "friends" until you are able to sustain the friendship outside of the working relationship. So technically unless I quit my job tomorrow and am somehow able to maintain those friendships I actually have made no new friends since I've moved.
So in an effort to kind of get out there and meet some of the locals I decided to join a softball team. It seemed like a pretty harmless way to get out there and mingle with some of the laid back country folk in my area. I'm starting to wonder if I might end up with more than I bargained for.
My first interaction with my new teammates was during a fundraiser we held a couple of weekends ago. I wish I had known in advance how painful it was going to be because I would have offered to donate both of my kidneys to science just to raise enough money to avoid this extremely painful social experience.
So for starters I didn't know anybody there. This obviously shouldn't have been surprising since this was what got me into this mess in the first place. What a vicious cycle this was turning out to be! Not to worry though I knew that once I got my magnetic personality into gear I'd have this group in the palm of my hand. Unfortunately, I quickly realized that I was going to need a plan B stat. As I sat alone in the corner of the room feverishly planning my next move, one of my new teammates came by and started talking to me. Well this was a relief. I guess the old magnetic personality was doing the trick after all. That or the sad and lonely look on my face. Either way this was progress. So we started talking and by “we” I mean her. Turns out she wasn't really looking for someone to talk to so much as someone to talk at. Well, beggars can't be choosers right? It sure beat sitting and thinking of ways to fake a diabetic coma...or so I thought.
My new friend worked in the mental health profession and so I thought that this would mean she would have many interesting stories to tell. Unfortunately it turned out to be more a case of "birds of a feather...". So in the two hours she talked at me she never did get around to any interesting stories. Instead she talked about the most random crap. Like when she told me in detail about the breast reduction surgery she had just had. I thought to myself at the time "I'm sorry, correct me if I'm wrong but did we just meet 10 minutes ago?" After I thought about it I kind of understood where she was coming from. If there's one thing I've learned about successful teams it's that honesty and communication are paramount. The last thing I'd want to happen is that a couple of months down the road I find out that the person I've been shagging flies with for the last two months used to be a 34 DD and I had no idea. Talk about being blindsided! (Actually, she was a 34FFF but that's just one of the many insignificant details she felt the need to share with me.)
Finally, at some point between the talk of breast reduction surgery and how to properly zest a lemon a couple of our other teammates made their way over to our table. Sure they may have just seemed like a couple of regular people but to me they were saviours, my own personal United Nations relief mission if you will, except useful and with an actual mission. After a few minutes, one of the girls pulled a Houdini act and actually managed to interject herself into the one way conversation. Somehow she ended up talking about a new refrigerator she had purchased. Under normal circumstances this would be an instant cure for insomnia for me but because it was someone else talking I was truly riveted. She could have been speaking Swahili at this point and I would have been transfixed. Sure enough, as this girl starts to talk about her new appliances my old friend "The Dominator" pipes up and says "Oh, don't even get me started on appliances." I instantly thought to myself "She doesn't seriously have a story about appliances! And don't toy with me. If you're serious, then please tell me how to not get you started because I need to know post haste how to not get you started!" As it turned out, she was just bluffing and she actually wanted to get started and did get started. Eventually, after a half an hour discourse on self-cleaning ovens I was left alone with her again as my friends from the United Nations abandoned me. Not surprising I suppose given that organization’s track record.
Fortunately, I eventually was able to finagle my way out of what seemed to be the conversational equivalent of the
Sunday, April 01, 2007
The Journey is the Destination
I do believe that life is more about the journey than the destination. When it comes to vacations though, it's about a little bit of both for me. I'm planning on taking some vacation at the end of the month and I've been thinking about what my options are. The thing is, I just don't have a lot of patience for air travel. I resent having to spending any part of my vacation dealing with the frustration of air travel which over the last couple of years has only gotten more painful.
So for my money it doesn't get much better than an old fashioned road trip. Unfortunately, I had to be ten years removed from my childhood to really gain an appreciation for the road trip experience. This was due to the fact that my only road trip experiences were the rather fateful ones I took with my family as a child. They were without a doubt some of my most unpleasant childhood memories.
The first problem with family road trips was that we always chose to enjoy the open road in the middle of the summer and usually when our car's air conditioning had crapped out. It almost seemed like my dad would come home one day and tell my mom "Honey, the air conditioning in the car just went on the blink." At which point they'd look at each other and in unison declare, "Well, let's grab the kids and a cooler and hit the road before temperatures drop below 85 degrees." Despite the many mechanical malfunctions of every vehicle we ever owned there was one thing that never seemed to break. No matter how many prayers I said, that tape player never stopped churning out those songs my dad enjoyed so much. It was such a great reminder to me that the good Lord did indeed have a sense of humour. I didn't ever get his jokes but one of these days that punch line's going to hit me and I am going to have the laugh of a lifetime.
It also didn't help that whatever vehicle we were driving at the time was always way too small for a family of six. This meant the four of us kids were always gunning for those two coveted window seats. There was nothing worse than being stuck in the middle of a sibling sandwich for ten hours. Unfortunately it seemed that window seats were assigned based on seniority and since I was third in line I rarely secured one of those. When I did manage to get a window seat it was like a little slice of heaven. If I closed my eyes, plugged my ears, and turned my body at just a slight angle I hardly noticed anyone was there. Plus, I could use the window ledge as an arm rest. One year I got the most amazing one arm tan. At first I thought it looked a little odd but eventually I just decided to own it. I've always thought that symmetrical tanning was overrated anyway.
So I've learned a few things about road trips since those fateful childhood trips. One of them is that the key to enjoying the road trip experience is finding suitable road trip buddies. Choosing road trip buddies can be very tricky business. Even people that I love dearly are not necessarily compatible road trip partners. For instance, my best friend and I took a road trip once. Let me emphasize the word ONCE because that mistake was not made twice. We literally did not talk to each other for six months after that fateful trip so we have not shared a car ride for more than a couple of hours since then.
