As I write this entry, I'm lying on my bed looking out the window as snow falls outside. There's something really life affirming about a fresh layer of snow outside your door. I'm not sure why that is but it's pretty much the only thing I love about winter. Sure, I'm going to have to spend an hour shoveling like no one's watching tomorrow morning just to be able to get my car out of my driveway but at this very moment it makes me feel good.
You know what else makes me feel good? It's meeting people that are less fortunate than me. Before you get righteously indignant, let me explain. I'm not talking about people that are homeless or who's villages have been ravaged by a flesh eating plague. I'm talking about the run of the mill people you come across in your day to day life who just seem to have a few more problems than you do. I know it sounds cliche but I'm always amazed by the fact that no matter how bad I think I've got it, there's always someone who's got it worse. The key to this strategy working for you is not to go overboard with it. You've got to find someone who has just slightly more problems than you, like somewhere in the neighborhood of 10-15% more, based on severity of the problems or sheer volume. As soon as you cross this 10-15% threshold, the feelings of contentment with your life soon turn to feelings of sympathy and pity for this other person and that is the last thing you need. Well actually, the last thing you need is all of their problems.
Speaking of feelings of contentment, my cat has recently lost some weight. I haven't spoken of my cat's weight problem before but in light of her recent weight loss I've decided to go public with her struggle. My cat is about five years old and as she entered her cat teenage years she began gaining weight above and beyond normal levels. A lot of it seemed to be emotional eating and who could blame her since she's gone through a lot in her short life. From losing her entire family in a tragic drowning incident and being moved across the country. Who could blame her for using food to numb her pain? I felt almost helpless as I watched her weight spiral out of control. As much as I tried to reduce portion sizes and get her to be more active, nothing seemed to have any affect on her weight. I tried to tell her it was for her own good and that even though I loved her just the way she was, society wasn't going to be as accepting as I was. The more I tried to help her, the more she pulled away. I tried to tell her that she needed to do it for her own health and more importantly my pocketbook since I couldn't afford a big vet bill if she came down with some life threatening illness.
Nothing seemed to work and I just ended up feeling helpless and alone...but that was actually unrelated to my cat's weight problem. Anyway, about a month ago, I got a new kitten. With the addition of the kitten to the family, my cat has been forced to move more than twice a day. This new fitness regimen, coupled with the fact that the new kitten eats my cat's food, has resulted in some noticeable weight loss. In the end, I couldn't be more proud of her. Not just because she lost the weight but because she did it for the right reasons - fear, intimidation and emotional trauma.
Monday, December 03, 2007
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Things That Annoyed Me This Week
It's so hard to narrow it down to just three but here they are:
1. Overzealous Cooking Show Host
I'm a bit of a cooking show junkie. I have a few of my favourites but the other day I was watching one that I don't normally watch. For the first recipe of the show, the host said, "You can pretty much use whatever you have in your fridge for this recipe." She then strolls over to her fridge and pulls out fresh goat cheese, pancetta, farmer's sausage, creme fraiche, and fresh bay leaves. Are you kidding me? Just to play along I walked over to my fridge to see what I could come up with. Hmmm, how about some week old sliced turkey cold cuts, ketchup, cheddar cheese, skim milk and half a jar of capers? Can you work with that MacGyver? Yeah, I didn't think so.
2. Winter Averse Canadians
This past week a friend of mine was going to be in town for a conference and had asked me if I wanted to meet up for dinner one night. We made these plans a few weeks ago and confirmed them the day before. The day of, I got an urgent sounding voice mail at work saying that she would have to cancel our plans due to the bad weather because she was worried about what the drive home would be like. For the record, the "bad weather" she was referring to was approximately a half a centimeter of snow that had accumulated over the last twenty four hours which I would refer to as a "light dusting" and not exactly blizzard like conditions. I don't want to pick on my friend here but every year I'm astounded by the number of "so called" Canadians who seem to find it impossible to function at the sight of any kind of remotely winter-like conditions. Sure, I can understand it if you're new to the country and you've never dealt with it before but I'm talking about people who have been born and bred her and have known no other. Like at work, there's this guy who always shows up at least an hour late anytime there's even a flake of snow on the ground. And then when he finally shows up he's all like "You wouldn't believe the road conditions out there. It took me two hours to get here and it usually only takes me fifteen minutes." To which I respond (in my head), "Wow Jim that's pretty crazy. Did you drive your moped to work or did you take the Yellow Brick Road again because the rest of us somehow managed to navigate the same roads you did and get here two hours ago? Maybe you should think about hitching a ride with someone who has less of an active imagination."
3. Non-Drivers
Over the years my dad has coined some pretty classic sayings or names for things which have now become a part of my own vocabulary. One of them is the word "non -driver" which is the term my dad would use to refer to any driver that annoyed him and/or was a really bad driver. On any given day my dad would probably cross paths with at least a half a dozen of these "non-drivers" and if you were lucky enough to be along for the ride you were in for a treat and a half.
Well, I had my own encounter with a non-driver this week. This particular non-driver was also an elderly driver which in most cases are one and the same. I'm not trying to lump the elderly into one category but I will quote Harry from "Dumb & Dumber" when he said "I guess they're right: senior citizens; although slow and dangerous behind the wheel--can still serve a purpose." So here's what happened: I was driving down the street on my way to work. As I'm driving, I see a car coming towards me. This is a regular residential street with cars parked along one side, but there's still enough room for two lanes of traffic. This is a tricky driving predicament but not an uncommon one. The thing about this situations is that in a way you are entering into an agreement with the driver on the other end of the street. My job is to get as close to the side of the road as possible and their job is to navigate as close to the parked car on the other side of the road . If one of us fails to fulfill our end of the bargain we either end up engaged in an unplanned game of chicken or a head on collision, neither of which are pleasant options. As the car is moving towards me I see that there is plenty of room for both of us to pass as long as we both fulfill the terms of our unofficial agreement. Unfortunately, I also see that my friend on the other end of the street is driving a Buick which does not bode well for either of us. For the record, I don't have a problem with people buying Buicks but it just seems sort of counter intuitive because they usually buy these big cars to feel safe and then they end up in unsafe situations because they have no idea how to navigate them because they are so big. So my friend is leaving enough room for a marching band between her car and the parked cars which leaves me with the short end of the stick. As we get close, she starts to realize that there may not be enough room for both of us if she doesn't scooch over. At the last minute (as my life passed before my eyes), she readjusted and we managed to live to see another day. As we passed each other, I caught a glimpse of the horrified and panic-stricken look on her face. Something tells me she headed straight for the Smart Car dealership after our encounter. Sure they're hideous looking and unicyclists will pass you, but you can pretty much drive those things on a sidewalk, which might be the best option for Mabel.
