'Til Death Do Us Part?

I was at a wedding last weekend and it really got me thinking. It got me thinking about life, love and the inappropriate things people do at weddings. Of course it also got me thinking about the institution of marriage and what a HUGE commitment that is. I guess when I really think about it I can wrap my head around just about everything except the whole “till death do us part” thing. Unfortunately, as someone once told me the wedding vows aren’t really a buffet – they're kind of an all or nothing proposition. The problem is that I can barely commit to 'til next week do us part. I guess I could do the 'til death do us part thing if I was marrying someone I knew had a terminal illness or something but what are the chances of me being lucky enough to find someone like that?

The other thing I realized is that weddings are the reason that marriage is so hard. Here’s my theory: So on your wedding day everything is at its best. You both look great, you’re in love (hopefully), you’re surrounded by all of your closest friends, family, some random people you don’t know and of course an open bar. How could things not go downhill from here? Your husband’s not going to be wearing a tuxedo everyday. Unless of course he’s a butler but I’m not sure how practical that is as a career choice. Your friends and family aren’t going to be over everyday dancing to “Old Time Rock & Roll” and “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy”. Plus, you’re not always going to have an endless supply of alcohol at your fingertips (although, that might not be a bad idea). So the bottom line from my perspective is that things can only go downhill after the wedding. Then again, I’m a bit of a hopeless romantic so take that for what it’s worth.

On an unrelated wedding side note, I’d like to make a request to all of the DJ’s of the world that they permanently remove “Old Time Rock & Roll” from their playlists. This seems to be a staple in the wedding DJ catalog for some reason. I know that it really gets the old people out onto the dance floor and I can admit to on one occasion ten years ago turning this song up and singing to it when it came on the radio but it is officially time to move one. “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy” however can definitely stay on the list. It’s sort of a dark horse as far as wedding dance songs go but it’s a fun song and both young and old can appreciate it. Who among us hasn’t been attracted to someone with a farmer’s tan? Yeah that’s what I thought. And for all you country music haters out there – get over yourselves and get a sense of humor already.

Now for my final thoughts on inappropriate wedding behaviour…

Let me first set the stage: It’s an outdoor wedding ceremony. It’s a beautiful summer day. The sun’s shining, birds are singing and a string quartet is playing in the background. Then from out of nowhere a woman files into the seat in front of me and she’s got the largest, most colourful tattoo on her upper back/shoulder area. This isn’t any ordinary tattoo though. It’s a good six inches by six inches and it’s got like three different colours. The actual tattoo is an orange tiger and it’s got a whole jungle theme going on. It was the kind of tattoo that made me feel like I should be paying admission to look at it. The bottom line however was that I found it quite distracting. As the bride was walking down the aisle I could barely see her because of the orange glow off of the tattoo. I don't have any problem with someone having a tattoo but I just think that if you’re going to have a massive tattoo on your back then maybe you can’t wear a dress that shows it when you’re at an event like a wedding. Sure Saturday afternoon at the park is a fine occasion to show it off but tattoo’s are not all occasion accessories. That’s why when it comes to tattoos the three most important things to consider when getting one are location, location, and location.

Now for my own somewhat embarrassing admission... When I arrived for the ceremony there were two ushers that were seating people. One of them in particular caught my eye. He was good looking and of course had a really nice suit on and who among us can resist a good looking man in a nice suit? After I sat down I checked my program to find out who this was. As it turns out it was the bride’s stepfather. Yeah, I guess I forgot to mention that he was about my dad’s age. I was still going to go for it of course until I saw her mother and as luck would have it she was very attractive as well and as it turns out they’re quite serious. Well that’s if you call being married for ten years serious. As far as I’m concerned anything under twenty could go either way. Which brings me to the other problem I have with weddings – they cloud your judgment. I liken going to a wedding when you’re single to going grocery shopping when you’re hungry in that you make decisions you wouldn’t ordinarily make. Guy’s who you wouldn’t ordinarily look twice at start to look like Brad Pitt because they’re in a nice suit or you find the bride's stepfather attractive and ask the bride how serious her mother and stepfather are.