Next on my list of people I can't do road trips with are my parents. Let me just say that I love my parents dearly. However, it's just something about them and me in a car that just doesn't work. Whether it's my mom howling at my dad to slow down or not follow so closely, it's my dad driving two miles per hour whilst making three calls on his cell phone while also singing and whistling to whatever cassette tape he managed to salvage from the collection left behind by Noah (as in the ark). The problem is I can't tune any of this out because we're in a five foot by foot space. Plus, no matter how loud the music is in my headphones it's never louder than my dad's whistling unless I want to risk irreversible hearing damage which I have to admit for a moment seems like a pleasant alternative. So at this point in our "vacation" I'm feeling like a Dixie Chicks fan at a Republican convention and I'm looking for the nearest exit. Unfortunately, we've just pulled out of the driveway and the only way to make a quick exit involves throwing myself out of a moving vehicle. Sure we're only moving at three miles per hour because my dad's making another phone call but I'm pretty sure that would still be painful and also hard to explain. Honestly I'm not even sure it's the road trip thing that's the problem with my parents. I have a feeling that they could find a way to make a full body shiatzu massage stressful for me because that's just the way they roll.
So if I can't travel with my best friend or with the two people responsible for my existence on this earth you might be asking who can I travel with? Well, it's obviously a short list but there are actually a few people that I've managed to road trip successfully with. If I can't talk any of them into joining me this time I can always go it alone I guess? Of course it's not ideal but I've always been more a fan of the road less traveled anyway.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
The Shoe Doctor
I made a trip to see my local cobbler this week. I know most people don't use the term cobbler anymore but it really takes me back to the days of yore so I like to use it whenever possible.
I have a lot of respect for a good cobbler. They're a dying breed and now I think I know why. So I found this really great pair of boots last weekend. Finding the perfect pair of boots is a lot like finding a soul mate in that it's difficult to articulate exactly what you're looking for but when it crosses your path you know your life will never be the same. Unfortunately, I don't really believe in soul mates but that doesn't stop me from believing that the perfect pair of boots is out there waiting for me to find them.
So these boots were perfect except for one minor thing - they were knee high boots, and I just wasn't really in the market for knee high boots. Fortunately, I could see past this and knew that these boots, like my future soul mate, would be perfect with just a little bit of tweaking.
I arrived at my cobbler's and explained to him how I wanted to modify the boots from knee high to ankle boots. He gave the boots a once over, took a moment to really absorb the gravity of the situation and after a long pause said in his Italian accent "So these boots are basically no good to you? They're no good to you like this." I wasn't exactly sure if he was asking me or telling me but I responded "Well, I wouldn't exactly say that they're..." He quickly interrupted, "I hope that they were giving these boots away." Unfortunately, I had actually paid a monetary sum for them so I felt like a real idiot at that point. I felt like saying, "Vincenzo, last I checked I was the customer here. The customer who's trying to give you a job to keep you in business which let me tell you is no easy task. Do you realize you're in an almost extinct profession? I singlehandedly keep the town candlestick maker and blacksmith in business so you are messing with the wrong person! The milkman gave me some attitude a while ago and I think we know how that worked out."
Obviously I didn't really tell Vincenzo what I thought. The thing about Vincenzo is that not only is he a master shoe surgeon, he's also an artist. I've come to realize that the more talented the artist the more temperamental they are so it really was a good sign.
I picked my boots up from Vincenzo today and let me tell you he did not disappoint. Judging by his work I'm guessing that all of the time and energy he saves with his lack of decorum is poured into his work. I guess that's the luxury of being talented. People tend to be more willing to overlook your shortcomings if you bring something else of value to the table. Boy can I hardly wait to become talented so I can start walking all over people. I've already got the perfect pair of boots for it.
I have a lot of respect for a good cobbler. They're a dying breed and now I think I know why. So I found this really great pair of boots last weekend. Finding the perfect pair of boots is a lot like finding a soul mate in that it's difficult to articulate exactly what you're looking for but when it crosses your path you know your life will never be the same. Unfortunately, I don't really believe in soul mates but that doesn't stop me from believing that the perfect pair of boots is out there waiting for me to find them.
So these boots were perfect except for one minor thing - they were knee high boots, and I just wasn't really in the market for knee high boots. Fortunately, I could see past this and knew that these boots, like my future soul mate, would be perfect with just a little bit of tweaking.
I arrived at my cobbler's and explained to him how I wanted to modify the boots from knee high to ankle boots. He gave the boots a once over, took a moment to really absorb the gravity of the situation and after a long pause said in his Italian accent "So these boots are basically no good to you? They're no good to you like this." I wasn't exactly sure if he was asking me or telling me but I responded "Well, I wouldn't exactly say that they're..." He quickly interrupted, "I hope that they were giving these boots away." Unfortunately, I had actually paid a monetary sum for them so I felt like a real idiot at that point. I felt like saying, "Vincenzo, last I checked I was the customer here. The customer who's trying to give you a job to keep you in business which let me tell you is no easy task. Do you realize you're in an almost extinct profession? I singlehandedly keep the town candlestick maker and blacksmith in business so you are messing with the wrong person! The milkman gave me some attitude a while ago and I think we know how that worked out."
Obviously I didn't really tell Vincenzo what I thought. The thing about Vincenzo is that not only is he a master shoe surgeon, he's also an artist. I've come to realize that the more talented the artist the more temperamental they are so it really was a good sign.
I picked my boots up from Vincenzo today and let me tell you he did not disappoint. Judging by his work I'm guessing that all of the time and energy he saves with his lack of decorum is poured into his work. I guess that's the luxury of being talented. People tend to be more willing to overlook your shortcomings if you bring something else of value to the table. Boy can I hardly wait to become talented so I can start walking all over people. I've already got the perfect pair of boots for it.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
So a friend recently relayed a story that I found pretty funny and for some reason it got me thinking. As the story goes, my friend who we'll call "Michelle" was minding her own business while in a local Starbuck's type establishment. As she's sitting there she sees a woman in a wheelchair making her way to the restroom. Being the kind soul that she is she thinks to herself that maybe she should go assist the woman. She makes her way over and opens the door for her and makes sure she gets into the bathroom alright. If you're keeping track at home this would be mistake #1.
As it turns out this woman is paraplegic and she asks my friend if she wouldn't mind helping her get out of her wheelchair and onto the toilet. Here's where things start to get dicey for me. Of course nobody wants to walk away from a paraplegic in need but I think it's asking a lot of a complete stranger to expect them to help you on and off a toilet. Surprisingly unfazed however, Michelle agrees to assist. Now that her new friend is securely mounted on the toilet Michelle assumes that she'll excuse herself and allow the woman to take it from here. Unfortunately, in addition to being a paraplegic this woman also has a fear of abandonment and asks her if she'll just wait until she's done.