1. Overzealous Cooking Show Host
I'm a bit of a cooking show junkie. I have a few of my favourites but the other day I was watching one that I don't normally watch. For the first recipe of the show, the host said, "You can pretty much use whatever you have in your fridge for this recipe." She then strolls over to her fridge and pulls out fresh goat cheese, pancetta, farmer's sausage, creme fraiche, and fresh bay leaves. Are you kidding me? Just to play along I walked over to my fridge to see what I could come up with. Hmmm, how about some week old sliced turkey cold cuts, ketchup, cheddar cheese, skim milk and half a jar of capers? Can you work with that MacGyver? Yeah, I didn't think so.
2. Winter Averse Canadians
This past week a friend of mine was going to be in town for a conference and had asked me if I wanted to meet up for dinner one night. We made these plans a few weeks ago and confirmed them the day before. The day of, I got an urgent sounding voice mail at work saying that she would have to cancel our plans due to the bad weather because she was worried about what the drive home would be like. For the record, the "bad weather" she was referring to was approximately a half a centimeter of snow that had accumulated over the last twenty four hours which I would refer to as a "light dusting" and not exactly blizzard like conditions. I don't want to pick on my friend here but every year I'm astounded by the number of "so called" Canadians who seem to find it impossible to function at the sight of any kind of remotely winter-like conditions. Sure, I can understand it if you're new to the country and you've never dealt with it before but I'm talking about people who have been born and bred her and have known no other. Like at work, there's this guy who always shows up at least an hour late anytime there's even a flake of snow on the ground. And then when he finally shows up he's all like "You wouldn't believe the road conditions out there. It took me two hours to get here and it usually only takes me fifteen minutes." To which I respond (in my head), "Wow Jim that's pretty crazy. Did you drive your moped to work or did you take the Yellow Brick Road again because the rest of us somehow managed to navigate the same roads you did and get here two hours ago? Maybe you should think about hitching a ride with someone who has less of an active imagination."
3. Non-Drivers
Over the years my dad has coined some pretty classic sayings or names for things which have now become a part of my own vocabulary. One of them is the word "non -driver" which is the term my dad would use to refer to any driver that annoyed him and/or was a really bad driver. On any given day my dad would probably cross paths with at least a half a dozen of these "non-drivers" and if you were lucky enough to be along for the ride you were in for a treat and a half.
Well, I had my own encounter with a non-driver this week. This particular non-driver was also an elderly driver which in most cases are one and the same. I'm not trying to lump the elderly into one category but I will quote Harry from "Dumb & Dumber" when he said "I guess they're right: senior citizens; although slow and dangerous behind the wheel--can still serve a purpose." So here's what happened: I was driving down the street on my way to work. As I'm driving, I see a car coming towards me. This is a regular residential street with cars parked along one side, but there's still enough room for two lanes of traffic. This is a tricky driving predicament but not an uncommon one. The thing about this situations is that in a way you are entering into an agreement with the driver on the other end of the street. My job is to get as close to the side of the road as possible and their job is to navigate as close to the parked car on the other side of the road . If one of us fails to fulfill our end of the bargain we either end up engaged in an unplanned game of chicken or a head on collision, neither of which are pleasant options. As the car is moving towards me I see that there is plenty of room for both of us to pass as long as we both fulfill the terms of our unofficial agreement. Unfortunately, I also see that my friend on the other end of the street is driving a Buick which does not bode well for either of us. For the record, I don't have a problem with people buying Buicks but it just seems sort of counter intuitive because they usually buy these big cars to feel safe and then they end up in unsafe situations because they have no idea how to navigate them because they are so big. So my friend is leaving enough room for a marching band between her car and the parked cars which leaves me with the short end of the stick. As we get close, she starts to realize that there may not be enough room for both of us if she doesn't scooch over. At the last minute (as my life passed before my eyes), she readjusted and we managed to live to see another day. As we passed each other, I caught a glimpse of the horrified and panic-stricken look on her face. Something tells me she headed straight for the Smart Car dealership after our encounter. Sure they're hideous looking and unicyclists will pass you, but you can pretty much drive those things on a sidewalk, which might be the best option for Mabel.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
First Casualty of Operation: Let the Healing Begin
Well, I sort of had a feeling this wasn't going to end well. Last week we were all pulled into an office and told that the head of our department (ie. my boss' boss) had just been let go by the company. Truth be told, I wasn't really surprised and quite frankly thought it was about two years overdue. It's not that I like to see anyone lose their job but the guy was clearly in way over his head and something had to be done. The best way to sum up his tenure would be to quote a friend of mine who said after the news broke "Well, I hope things work out for him. Hopefully he finds a job that's more suited to his talents - like one where he doesn't have to make any decisions or manage people." Ah yes, that would be perfect for him.
The other thing I sort of realized during this whole saga was that I think I might have become completely immune to other people's suffering because I felt very little emotion over the whole thing. I tried to think about the fact that he has four kids and he's the sole breadwinner and the fact that he's spent fifteen years with a company that just tossed him to the curb like yesterday's garbage and I honestly couldn't muster anything more than a sense of relief. I know how horrible that sounds but on some level I just really felt like he wasn't happy and that in the end he would probably be happier without the job. Plus, financially I know he was given a very handsome package so he'll definitely land on his feet. Once I made myself feel like less of a monster however, I started wondering if the reason I've become an emotional island in this regard is due to the fact that over the last year and a half I've seen more than a half a dozen people that I've worked fairly closely with lose their jobs? Some of them were harder than others to deal with but the last couple barely fazed me. I've really tried to learn to remove emotions from anything work related since it doesn't really feel worth the investment. It's definitely easier said then done but the truth is I kind of wonder that if I'm able to turn my emotions off in one area of my life then it may automatically transfer to other areas? I'm not quite sure right now but it worries me a bit.
One interesting side note to the whole story was that one of the reasons I wasn't surprised by the announcement was because I had sort of been tipped off ahead of time. You see, I was playing squash with a guy I work with the day before it all went down and afterwards we were talking about things in my department and some of the issues and frustrations I was having. He works in another department at a more senior level to me but works pretty closely with our department. Anyway, after I finished sharing my thoughts he said "Well, I don't want to get myself into any trouble here but I will just say that nature has a way of taking care of these things." I thought to myself, "Nature?? Is there a hurricane headed our way that's going to take out our senior leadership team?" I guess I sort of misunderstood because the human resources department ended up taking care of things in lieu of waiting for an act of God. The other interesting thing was who was named as his successor the next day. That's right - none other than my squash buddy. Things just keep getting curiouser and curiouser...
The other thing I sort of realized during this whole saga was that I think I might have become completely immune to other people's suffering because I felt very little emotion over the whole thing. I tried to think about the fact that he has four kids and he's the sole breadwinner and the fact that he's spent fifteen years with a company that just tossed him to the curb like yesterday's garbage and I honestly couldn't muster anything more than a sense of relief. I know how horrible that sounds but on some level I just really felt like he wasn't happy and that in the end he would probably be happier without the job. Plus, financially I know he was given a very handsome package so he'll definitely land on his feet. Once I made myself feel like less of a monster however, I started wondering if the reason I've become an emotional island in this regard is due to the fact that over the last year and a half I've seen more than a half a dozen people that I've worked fairly closely with lose their jobs? Some of them were harder than others to deal with but the last couple barely fazed me. I've really tried to learn to remove emotions from anything work related since it doesn't really feel worth the investment. It's definitely easier said then done but the truth is I kind of wonder that if I'm able to turn my emotions off in one area of my life then it may automatically transfer to other areas? I'm not quite sure right now but it worries me a bit.
One interesting side note to the whole story was that one of the reasons I wasn't surprised by the announcement was because I had sort of been tipped off ahead of time. You see, I was playing squash with a guy I work with the day before it all went down and afterwards we were talking about things in my department and some of the issues and frustrations I was having. He works in another department at a more senior level to me but works pretty closely with our department. Anyway, after I finished sharing my thoughts he said "Well, I don't want to get myself into any trouble here but I will just say that nature has a way of taking care of these things." I thought to myself, "Nature?? Is there a hurricane headed our way that's going to take out our senior leadership team?" I guess I sort of misunderstood because the human resources department ended up taking care of things in lieu of waiting for an act of God. The other interesting thing was who was named as his successor the next day. That's right - none other than my squash buddy. Things just keep getting curiouser and curiouser...
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Marc Cohn
Most people that know me know that I'm a huge music fan. I spend a lot of time listening to music both new and old. Most of my friends and family have at some point been on the receiving end of one of my famous/infamous mixed CDs. Some enjoy them and some use them as coasters but that doesn't stop me from churning them out at a rather alarming rate. When I hear a song or artist that I really love my involuntary response is to burn it onto a CD and distribute it to all of my nearest and dearest so they can share in the joy.
One of my favourite artists has always been Marc Cohn. If you don't know who Marc Cohn is then it really calls into question the caliber of your musical tastes. Most common folk would know him best from his big hit which was "Walking in Memphis". Most of his fans (and there aren't enough of them) know him from the four amazing albums he's put out. Being a Marc Cohn fan is definitely not for the impatient or faint of heart since Marc is not exactly a prolific songwriter. He's been around since 1990 and during that time span has put out only four albums. I'll tell you one thing though, when I listen to certain songs of his I think that, quite frankly, if he never wrote another song in his life he's already done more than his fair share.
In case you're wondering why I suddenly feel the need write about my deep and undying affection for Marc Cohn and his music, it's because I just saw him in concert last night and was reminded of what an amazing talent he is. I've seen Marc three times in concert which I think is quite an achievement considering how rarely he tours. The last time I saw him was a couple of years ago and I actually drove to Cleveland to see him because he didn't have a tour stop in Canada. Yeah, I'm pretty hardcore I guess. I remember when I went to the concert and on our way into the venue we had to show identification to verify our age and the bouncer saw my Ontario driver's license and asked shockingly "You came all the way from Ontario to hear this guy?" I thought to myself "clearly you have no idea who 'this guy' is, you idiot. Maybe if you took your Backstreet Boys CD out of heavy rotation in your CD player you'd discover some real music for a change you moron!" Of course I just smiled and continued since I wasn't going to let this guy rain on my parade.
Last night's concert was without a doubt the best concert I've been to. Of course I realize that this sort of thing is all very relative and everybody wants something different from a concert experience. Some people want to be entertained and need bells, whistles and fireworks to really consider a show amazing. That's definitely not what I'm looking for. Sure that's fun once in a while but what I really enjoy is quite simple and that is, good musicians playing good music. The main reason his music is so great is his ability to use his songs to tell stories and to take the listener right there with him. As he was singing one song in particular that I've always loved, but never quite understood, there was a moment where it just all of sudden clicked in my head what he was singing about and it reminded me what great music is all about. It has such an amazing power to connect people and their stories in a really unique and profound way.
I realize that I should close for now before my blog turns into a Marc Cohn fan site but hopefully I've conveyed my thoughts on Marc & his music. If I haven't quite done that then let me know because I've got a mixed CD that might just do the trick.