This story did get me thinking though. It got me thinking about how something like this would never happen to me. It's not because I'm not a kind person because I do think that I actually am. Then again maybe that's like how everybody thinks they’re a good driver? I guess I just don't really look for or invite opportunities to help strangers into my life. Sure if someone asks for help I'm more than happy to help and I think about helping people all the time. I sometimes see strangers walking down the street and think to myself "Wow, I wish I could help them. They look like they could use it." In the end though I spend a lot of time worrying that I might be intruding. After all, the last thing I'd want to do is offend someone by presuming that they need my help. In order for me to help someone I like to be sure of the need either by way of an engraved invitation or an excessive amount of blood or carnage. Unfortunately this means that sometimes I'm a day late and a dollar short. Michelle on the other hand didn't wait to be asked to help. Sure this might mean she’ll end up handling a few adult diapers before all is said and done but she ended up doing a good thing and got a good story out of it which of course makes just about anything worthwhile.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Pony Rides at 4:00
Email is a very powerful tool. I'm not sure who invented it which is kind of surprising don't you think? It seems like that kind of invention would make you pretty famous. My sister insists it's this guy she plays tennis with but I've yet to verify that. Either way it's a very useful tool and it's kind of hard to think about how much it's changed how we communicate. As of late I've been realizing how dangerous this tool can be especially in the work environment. No other tool gives everyone endless opportunities to make complete idiots of themselves.
First let me begin by discussing the annoying and inappropriate use of the "reply to all" button. This button is a very powerful one and one that should be used judiciously. I honestly think that anytime you hit the "reply to all" button there should be a secondary warning like "Are you sure you want to reply to ALL?" The problem is that there seems to be a group of very clueless individuals who can't seem to find the simple "reply" button. Like when an email goes out to all employees announcing something like "There will be a quarterly business update next Wednesday at 1:00 PM" and invariably one or more peons reply to all with some sort of useless message like "Thanks Jim see you at 1:00". Seriously, Jim doesn't care and I care even less than Jim so quit cluttering my inbox and get back to work. Another example of the inappropriate use of the "reply to all" button happened a while ago when I invited a bunch of people from work over to my place for a get together. I invited about 25 or so people via email. In the email I gave details about date and time and other relevant information. I sarcastically mentioned that the event would "kick off around 4:00PM with pony rides and a marching band". A number of people replied to me individually but one unfortunate soul replied to all and said "Oh, pony rides - sounds like fun! Can I be the first in line? See everyone Saturday!" Needless to say I instantly remembered why she annoyed me and why I didn't want to invite her in the first place. I didn't reply to her email since I didn't think there was much point. One of my colleagues however wasn't able to resist and replied "Yes, you can be first in line. Sincerely, Pony."
The other thing I don't get about email at work are the people that use it to write personal things that quite frankly I wouldn't want to keep a record of. For example, a co-worker of mine who I will refer to as "Jane" forwarded some emails to another colleague we'll call "Sandra". The emails were related to a project the two of them were working on. However, after sending Sandra all of the related emails Jane realized that she had forwarded her one too many. After Jane realized this she quickly emailed Sandra and asked her to delete the last email she had sent her and asked her not to read it. Of course that sort of sounded like an invitation to Sandra so she immediately opened the email to find out what the fuss was about. What she found was a rather suggestive email from a male co-worker of ours named "John" . The email detailed their plans to meet up that weekend and how he doesn't know if he can wait until Saturday to see her and included some rather vivid descriptors of what he had planned for their time together. He also mentioned that he wasn't sure if he could stay long on Sunday since it was Father's Day. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that he's married. To be fair though, he seems to have his priorities in order. What makes the story even more painful/hilarious is that as soon as Sandra read this email she forwarded it to ten or more of her nearest and dearest co-workers. So within a few hours pretty much everyone knew about this rendezvous on the weekend. To make matters worse the next day at lunch with all of the key players in attendance one of the guys who received a copy of this email begins the lunch hour conversation by asking "So anyone have any exciting plans for the weekend?"
First let me begin by discussing the annoying and inappropriate use of the "reply to all" button. This button is a very powerful one and one that should be used judiciously. I honestly think that anytime you hit the "reply to all" button there should be a secondary warning like "Are you sure you want to reply to ALL?" The problem is that there seems to be a group of very clueless individuals who can't seem to find the simple "reply" button. Like when an email goes out to all employees announcing something like "There will be a quarterly business update next Wednesday at 1:00 PM" and invariably one or more peons reply to all with some sort of useless message like "Thanks Jim see you at 1:00". Seriously, Jim doesn't care and I care even less than Jim so quit cluttering my inbox and get back to work. Another example of the inappropriate use of the "reply to all" button happened a while ago when I invited a bunch of people from work over to my place for a get together. I invited about 25 or so people via email. In the email I gave details about date and time and other relevant information. I sarcastically mentioned that the event would "kick off around 4:00PM with pony rides and a marching band". A number of people replied to me individually but one unfortunate soul replied to all and said "Oh, pony rides - sounds like fun! Can I be the first in line? See everyone Saturday!" Needless to say I instantly remembered why she annoyed me and why I didn't want to invite her in the first place. I didn't reply to her email since I didn't think there was much point. One of my colleagues however wasn't able to resist and replied "Yes, you can be first in line. Sincerely, Pony."
The other thing I don't get about email at work are the people that use it to write personal things that quite frankly I wouldn't want to keep a record of. For example, a co-worker of mine who I will refer to as "Jane" forwarded some emails to another colleague we'll call "Sandra". The emails were related to a project the two of them were working on. However, after sending Sandra all of the related emails Jane realized that she had forwarded her one too many. After Jane realized this she quickly emailed Sandra and asked her to delete the last email she had sent her and asked her not to read it. Of course that sort of sounded like an invitation to Sandra so she immediately opened the email to find out what the fuss was about. What she found was a rather suggestive email from a male co-worker of ours named "John" . The email detailed their plans to meet up that weekend and how he doesn't know if he can wait until Saturday to see her and included some rather vivid descriptors of what he had planned for their time together. He also mentioned that he wasn't sure if he could stay long on Sunday since it was Father's Day. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that he's married. To be fair though, he seems to have his priorities in order. What makes the story even more painful/hilarious is that as soon as Sandra read this email she forwarded it to ten or more of her nearest and dearest co-workers. So within a few hours pretty much everyone knew about this rendezvous on the weekend. To make matters worse the next day at lunch with all of the key players in attendance one of the guys who received a copy of this email begins the lunch hour conversation by asking "So anyone have any exciting plans for the weekend?"