One of my favourite artists has always been Marc Cohn. If you don't know who Marc Cohn is then it really calls into question the caliber of your musical tastes. Most common folk would know him best from his big hit which was "Walking in Memphis". Most of his fans (and there aren't enough of them) know him from the four amazing albums he's put out. Being a Marc Cohn fan is definitely not for the impatient or faint of heart since Marc is not exactly a prolific songwriter. He's been around since 1990 and during that time span has put out only four albums. I'll tell you one thing though, when I listen to certain songs of his I think that, quite frankly, if he never wrote another song in his life he's already done more than his fair share.
In case you're wondering why I suddenly feel the need write about my deep and undying affection for Marc Cohn and his music, it's because I just saw him in concert last night and was reminded of what an amazing talent he is. I've seen Marc three times in concert which I think is quite an achievement considering how rarely he tours. The last time I saw him was a couple of years ago and I actually drove to Cleveland to see him because he didn't have a tour stop in Canada. Yeah, I'm pretty hardcore I guess. I remember when I went to the concert and on our way into the venue we had to show identification to verify our age and the bouncer saw my Ontario driver's license and asked shockingly "You came all the way from Ontario to hear this guy?" I thought to myself "clearly you have no idea who 'this guy' is, you idiot. Maybe if you took your Backstreet Boys CD out of heavy rotation in your CD player you'd discover some real music for a change you moron!" Of course I just smiled and continued since I wasn't going to let this guy rain on my parade.
Last night's concert was without a doubt the best concert I've been to. Of course I realize that this sort of thing is all very relative and everybody wants something different from a concert experience. Some people want to be entertained and need bells, whistles and fireworks to really consider a show amazing. That's definitely not what I'm looking for. Sure that's fun once in a while but what I really enjoy is quite simple and that is, good musicians playing good music. The main reason his music is so great is his ability to use his songs to tell stories and to take the listener right there with him. As he was singing one song in particular that I've always loved, but never quite understood, there was a moment where it just all of sudden clicked in my head what he was singing about and it reminded me what great music is all about. It has such an amazing power to connect people and their stories in a really unique and profound way.
I realize that I should close for now before my blog turns into a Marc Cohn fan site but hopefully I've conveyed my thoughts on Marc & his music. If I haven't quite done that then let me know because I've got a mixed CD that might just do the trick.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
World's Cutest Kitten Revealed
Pictured here you will see the most recent top prize winner in the "World's Cutest Kitten" contest who also just so happens to be my new kitten. Okay, so she hasn't officially won any titles yet but seriously she's got to be in the running don't you think? I've decided to make a one time exception to my self imposed "no photo" policy on my blog because I really thought that this was definitely a case of a picture being worth a thousand words.Before people get all up in my grill about how weird cat people are I'm going to set the record straight. Yes cat people can be weird but so can dog people and vegetarians and mormons so why do cat people get such a bad rap? For some reason people have this pre-conceived notion that cat people spend all their spare time holed up in their one bedroom apartments talking to their cats as if they were their nearest and dearest friends. Sure I do this more than a few times a week but what's so wrong with having a strong affection for another one of God's creatures? A creature I might add that is intelligent, self cleaning, and provides constant loyal companionship and unconditional love as long as they're rubbed incessantly and their food bowl is full? Nothing as far as I'm concerned.
Here's the bottom line: I don't expect everyone to have a deep affection for cats but I just don't get people that seem to have some deep seeded animosity towards them. Like for instance, I had some people over to my house for a barbeque a month ago and I had some chicken and burgers on the grill and I went to pick my cat up and put her inside and some yahoo piped up and said "When does that go on the grill?" I managed my most evil eye and kept on walking but thought to myself "Right after we throw you on the rotisserie you sadistic wind bag." I mean come on, what are you some sort of serial killer? I don't particularly like hamsters but I'm not thinking of ways to mutilate them in my spare time. Yeah, not cool buddy.
I'll let the picture take it from here...
Monday, October 29, 2007
That's What Friends Are For
I got an email chain letter today. I don't know why these things still annoy me but I just sort of thought that by now they would have gone the way of the crop top . So a friend sent me this one that was supposedly in honour of "National Friends Week". Of course at first I was quite touched by the very personal nature of the message. As most people know, when you want to tell someone you really appreciate them you usually do that with a mass email that was written by some mysterious person who clearly has way too much time on their hands. This message was pretty original and included heartfelt sentiments like "A Good Friend Will Come to Bail You Out of Jail". Well that's certainly one to grow on. Gee, I guess if that's the case then I don't have any "good friends" because all of my friends have managed to stay out of the big house. Then again, I do have a friend who had a warrant out for her arrest because her license was suspended and she rode her bike down to the local police station to turn herself in. However, I didn't bail her out of jail so I guess that still leaves me friendless.
Usually my favourite part of the typical chain letter is "the hook". You know, the part where they tell you who's going to die in the next 24 hours if you don't forward this to sixty people in the next ten seconds. This one had a pretty good one which insisted that you forward it to five people within five minutes and if you did you should prepare yourself for the "biggest shock of your life to occur between 1-4PM the next day". Wow, that is some kind of hook don't you think? Can you imagine the resources it takes to make that happen?
Before you go thinking that I'm being too harsh here, I just want to make it clear that my reasons for despising the chain email letter are not purely selfish. Sure, they're a huge waste of my time but on top of that they're environmentally irresponsible. Just think of the resources that are wasted sending these messages across the world. Think of what we could do with all of the hydro electric power we're wasting by creating, storing, sending, and viewing these messages. Hmmm... now that I'm thinking about it I might have something here. If I play my cards right there might just be a Nobel Peace Prize in this for me somewhere? Seems like they're giving those out to just about anybody these days. Plus, who wouldn't support someone getting a Nobel Peace Prize for eliminating the email chain letter? Now that's a cause everyone can get behind. Well, everyone except for the unemployed I guess. What else are they gonna do with their time?
Before I started preparing my acceptance speech I decided to get back to the matter at hand. I don't usually feel the need to forward or reply to these types of messages but couldn't resist with this one and my response was as follows:
"Dear Friend: Thank you so much for the very personal and heartfelt message. As you can imagine, I was deeply touched. Please let me know what happens to you between the hours of 1-4 PM today as I am anxious to hear what life changing event occurs. I'm sending you this email during those hours and I can only hope for your sake that this is not it."