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
The Melvin Model
So yesterday at work I was sitting in a meeting. It was the kind of meeting that made me recall the "inspirational" poster that says "Meetings: None of us is as dumb as all of us." I've always wanted to buy that poster and put it up in my office. It would be right next to the one that says "Leaders are like eagles. We don't have either of them here." For some reason those slogans never get old. Anyway, I'm in this meeting trying to think of amusing ways to pass the time. My boss is droning on about a problem in our department. The funny thing about this problem is that I remember when I first started this job about a year and a half ago I sat in a meeting during my first week and this very same issue was discussed. In fact I think it was the exact same discussion except now I throw in my two cents. The problem is that we sit around and everybody vents, throws out opinions and suggestions but we never really come to any clear consensus. So as per usual I am attempting to ensure that I'm engaged enough in the discussion to avoid having the conversation turn my way without me having any clue about what's being discussed. After the first ten times that happens in a week it starts to get embarrassing. So I throw in a few insightful comments to which my boss replies "Well, yes we probably could go that route and I believe that is what the Melvin Model suggests." Then his boss pipes up and says "Well, I think what the Melvin model is really getting at is....." So at this point I'm wondering two things: 1. Could I convincingly fake a heart attack in order to get out of this meeting? and 2. What the hell's bells is the "Melvin Model"? I like to think that I'm fairly up to date on management models and theories but I've never heard of what seems to be a very relevant and popular theory. Finally after the fifth mention of the Melvin Model I asked my boss what the Melvin Model was? He explained "Melvin is the management systems expert at one of our other facilities. He was here last week and had some suggestions for us on some of the issues we're having so that's what we're referring to." So his suggestions are now called "The Melvin Model"? Are you kidding me? Well I guess it doesn't take much to become a legend around these parts? That's reassuring I guess. On an unrelated side note I'm suggesting we have assigned stalls in the bathroom. Can we call this the "Heather Model"? For some reason I seem to be the only person who finds this whole name your own model thing a bit humourous. So I decided t o have some fun with it. Today we're sitting in another meeting discussing something totally unrelated to the legendary "Melvin Model" and anytime I'm asked a question I suggest that we refer to the Melvin Model for direction. Most of the people in the meeting have no idea about the Melvin model but there's one guy who was in yesterday's meeting and finally after the fourth time I mention the Melvin model he gets annoyed and says "You know what you can do with the Melvin model?....." In the interest of keeping this blog PG rated I'll refrain from telling you what he said. Needless to say it was pretty funny. Poor Melvin though...it wasn't a very nice place he was suggesting I put it. I knew there was still more to be done with this and so throughout the day as people came to me with problems or questions I suggested they refer to the Melvin model. This was where the greatest power of the Melvin model was. That's because nobody knows what the Melvin Model is but they think they should know so they don't ask anymore questions they just leave you alone and go look for their answer somewhere else. I'm telling you it's a very powerful tool. In fact I'm thinking about taking the Melvin Model global. Who's with me?
Sunday, March 04, 2007
I Think I Might Be Allergic To You
I think I might be allergic to people. The truth is that I actually like people very much just not annoying people. The problem is that there seems to be an extremely high concentration of annoying people everywhere I go. Which also explains why I don't go many places. Unfortunately the one place I have to go is work and co-workers are like family in that you don't really have much choice in who they are. Over the last year our department has had so much turnover I decided to start calling people by generic names in order to avoid using up valuable memory space and brain power by learning people's names that weren't going to be around long anyway. So my male colleagues can expect to be called either Bob, Jim or Rajimder and female colleagues go by Susy, Jane or Hildegard. At first people thought I was just trying to be funny by calling people by random names but it's going on six months and I think they're kind of getting into it. In fact, the other day Rajimder emailed me a list of possible alternative names he'd like me to start calling him. It seems as though he wasn't so fond of the one I came up with for him. I explained to him that I understand where he's coming from but it's high time we stopped just talking about diversity and started really living it. Raj still wasn't convinced so finally I just said "listen Sven (that's his real name) I know it's not easy to be a convincing Raj when you're as white as you are but I don't look anything like a Heather so get over it! We all have our crosses to bear!"
So anyway, to make matters worse a new woman started in our department this week. Dealing with new people is always challenging for me. I believe there are basically two types of new people. The first comes in and is able to easily blend into the background. They speak only when spoken to, they don't rock the boat they just sort of quietly go about their business for a while until we forget that they're new and then they can start to have opinions and join in on our conversations. The other type is the person who feels the need to share their opinions on everything and invites themselves into conversations they aren't supposed to be a part of. My newest coworker would fall into the latter category. So on her first day I happenned to bake some cookies and bring them into work. I was talking to one of my coworkers when new girl heretofore known as Suzy came by and interjected herself into our conversation. I mentioned to Suzy that I had brought in some cookies and she was more than welcome to help herself. Suzy then asked "are there any nuts in them?" I told her that there were almonds in them at which point she informed me that she was allergic to nuts so she wouldn't be able to try them. I then asked "So you're allergic to ALL nuts?" "Well", Suzy replied, "not all nuts I'm just deathly allergic to peanuts and cashews I just don't like nuts in general." So why did you say you were allergic to nuts when you really just meant that you're allergic to cookies you don't think you'll like? Truthfully, I couldn't care less if Suzy tried one of my cookies. I happenned to spend months researching and testing multiple recipes and if she doesn't want to try the world's greatest cookie then it's no skin off my teeth. This was the first indication that my newest colleague was going to be a handful. The next day we had our weekly department meeting. This was Suzy's first meeting with our group and at the end of each meeting we go around the table and if anyone has anything that needs to be discussed that wasn't brought up at the meeting this is their opportunity to speak up. Most of the time it's pretty uneventful but this time Suzy had something to say. "I just wanted to let everyone know that I have a severe allergy to peanuts and cashews so if I come in contact with either of these I could die. So it would be a good idea if you didn't bring nuts with you to work." Well I guess that means we're not going to be carpooling then are we Suzy? Seriously though Suzy could we ratchet down the drama just one or two notches? You could die? I happen to know a couple of people who have severe nut allergies and last I checked it's not a death sentence. Yes it's serious but it's not cancer. I was so tempted to bring a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to work the next day and then hand it to her and say "So how long do you think you have?" Unfortunately it didn't quite end there. At the end of the week one of our co-workers was going to be leaving for another job and so a group of us were going out for lunch on her last day. At one point we were discussing the possibility of getting together for lunch again in a few weeks with our soon to be former co-worker. Somebody mentioned that there was a really good Japanese restaurant that we should go to. Suzy jumped in and said that she might not be able to eat there if they cooked with nuts. She said that if we gave her the name of the restaurant she could call them and find out if she could eat there. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. In fact why don't you head back to the office now and give them a call so we can finish our lunch in peace? And another thing Peanut Head, nobody cares if you can come to lunch with us! In fact I'm kind of hoping that this restaurant specializes in peanut butter sushi wrapped in cashews.