I guess that's one less person who'll be calling me to bail them out of jail. Mission accomplished.
Usually my favourite part of the typical chain letter is "the hook". You know, the part where they tell you who's going to die in the next 24 hours if you don't forward this to sixty people in the next ten seconds. This one had a pretty good one which insisted that you forward it to five people within five minutes and if you did you should prepare yourself for the "biggest shock of your life to occur between 1-4PM the next day". Wow, that is some kind of hook don't you think? Can you imagine the resources it takes to make that happen?
Before you go thinking that I'm being too harsh here, I just want to make it clear that my reasons for despising the chain email letter are not purely selfish. Sure, they're a huge waste of my time but on top of that they're environmentally irresponsible. Just think of the resources that are wasted sending these messages across the world. Think of what we could do with all of the hydro electric power we're wasting by creating, storing, sending, and viewing these messages. Hmmm... now that I'm thinking about it I might have something here. If I play my cards right there might just be a Nobel Peace Prize in this for me somewhere? Seems like they're giving those out to just about anybody these days. Plus, who wouldn't support someone getting a Nobel Peace Prize for eliminating the email chain letter? Now that's a cause everyone can get behind. Well, everyone except for the unemployed I guess. What else are they gonna do with their time?
Before I started preparing my acceptance speech I decided to get back to the matter at hand. I don't usually feel the need to forward or reply to these types of messages but couldn't resist with this one and my response was as follows:
"Dear Friend: Thank you so much for the very personal and heartfelt message. As you can imagine, I was deeply touched. Please let me know what happens to you between the hours of 1-4 PM today as I am anxious to hear what life changing event occurs. I'm sending you this email during those hours and I can only hope for your sake that this is not it."
I guess that's one less person who'll be calling me to bail them out of jail. Mission accomplished.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Let The Healing Begin (Update)
Spoiler Warning: If you haven't read my previous post entitled "Let the Healing Begin", you may want to read it before proceeding with this one.
I really didn't expect to be providing an update on "Project: Let the Healing Begin" this soon after it's inception since most people know that the healing process is usually a slow one. As of right now it looks like this particular healing process is moving about as fast as a war amputee walkathon.
So what happened you ask? Well, today my boss and the head of the other department that we've been at war with had a major knock down, drag out argument. The discussion started out as a casual conversation about procedures and allocation of roles and responsibilities between our departments. Initially the discussion took place in the open office area but within a few minutes, it quickly escalated into a much more heated "discussion" at which point they moved the festivities into my boss' office. Unfortunately (for them), the walls of my boss' office have virtually no sound dampening qualities so they may as well have continued the conversation out in the open or perhaps over the intercom system because we were privy to pretty much the entire argument.
As far as arguments I've been witness to in the workplace, this one will definitely go down as the loudest and most no holds barred I've ever been privileged enough to be in the presence of.
Here are some of the highlights which I should mention were all uttered in very much outdoor voices:
"Well, I believe that falls under my job description so I don't think it should be something you need to worry about..."
"It sounds like you don't think I'm doing my job?"
"If you and Jim think that you can do a better job running this department, then be my guest!"
"Nobody's saying that, stop being so sensitive..."
"How about you just do your f*?%^&@ job and then I'll do mine!"
"Maybe if you did a better job of managing your people then I wouldn't have to do your job!"
The rest of the discussion basically revolved around the same central theme which involved the need for more people to do their f-ing jobs and it's hard to argue with that...or so I thought. The interesting thing was how "The Argument Heard 'Round the Office" ended. As the final verbal barrage concluded there was a conspicuous silence and before we could designate someone to go in and check for bodies, both parties exited the office looking like they had just finished playing a game of parcheesi. Did they think we were idiots? We knew what had gone on in there. There was no parcheesi board in there. (I checked)
So it will be interesting to see what impact this has on the healing process my boss was working so tirelessly towards. Maybe tomorrow I'll ask him to clarify what exactly he meant by "healing" or at the very least what he had in mind as far as a "go" date for this elusive healing process because it sure didn't start today. Maybe it's just sort of like a diet - we'll just start it on Monday.
I really didn't expect to be providing an update on "Project: Let the Healing Begin" this soon after it's inception since most people know that the healing process is usually a slow one. As of right now it looks like this particular healing process is moving about as fast as a war amputee walkathon.
So what happened you ask? Well, today my boss and the head of the other department that we've been at war with had a major knock down, drag out argument. The discussion started out as a casual conversation about procedures and allocation of roles and responsibilities between our departments. Initially the discussion took place in the open office area but within a few minutes, it quickly escalated into a much more heated "discussion" at which point they moved the festivities into my boss' office. Unfortunately (for them), the walls of my boss' office have virtually no sound dampening qualities so they may as well have continued the conversation out in the open or perhaps over the intercom system because we were privy to pretty much the entire argument.
As far as arguments I've been witness to in the workplace, this one will definitely go down as the loudest and most no holds barred I've ever been privileged enough to be in the presence of.
Here are some of the highlights which I should mention were all uttered in very much outdoor voices:
"Well, I believe that falls under my job description so I don't think it should be something you need to worry about..."
"It sounds like you don't think I'm doing my job?"
"If you and Jim think that you can do a better job running this department, then be my guest!"
"Nobody's saying that, stop being so sensitive..."
"How about you just do your f*?%^&@ job and then I'll do mine!"
"Maybe if you did a better job of managing your people then I wouldn't have to do your job!"
The rest of the discussion basically revolved around the same central theme which involved the need for more people to do their f-ing jobs and it's hard to argue with that...or so I thought. The interesting thing was how "The Argument Heard 'Round the Office" ended. As the final verbal barrage concluded there was a conspicuous silence and before we could designate someone to go in and check for bodies, both parties exited the office looking like they had just finished playing a game of parcheesi. Did they think we were idiots? We knew what had gone on in there. There was no parcheesi board in there. (I checked)
So it will be interesting to see what impact this has on the healing process my boss was working so tirelessly towards. Maybe tomorrow I'll ask him to clarify what exactly he meant by "healing" or at the very least what he had in mind as far as a "go" date for this elusive healing process because it sure didn't start today. Maybe it's just sort of like a diet - we'll just start it on Monday.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Let the Healing Begin
I look around at some of the people I work with some days and I’m so tempted to stop them as they do their best speed walker impression on their way to their next meeting and ask them “What’s the point?” I know they make a lot of money doing whatever it is they do during the twenty hours a day they spend at work making up pointless powerpoint presentations and elaborate excel spreadsheets and working through their lunch while their nanny raises their children. They must do it for a reason right? Part of me really wants somebody to give me a convincing answer to that question but the other part of me sort of knows there probably isn’t one, at least not one that would mean that much to me.
I’m well aware of the fact that this level of cynicism isn’t exactly a recipe for the career fast track. In fact, it’s probably not even a recipe for a job as a janitor and I do my best to hide it. Some days this is definitely harder than others. Days like today are a good example. At the end of our daily department meeting our boss began this very heartfelt (for him anyway) speech about putting an end to inter-departmental conflict. You see, there’s been this whole turf war that’s been slowly building between our department and another one and it had reached a bit of a fever pitch over the last couple of weeks . The problem has been that both departments have a shared role in achieving a pretty critical target. Unfortunately each department thinks the other department is the weak link which results in overstepping of bounds, finger pointing, blame storming, and all around ineffectiveness. This would all be totally fine if we were actually achieving the goal we were responsible for. Unfortunately, as the year winds down we’re starting to realize that our inability to get results may result in all of us (and many others) not getting our annual bonus. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that pretty much anything will be tolerated in the work place as long as it gets results but when people’s bad behaviour starts to affect results (or more importantly someone’s pocketbook) it’s just not kosher anymore. So my boss is giving us this heartfelt speech which is almost convincing until he ends it by saying “So I think it’s time to let the healing begin.” At which point I looked around to see if I had been transplanted into Dr. Phil’s studio audience.
So my boss’ speech was humorous for a couple of reasons least of which being the fact that he is the most divisive person I’ve ever met. I haven’t met Hitler but based on what I’ve heard he would be a close second to my boss. I really believe that if given the opportunity my boss could have turned Gandhi into a serial killer. So you can understand why I may have had a hard time taking him seriously. The other funny part was afterwards one of the guys in my department stopped by and asked “So what did you think of that ‘Come to Jesus’ speech we got this morning?” I hadn’t really thought of it as a religious experience per se but I did find his characterization of the meeting amusing. I was also glad that I wasn’t the only one in the room who found the whole thing a bit melodramatic. I don’t know, sometimes I think that some of the people I work with forget that we’re not curing cancer. To be honest, I thank the good Lord everyday that none of the people I work with have anything to do with finding a cure for cancer or even athlete’s foot for that matter. There would definitely be no healing in sight.
Monday, October 08, 2007
Dance Like No One's Watching
One of the things I enjoy about concerts is seeing what cross section of people are there. I’ve always felt that the music people listen to tells you a lot about them. So invariably, I’m intrigued to see what types of people are enjoying the same music I enjoy because on some level I must have something in common with them. When I first arrived at the concert, the first thing I realized was that I may be getting old since I was probably one of the oldest people there not including parents that were chaperoning their children for the evening. I started wondering if I was turning into one of those people that listens to the same music “the kids” are listening to as some sort of dysfunctional way of trying to stay hip. This was going to be a bitter pill to swallow if that was the case. I realize, I’m not getting any younger but I didn’t think I had become one of those people already.
The other thing that struck me about the crowd was the diversity in the group. Not the cultural diversity of course, since there are approximately three non white people that live in this city and they’re not allowed to be out past
As the band began I sort of became intrigued/distracted by a guy standing in front of me. I was distracted because of how “into” the music he was getting. The best way to describe him would be Ned Flanders meets Johnny Christian meets Nerd McNerdy. He was dressed in a button down blue oxford shirt and khakis with very sensible shoes. I couldn’t tell if he had just finished a tax audit or wrapped up his weekly bible study but either way, white boy had some serious moves and he wasn’t afraid to show them off. The problem was that his “serious” moves were seriously bad. The other problem was that I couldn’t keep my eyes off of him because he was totally oblivious to the fact that everyone was watching him. As I watched him throughout the concert I couldn't help but think, “So I guess this is what it looks like to dance like no one’s watching. I guess he can go ahead and check that off his to-do list”. That thought was followed shortly by the realization that although dancing like no one's watching seems like a good idea when it’s stitched on a pillow, it can be less of a good idea when actually put into practice.
The truth is, I sort of admired the guy for not caring. It’s rare that you see that kind of reckless abandon on display and I think we could all learn a lesson from him. I for one am going to make a more concerted effort to throw caution to the wind on a more regular basis. In fact, I think I’ll start doing that tomorrow. Actually, tomorrow’s not so good. In fact this week probably won’t work at all. Plus, I should probably take some dance lessons ahead of time. I’d just hate to be unprepared for something this important.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
You'll Be Hearing From My Lawyer
So I was talking to my lawyer the other day...The truth is I really don't have a story here about my lawyer it was just an excuse to say "I was talking to my lawyer the other day". I actually just bought a house and I had to hire a lawyer to close the deal. Anyway, I realized that I won't be able to say that very often so I've been trying to max it out. Like today at work I must have said it about half a dozen times in completely inappropriate situations. I'm just realizing that I didn't clarify with my co-workers what I was speaking to my lawyer about. Maybe it's not such a bad idea that they don't know. Maybe they'll think twice before they mess with me for fear of me getting litigious. That could be fun I think. Like the next time a co-worker corners me I'll end the conversation with a quick "Yeah, well we'll see what the jury has to say about that! See you in court sucker!"
Now back to the matter at hand... I am currently writing this entry from the back deck of my new abode and I feel as though I have the world by the tail when I'm sitting here. I think I know why people stay in soul sucking, passionless yet decent paying jobs for their entire lives. At least I think I have a pretty good idea now. I have no problem admitting that my house is no dream house but it's the perfect house for me. I remember when I saw the house for the first time and it was probably around the tenth house I saw. It was sort of like meeting your soul mate except this actually happened. There was this instant connection and I knew that we were meant to be together. I had seen some nice houses (in addition to a few rat traps) but none of them spoke to me in this same way. So here I am, five months later and I've got the world's tail firmly in my grasp.