So I'm not sure how Suzy's going to make out with us. I'm hoping week one isn't an indication of things to come. Otherwise I can see the headline now "Annoying Co-worker Dies in Tragic Peanut Butter Cup Accident".
So anyway, to make matters worse a new woman started in our department this week. Dealing with new people is always challenging for me. I believe there are basically two types of new people. The first comes in and is able to easily blend into the background. They speak only when spoken to, they don't rock the boat they just sort of quietly go about their business for a while until we forget that they're new and then they can start to have opinions and join in on our conversations. The other type is the person who feels the need to share their opinions on everything and invites themselves into conversations they aren't supposed to be a part of. My newest coworker would fall into the latter category. So on her first day I happenned to bake some cookies and bring them into work. I was talking to one of my coworkers when new girl heretofore known as Suzy came by and interjected herself into our conversation. I mentioned to Suzy that I had brought in some cookies and she was more than welcome to help herself. Suzy then asked "are there any nuts in them?" I told her that there were almonds in them at which point she informed me that she was allergic to nuts so she wouldn't be able to try them. I then asked "So you're allergic to ALL nuts?" "Well", Suzy replied, "not all nuts I'm just deathly allergic to peanuts and cashews I just don't like nuts in general." So why did you say you were allergic to nuts when you really just meant that you're allergic to cookies you don't think you'll like? Truthfully, I couldn't care less if Suzy tried one of my cookies. I happenned to spend months researching and testing multiple recipes and if she doesn't want to try the world's greatest cookie then it's no skin off my teeth. This was the first indication that my newest colleague was going to be a handful. The next day we had our weekly department meeting. This was Suzy's first meeting with our group and at the end of each meeting we go around the table and if anyone has anything that needs to be discussed that wasn't brought up at the meeting this is their opportunity to speak up. Most of the time it's pretty uneventful but this time Suzy had something to say. "I just wanted to let everyone know that I have a severe allergy to peanuts and cashews so if I come in contact with either of these I could die. So it would be a good idea if you didn't bring nuts with you to work." Well I guess that means we're not going to be carpooling then are we Suzy? Seriously though Suzy could we ratchet down the drama just one or two notches? You could die? I happen to know a couple of people who have severe nut allergies and last I checked it's not a death sentence. Yes it's serious but it's not cancer. I was so tempted to bring a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to work the next day and then hand it to her and say "So how long do you think you have?" Unfortunately it didn't quite end there. At the end of the week one of our co-workers was going to be leaving for another job and so a group of us were going out for lunch on her last day. At one point we were discussing the possibility of getting together for lunch again in a few weeks with our soon to be former co-worker. Somebody mentioned that there was a really good Japanese restaurant that we should go to. Suzy jumped in and said that she might not be able to eat there if they cooked with nuts. She said that if we gave her the name of the restaurant she could call them and find out if she could eat there. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. In fact why don't you head back to the office now and give them a call so we can finish our lunch in peace? And another thing Peanut Head, nobody cares if you can come to lunch with us! In fact I'm kind of hoping that this restaurant specializes in peanut butter sushi wrapped in cashews.
So I'm not sure how Suzy's going to make out with us. I'm hoping week one isn't an indication of things to come. Otherwise I can see the headline now "Annoying Co-worker Dies in Tragic Peanut Butter Cup Accident".
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Sarcasm: The Ultimate Career Killer
So if the first step is recognizing the problem then I am there. In fact I was there a while ago. It’s just that critical second step that continues to elude me. When I started my first full time job I realized that I was going to have to rein in the level of sarcasm I used in the work setting. So for the most part during my professional career I’ve shown a great deal of restraint in this area but as of late seem to having increasing difficulty activating my internal filter.
So let me begin by setting the stage. It was taco salad day in the employee cafeteria which is pretty much the standout menu item at our sad excuse for a cafeteria. People wait months for taco salad day and it always arrive with much fanfare. The cafeteria is always packed to standing room only capacity. I’m a particularly big fan of taco salad day so I had corralled a group of colleagues from my department to join me for lunch.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
And We're Back...