Despite the fact that I am really enjoying the house I've got to say that one of the reasons I waited so long to buy was the fact that I absolutely detest moving. I realize that nobody really enjoys moving but there are people that don't seem to mind it. Either way, I HATE it. I knew this move was going to be the most painful since I've obviously accumulated more crap since I last moved. When I started packing it became painfully clear just how much of a pack rat I was. There were boxes I hadn't even opened since I last moved two years ago. Logic would dictate that if I could go two years without even looking at those things then I could probably get rid of them. Unfortunately, every time I stumbled upon one of those items I remembered why I had held onto them. "Oh wow, I definitely can't throw out that boarding pass from that flight I took to Atlanta three years ago. I had such a good time on that trip and throwing out that boarding pass would be the equivalent of throwing away those memories."
I was telling a guy a work about my problem and he was explaining to me about how he has a "system" to deal with such difficult decisions. "I gave all of my kids a "sentimental box" and I told them that if they can't fit it in this box then they can't keep it. That way there's a limit to how much stuff they can keep." I was intrigued with the idea but I thought there were a few minor details that just wouldn't work for me. First of all, calling something your "sentimental box" kind of takes a lot of the sentimentality out of it for me. Plus, I would need more of a sentimental room or wing which sort of defeats the whole purpose. Ah well, I shouldn't beat myself up over it - I guess I'm just way more sentimental than most people.
In the end, I did manage to make some tough decisions and got rid of some items that I held near and dear. The abridged list is as follows:
1 Penguin Shaped Ice Shaver
1 copy of Dr. Phil's Self Matters
1 Bowling Pin Lamp
1 Coffee Table with Bowling Pins for Legs
1 Celine Dion CD
1 Gum ball Machine Shaped Fishbowl
Okay, I'm going to have to cut the list short here since it is turning out to be a bit incriminating. In my defense, I always thought there would be an occasion where I'd think "Man I wish I had a penguin shaped ice shaver..." and BAM, I'd have the perfect thing right at my fingertips. Also in my defense, I don't think I actually purchased Dr. Phil's book myself. Although if somebody bought it for me I'm not sure that's much better. I'm just going to assume that somebody left it at my place and I didn't have the heart to get rid of it.
The defense rests.
Now back to the matter at hand... I am currently writing this entry from the back deck of my new abode and I feel as though I have the world by the tail when I'm sitting here. I think I know why people stay in soul sucking, passionless yet decent paying jobs for their entire lives. At least I think I have a pretty good idea now. I have no problem admitting that my house is no dream house but it's the perfect house for me. I remember when I saw the house for the first time and it was probably around the tenth house I saw. It was sort of like meeting your soul mate except this actually happened. There was this instant connection and I knew that we were meant to be together. I had seen some nice houses (in addition to a few rat traps) but none of them spoke to me in this same way. So here I am, five months later and I've got the world's tail firmly in my grasp.
Despite the fact that I am really enjoying the house I've got to say that one of the reasons I waited so long to buy was the fact that I absolutely detest moving. I realize that nobody really enjoys moving but there are people that don't seem to mind it. Either way, I HATE it. I knew this move was going to be the most painful since I've obviously accumulated more crap since I last moved. When I started packing it became painfully clear just how much of a pack rat I was. There were boxes I hadn't even opened since I last moved two years ago. Logic would dictate that if I could go two years without even looking at those things then I could probably get rid of them. Unfortunately, every time I stumbled upon one of those items I remembered why I had held onto them. "Oh wow, I definitely can't throw out that boarding pass from that flight I took to Atlanta three years ago. I had such a good time on that trip and throwing out that boarding pass would be the equivalent of throwing away those memories."
I was telling a guy a work about my problem and he was explaining to me about how he has a "system" to deal with such difficult decisions. "I gave all of my kids a "sentimental box" and I told them that if they can't fit it in this box then they can't keep it. That way there's a limit to how much stuff they can keep." I was intrigued with the idea but I thought there were a few minor details that just wouldn't work for me. First of all, calling something your "sentimental box" kind of takes a lot of the sentimentality out of it for me. Plus, I would need more of a sentimental room or wing which sort of defeats the whole purpose. Ah well, I shouldn't beat myself up over it - I guess I'm just way more sentimental than most people.
In the end, I did manage to make some tough decisions and got rid of some items that I held near and dear. The abridged list is as follows:
1 Penguin Shaped Ice Shaver
1 copy of Dr. Phil's Self Matters
1 Bowling Pin Lamp
1 Coffee Table with Bowling Pins for Legs
1 Celine Dion CD
1 Gum ball Machine Shaped Fishbowl
Okay, I'm going to have to cut the list short here since it is turning out to be a bit incriminating. In my defense, I always thought there would be an occasion where I'd think "Man I wish I had a penguin shaped ice shaver..." and BAM, I'd have the perfect thing right at my fingertips. Also in my defense, I don't think I actually purchased Dr. Phil's book myself. Although if somebody bought it for me I'm not sure that's much better. I'm just going to assume that somebody left it at my place and I didn't have the heart to get rid of it.
The defense rests.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Irregardless
I was talking to a friend a while ago who reads my blog and commented that based on my blog entries it sounded like I worked with a "bunch of idiots". For some reason this caught me off guard. Not because it wasn't true because for the record I do work with a bunch of idiots, but because I actually don't mind most of the people I work with. However, there are definitely a few of my co-workers that make this blog possible. We recently had a new addition to our team at work and it just wouldn't be me if something hadn't already gotten under my skin.