After a bit of a hiatus I am back. I know it probably seems that I’ve just been lazy or uninspired but nothing could be further from the truth. In fact I’ve been pretty busy doing some of my most important life’s work. I started doing some soul searching a few months ago and started thinking about what my legacy was going to be here on this earth. You know, how was I going to be remembered and what was I going to leave behind? It was a very short and insignificant list and ended up being a very sobering time of reflection which soon turned into a not so sobering time of further reflection. Needless to say I realized I had essentially wasted a great deal of time. However, I also realized that I still had a chance to make something of my life. So I decided that the best way to make sure that I was remembered was to solve an important global problem. I began by making a list of some of the world’s greatest problems and figured I’d narrow it down from there. Here’s what the first draft of the list looked like:
- The
- Global Warming
- Polio
After perusing the list I decided to start by choosing the item on the list that I knew would have the most impact. This of course was the polio epidemic. However, after doing extensive research I was surprised to learn that apparently somebody had already beaten me to the punch on this one and found a cure a few years ago. Boy I wish my pediatrician had known about that. Ah well, it was an honest oversight I’m sure. Plus, my limp is barely noticeable to most people as long as I’m not moving. From there I decided to start with the low hanging fruit and so I began researching this middle east situation. To get a little perspective I watched the movie “
Although a little discouraged, I decided to soldier on. So I moved to the next item on my list which was global warming. I was so inspired by Al Gore’s “Inconvenient Truth” that I decided to start doing my part. First of all, can I just say how fascinating I find Al Gore. Here’s a guy who was a senator, a vice president, invented the internet, won/lost a presidential election is now attempting to put an end to global warming but probably still can’t get more than five people outside of a blue state to vote for him. What does a brother have to do to get some respect? A word to the wise here Al – quit doing things that matter since obviously nobody cares. Speaking of Al Gore I was just going through some boxes the other day and came across this bumper sticker I bought during the 2000 election that said “Nixon in 2000. At least he’s not as stiff as Gore.” C’mon you have to agree that’s pretty funny? Okay, you don’t. So back to me and Al Gore vs. global warming… So I decided the first step in my fight for the environment was to stop making fun of people with hybrid cars. This was when I realized that real progress doesn’t come without meaningful sacrifices. Next, I reduced my usage of CFC producing aerosol hairspray down to two bottles a day. Those of you who know me best will understand when I say that this was where the rubber really meets the road for me. Let me tell you for the first couple of days people barely recognized me. Fortunately though I found that not only was this a good move for the environment but also from a safety perspective as I realized that if someone had come within ten feet of me with any type of heat source I would have been lit up like a roman candle. Anyway, I really felt like I was making some progress That was until Christmas day rolls around and I realize I’m outside in what used to be referred to as the “Great White North” and it’s raining not snowing and I’m wearing a long sleeved shirt no jacket and feeling quite comfortable. That’s when this global warming thing really hit home. Fortunately, just as I was about to pull my Hummer out of storage to resume using it as my grocery-getter the temperature started to plummet and as of today I can spend no more than ten seconds outside without losing total feeling in my extremities. Now that’s what I call progress! Sure I have third degree frostbite and I may lose a toe or two but if Gandhi could go without a few big macs for the sake of his beliefs who am I to complain?
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
I'm Not Here to Make Friends
Have you ever worked with someone who's disclaimer whenever they were a complete jerk to people was, "Well I'm not here to make friends!" I've realized recently that I've worked with at least one or more of these people at every one of my jobs. I've also realized that each of these individuals has a great deal in common. For one, their lack of desire for friendships with the people they work with tends to become a self fulfilling prophecy. I've sort of become more curious about this phenomenom and have been trying to get a better understanding of what causes people to get to that place of complete disdain and indifference for the feelings of the people they work with. It sort of seems like fear of intimacy except in work relationships as opposed to personal ones. Did they have a work friendship that went horribly wrong? Don't get me wrong I think it's important to draw the line between your work and your personal life but since when did treating people with common decency become a precursor to an intimate and lifelong friendship. I just want to get through the day without wanting to get violent with my coworkers and people like you my "friend" make it very difficult.
And speaking of work... What's with the people that use the company printer to print totally inappropriate and non work related items? Of course we all use company resources for things that are not at all company related but am I the only one who knows how to do it discreetly? There's this guy I work with who's always printing off things that are totally non work related and he leaves them on the printer for everyone to view. For example, today I went to the printer to pick up something I printed and in my pile of papers I found an order form for a slimjim belt. Yeah, that's right, a slimjim belt. It had a big cowboy style belt buckle complete with the slimjim logo. I had no idea there was any sort of demand for slimjim belts. I guess it's true what they say: "One man's trash is another man's treasure." So for obvious reasons I found this a bit humorous. The problem was that everytime I saw this guy around the office for the rest of the day I had the urge to say "You know what would look great on you?" Luckily, I've resisted the urge...so far that is.
And speaking of work... What's with the people that use the company printer to print totally inappropriate and non work related items? Of course we all use company resources for things that are not at all company related but am I the only one who knows how to do it discreetly? There's this guy I work with who's always printing off things that are totally non work related and he leaves them on the printer for everyone to view. For example, today I went to the printer to pick up something I printed and in my pile of papers I found an order form for a slimjim belt. Yeah, that's right, a slimjim belt. It had a big cowboy style belt buckle complete with the slimjim logo. I had no idea there was any sort of demand for slimjim belts. I guess it's true what they say: "One man's trash is another man's treasure." So for obvious reasons I found this a bit humorous. The problem was that everytime I saw this guy around the office for the rest of the day I had the urge to say "You know what would look great on you?" Luckily, I've resisted the urge...so far that is.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
'Til Death Do Us Part?
I was at a wedding last weekend and it really got me thinking. It got me thinking about life, love and the inappropriate things people do at weddings. Of course it also got me thinking about the institution of marriage and what a HUGE commitment that is. I guess when I really think about it I can wrap my head around just about everything except the whole “till death do us part” thing. Unfortunately, as someone once told me the wedding vows aren’t really a buffet – they're kind of an all or nothing proposition. The problem is that I can barely commit to 'til next week do us part. I guess I could do the 'til death do us part thing if I was marrying someone I knew had a terminal illness or something but what are the chances of me being lucky enough to find someone like that?
On an unrelated wedding side note, I’d like to make a request to all of the DJ’s of the world that they permanently remove “Old Time Rock & Roll” from their playlists. This seems to be a staple in the wedding DJ catalog for some reason. I know that it really gets the old people out onto the dance floor and I can admit to on one occasion ten years ago turning this song up and singing to it when it came on the radio but it is officially time to move one. “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy” however can definitely stay on the list. It’s sort of a dark horse as far as wedding dance songs go but it’s a fun song and both young and old can appreciate it. Who among us hasn’t been attracted to someone with a farmer’s tan? Yeah that’s what I thought. And for all you country music haters out there – get over yourselves and get a sense of humor already.
Now for my own somewhat embarrassing admission... When I arrived for the ceremony there were two ushers that were seating people. One of them in particular caught my eye. He was good looking and of course had a really nice suit on and who among us can resist a good looking man in a nice suit? After I sat down I checked my program to find out who this was. As it turns out it was the bride’s stepfather. Yeah, I guess I forgot to mention that he was about my dad’s age. I was still going to go for it of course until I saw her mother and as luck would have it she was very attractive as well and as it turns out they’re quite serious. Well that’s if you call being married for ten years serious. As far as I’m concerned anything under twenty could go either way. Which brings me to the other problem I have with weddings – they cloud your judgment. I liken going to a wedding when you’re single to going grocery shopping when you’re hungry in that you make decisions you wouldn’t ordinarily make. Guy’s who you wouldn’t ordinarily look twice at start to look like Brad Pitt because they’re in a nice suit or you find the bride's stepfather attractive and ask the bride how serious her mother and stepfather are.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
The Art of the Dramatic Exit
So this week at work turned out to be an interesting one. It was a week filled with drama, intrigue and of course a little bit of humour.
At lunch time on Wednesday everyone in our department was summoned for an emergency meeting. Since “emergency” meetings are not a regular occurrence I was naturally a bit suspicious as to the agenda of this meeting. At high noon the ten of us shuffle into our tiny conference room which was designed to seat about five comfortably. I got there a couple of minutes early so I was fortunate to not have to sit on somebody’s lap. As we settle in, our boss looks around and asks “So is this everybody?” We all look around and realize that one person is missing. A few of us pipe up and say “Oh wait, John’s not here yet.” As it turns out John wasn’t going to make it after all. In fact, at that very moment John was being escorted out of his office and forced into early retirement. So as our boss tells us the news of John’s early departure and the impending organizational shuffle that will ensue we are all quite surprised. I mean John was not the most incompetent person I’ve worked with. In fact he’s not actually the most incompetent person in our department. He was also the person in the department with the most seniority in the company. This obviously doesn’t carry much weight but was still an interesting fact. Our boss explained that John was just “not a good fit” with the organization. Why it took them twenty years to figure that out I’m still not sure of. As he's breaking the news to us my first thought went back to a Fortune magazine cover story that came out about a year ago entitled "Fifty and Fired". It chronicled the growing trend of the aging workforce being forced out of their jobs in favour of younger/cheaper replacements. It was a sobering story and one that really got me thinking about things. Poor John, he was a decent guy, he was hard working and he was somebody's dad. In fact he has two daughters. I couldn't help but think about what that would be like if that were my dad. It's not easy finding a decent job at any age let alone at fifty. I think statistically you have a better chance of getting hit by lightning. And probably after a few years of a fruitless job search that might start looking like a good option. Anyway, I tried to think about the bright side. Because if there's one thing I'm known for it's always looking for the silver lining on life's storm clouds. Since John had been with the company for twenty years he was probably going to get a pretty decent financial package. Plus, if he enjoyed his job even half as much as the rest of us did he'd probably be much happier in the long run? I began looking around the room trying to read people's reactions. Of course there were the people who were only thinking about how inconvenient all of this was for them since they would have to pick up the slack for poor John. Then there were those of us who were desperately trying to read between the lines of what our boss was saying to understand what had lead to John’s hasty removal. Then there was my favourite individual reaction: As our boss is breaking the news to us it was obvious that one of my co-workers was taking the news VERY hard. Her face was red and she was fidgeting in her seat. Then finally a couple of minutes in as our boss continues to talk, she gets up from her seat and heads for the door. I think to myself “Wow, I thought the dramatic exit had gone out of style when
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Word to the Wise
“It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others”.
Definitely one of my favourite quotes and one that I try to live it on a daily basis. In keeping with that I would like to impart some wise counsel to you. So here it is: Do not under any circumstance watch more than three Oprah’s in one sitting. Okay, you’re probably asking yourself “Who has the time to watch more than three Oprah’s in a row?” A very good question and one to which there is only one correct answer – me. Ordinarily I’m not in the habit of watching three hours of Oprah in one sitting but this was an extenuating circumstance. I had been on vacation for a couple of weeks and so when I came back I had to work through all of the TV shows that were recorded while I was away. I started by working through my backlog of Gilmore Girls recordings. I mean who can resist this tender yet entertaining mother-daughter drama/comedy? Not me that’s for sure.
So I’m no longer ashamed to admit that I quite enjoy Oprah. I find her show both informative and entertaining. Yes she’s quite full of herself but I’m guessing it would be hard not to be with all of that money and power. So initially I had planned to see what each show was about and then delete the ones that didn’t interest me and move one. Five hours and one box of Kleenex later I realized that things hadn’t exactly gone according to plan. In my defense it is May sweeps which means that every show is impossible to turn off. It started out with a show on marriage with the first guest being Lance Armstrong’s ex-wife. Anyway, the former Mrs. Armstrong (she still kept Armstrong as her last name which I found interesting) had recently written an article for Glamour magazine about the “conspiracy of marriage”(Her words not mine people. I kind of wish they were though.). Unfortunately she didn’t talk any smack about Lance which was really what I was looking for. She mainly talked about how she lost her identity when she got married and forgot who she was. Maybe this was news to some people but I just though “yeah take a number”. Things got even more interesting when Dr. Robin started talking about her failed marriage. For those who don’t know Dr. Robin, she’s the show’s resident psychologist/advice giver. She’s kind of like Dr. Phil except with insight and no condescension or
Now for show #2… This one of course was another real pick me up. It was a follow up to a previous show done a couple of years previous. The previous show was about children who had been molested. This particular boy had been molested by his mother’s live-in boyfriend for number of years. His mother found out and asked the guy to get help. Fortunately this woman had an unending capacity for unconditional love because once he got “help” she got back together with him and as you can imagine this story ended well. Oh wait, not at all. Turns out he started raping her son again on a daily basis. Eventually she kicked him out and that was the end of the first show. The follow up show took a “surprising” turn. The son was on the show and talked about what had happened since he had been on the show with his mother. The good news was that his mother had eventually found lasting and undying love and had recently been married. The bad news was that it was to the same man who molested her son.
Fortunately, just when I was about to hit the pause button and go slit my wrists the show was over. However I did realize something quite interesting. After watching shows about people getting molested, divorced, cheated on, and being murdered in the Sudan I actually started to feel better. Yes I will agree all of their stories were quite sad but it also made me realize that I didn't have it so bad. There's something quite powerful in knowing that no matter how bad I think I've got it, somebody out there's got it worse. Although this contentment seems to only last until I remember all of the people that have it better than me. Well, I guess I better get back to Oprah.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Smell You Later
I am calling for an end to commercial air travel as we know it. I’ve never particularly enjoyed flying but I just took my first trans-atlantic flight (yeah I don’t get out much) which really solidified my thoughts on the need for reform.
A couple of quick suggestions for the airlines which I believe would go along way to not only improving the air travel experience but may also play a significant role in moving us closer to world peace.
1. When assigning seats to passengers could you also assign arm rests?
2. Do not announce over the loud speakers what is going on up in business class. The herded cattle back here in "hospitality" service don’t want to know. I thought that's what the curtain was there for? You know that whole "ignorance is bliss" thing. Here’s an example of what not so say based on my recent experience: “For our passengers in hospitality service the entertainment will begin shortly and the first movie being shown is “Aeon Flux” which by the way was recently nominated for worst movie of the year. For our passengers in business class your personal movie selections will be available shortly. Also for our passengers in business class our on board masseuse will be by momentarily followed by your personal chef who will be preparing your meal. For those in hospitality service, all of the food that falls on the floor in business class will be salvaged and served to you later in the flight. Thanks and enjoy your flight."
Now a few Do's and Don’ts for my fellow passengers:
Marinate yourself in any of the following spices prior to flying: Curry powder, cumin or garlic. Although all quite delicious when prepared properly they are also quite pungent when combined with body odour and confined spaces.
Remove your shoes and rest your feet underneath the seat in front of ME. If you don’t have enough room underneath the seat in front of you, guess what, neither do I!
Travel with an infant that cries non-stop unless you have had them fitted with a muzzle and are prepared to use it.
Expect to store more than one carry on bag in the overhead compartment. If you have chosen to bring five pieces of “carry-on” baggage on board I sure hope that at least four of them are going to detonate before take-off because there is not an infinite amount of overhead storage space available. I don’t think it’s fair that I have to store my ONE carry on bag under my seat while you have five of them stored away.
Use deodorant prior to boarding the plane. However if for some reason there are extenuating circumstance which prevent you from using deodorant, do not sit with your arms behind your head while seated next to someone who has a working nose.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Derailed
I was at my local Blockbuster recently and let me tell you the whole rental movie store experience has definitely run its course. I now completely understand why online rental companies have become so popular. Who has the time or patience to deal with the overly friendly staff and unwashed masses only to find that the one movie you wanted to see is not in stock despite there being about 60 empty cases taunting you from the display shelf.
So it’s Friday night and I’ve been assigned the task of picking up the movie that a friend and I had decided on seeing. I thought actually agreeing on what movie to see would be the most painful part of the experience but I was sadly mistaken. So obviously with it being Friday night the unwashed masses are out in full force. As I enter the store I assume my usual demeanor when in public places. It involves remaining very focused on the task at hand and avoiding eye contact with people at any cost. Of course if you’ve been to Blockbuster you know that company policy dictates that all customers entering the store are greeted by a staff member. I guess that’s fine except that they do it in such a way that makes me wonder if they’ve been told that they’d be struck down by an act of God if they missed just one customer. So I make my way to the movie that we agreed on which happened to be “Derailed”. As I’m walking over to the shelf I can see that there are a ton of copies on the shelf. Of course as I get to the shelf I realize that none of them have the coveted empty case behind them. So I stand there for a minute gazing longingly at the shelf trying to plan my next move. As I’m doing this a Blockbuster associate approaches me and asks me “So, are you looking for something in particular?” I’m tempted to reply “No, nothing in particular. I just thought I’d stand here and stare at these empty “Derailed” cases until I figured out what I wanted to see.” Instead I say “Yeah, I was actually looking for a copy of ‘Derailed’”. To which he replies “Well it looks like we’re out of them.” Again I’m thinking “Wow, I hope that they’re paying you handsomely because you are definitely the closest thing to indispensable this organization will ever see.” Then he says, “How about ‘Just Like Heaven’, we have lots of copies in stock?” First of all, there’s a reason you have lots of copies in stock buddy and no I don’t want to see “Just Like Crap”. When he senses my disinterest he moves in for the hard sell. “You know Reese Witherspoon’s in the movie and she just won an Oscar.” Wow, I had no idea Roger Ebert worked part time at my local Blockbuster! Although last I checked I don’t think she won the Oscar for her turn in “Just Like Heaven”. I then started wondering if Blockbuster was now paying their employees on commission. Why else would this guy be so motivated to move copies of “Just Like Heaven”?
All's well that ends well I guess. I finally located a copy of "Derailed" three video stores later I might add. If you haven't seen it I thought it was pretty good. Although for me Clive Owen + just about anything = Entertaining.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
I Fought The Law & The Law Won
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Bill Gates Does Not Own a Cat
Procrastination you are not my friend. It all started out pretty innocently which I guess can be said about a lot of things that don’t end that way. I had planned a rather ambitious evening for myself. I had company coming the next day and I needed to prepare a number of items ahead of time. I knew that I had a full evening ahead of me. By about
Eventually my cat woke up and left me and even though it was hard I knew it was for the best. I think she knew that if she didn’t get up I may not be able to. I think in some ways she knew it was in her best interest as well since if she kept things up I was liable to call in sick to work the next day and eventually lose my job which would be bad news for both of us. I appreciated her foresight. She is wise beyond her years. Well maybe not since I think she’s 85 in cat years or does that just apply to dogs? I just want to say for the record that before I had a cat I always thought cat people were slightly dysfunctional. There was always something just a bit off about them. I still stand by that theory I just understand the dysfunction now and embrace it.
Monday, March 06, 2006
I Wish I Knew How To Quit You
In a surprise twist at this year’s Oscars I didn’t feel the urge to get violent with my TV at any point during the broadcast. Sure it had it’s annoying moments like George Clooney winning for best supporting actor. It’s not that I didn’t think he deserves it because in all honesty I’ve been waiting years for somebody from the Facts of Life to finally get their due. (I always hoped it would be Mrs. Garrett.) Plus, there wasn’t anyone in this particular category that I thought was a standout. I don’t know what it is but something about George Clooney just makes me not want him to win anything. It seems like he’s gotten this far just on his charm so what does he need an Oscar for? Somebody else could put it to a lot better use. Aside from that I was a little disappointed that Catherine Keener didn’t win best supporting actress. She is definitely due. However, I couldn’t be too upset since this was a pretty tough category and I would have been happy with either Catherine Keener, Frances McDormand or Rachel Weisz winning.
Top 5 Oscar Highlights:
Only Dolly could get a room full of