So this guy who I will refer to as "Mr. Bojangles" started about a month ago and I was pretty excited about getting the fresh meat around the office since I was kind of getting bored with the same people annoying me day in and day out. It was just starting to feel like family and that's just the sort of feeling that makes me want to head for the hills. So Mr. Bojangles is one of those young and really eager types who thinks he's going to change the world one Stephen Covey book at a time. There's actually some small part of me that really admires those kinds of people. Of course, after about a minute of admiration I move on to figuring out the quickest way to burst their Goodyear blimp size bubble. Don't get me wrong, I've been there myself before. Mind you, it was for about a week back in the late 90's before the cold world crushed my hopes and dreams and mocked my very unmanageable hair at every turn.
So it very quickly becomes clear that Mr. Bojangles is eager to make an immediate impression. On his first day he makes the rookie mistake of piping up in one of our meetings to offer his two cents of "wisdom", which despite the strong Canadian dollar ended up being more like half a cent. There were a couple of reasons this sort of perturbed me: 1) On your first day it's next to impossible to add any value unless it is to go and get me a cold drink while I'm thinking about the next intelligent thing I'm going to say. 2) If you are going to attempt to say something in a meeting on your first day, I would advise against the use of the word "irregardless". The main reason this is an ill-advised move is because IT IS NOT A WORD. All you need to say is "regardless" and now you're trying to sound like Mr. Fancy Pants with the big word which unfortunately has the exact opposite effect.
So Mr. Bojangles has now committed one of my most annoying verbal crimes. The reason the use of the word "irregardless" irks me so much is because it seems like there is a particular type of individual that insists on using this word. It's always that guy who's trying to sound smart. In fact, he actually may be smart since I've seen it go either way with this. Either way he's TRYING to sound smart. Plus, it seems like the people that use the word irregardless are rarely very thrifty with it. They act like it's their only $10 word and they're going to get more than their money's worth.
The other thing I noticed about 'jangles is that on his lunch breaks he goes and sits in his car and smokes. One day shortly after he started I was heading out to my car around lunch time and I noticed he was sitting in his vehicle with the windows down smoking like a chimney. I realize this isn't really a big deal but it just struck me as odd. I mean, if you're going to bother to go to your car to smoke why not take it one simple step further and put the key in the ignition, foot on the pedal and go somewhere a little more scenic than the employee parking lot which for the record could pretty much be anywhere on God's green earth! At first I thought maybe I was just catching him as he was returning from his lunch break but I've now seen him out there almost daily.
So far it looks like my new compadre is going to be around for a while. He's of below average intelligence, has no people skills, has no fashion sense and annoys me on a daily basis. This can only mean that he is bound to have a very long and prosperous career and at some point will probably be my boss.
So this guy who I will refer to as "Mr. Bojangles" started about a month ago and I was pretty excited about getting the fresh meat around the office since I was kind of getting bored with the same people annoying me day in and day out. It was just starting to feel like family and that's just the sort of feeling that makes me want to head for the hills. So Mr. Bojangles is one of those young and really eager types who thinks he's going to change the world one Stephen Covey book at a time. There's actually some small part of me that really admires those kinds of people. Of course, after about a minute of admiration I move on to figuring out the quickest way to burst their Goodyear blimp size bubble. Don't get me wrong, I've been there myself before. Mind you, it was for about a week back in the late 90's before the cold world crushed my hopes and dreams and mocked my very unmanageable hair at every turn.
So it very quickly becomes clear that Mr. Bojangles is eager to make an immediate impression. On his first day he makes the rookie mistake of piping up in one of our meetings to offer his two cents of "wisdom", which despite the strong Canadian dollar ended up being more like half a cent. There were a couple of reasons this sort of perturbed me: 1) On your first day it's next to impossible to add any value unless it is to go and get me a cold drink while I'm thinking about the next intelligent thing I'm going to say. 2) If you are going to attempt to say something in a meeting on your first day, I would advise against the use of the word "irregardless". The main reason this is an ill-advised move is because IT IS NOT A WORD. All you need to say is "regardless" and now you're trying to sound like Mr. Fancy Pants with the big word which unfortunately has the exact opposite effect.
So Mr. Bojangles has now committed one of my most annoying verbal crimes. The reason the use of the word "irregardless" irks me so much is because it seems like there is a particular type of individual that insists on using this word. It's always that guy who's trying to sound smart. In fact, he actually may be smart since I've seen it go either way with this. Either way he's TRYING to sound smart. Plus, it seems like the people that use the word irregardless are rarely very thrifty with it. They act like it's their only $10 word and they're going to get more than their money's worth.
The other thing I noticed about 'jangles is that on his lunch breaks he goes and sits in his car and smokes. One day shortly after he started I was heading out to my car around lunch time and I noticed he was sitting in his vehicle with the windows down smoking like a chimney. I realize this isn't really a big deal but it just struck me as odd. I mean, if you're going to bother to go to your car to smoke why not take it one simple step further and put the key in the ignition, foot on the pedal and go somewhere a little more scenic than the employee parking lot which for the record could pretty much be anywhere on God's green earth! At first I thought maybe I was just catching him as he was returning from his lunch break but I've now seen him out there almost daily.
So far it looks like my new compadre is going to be around for a while. He's of below average intelligence, has no people skills, has no fashion sense and annoys me on a daily basis. This can only mean that he is bound to have a very long and prosperous career and at some point will probably be my boss.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Life Lessons: Volume I
Since I don't have one cohesive thought for a post, coupled with the fact that I like to use my blog as an educational resource for my readers whenever possible, this posting is all about passing on some valuable life lessons. The truth is, I've been working on writing a book. It's sort of like the "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" except the things I suggest are actually humanly possible. Plus, even if you do them there's a pretty good chance you won't be anymore successful or effective than you already are. Who needs the aggravation that comes with success anyway? Not me! Does anyone else smell a best seller??? Yeah, me neither but here's a sneak peek.
Lesson #1: Don't Bite the Hand That Reads You
This might be an obvious one but I'm going to throw it out there anyway. I would advise against writing posts on your blog about the only family member that actually reads your blog. Apparently, my recollection of historical events has come into question. Since I'm the only one with a blog I guess I get the last word. Oh, and thanks for the $20. Although I'm not sure that's the best way to deter me from writing about you. You should see what I've got planned for next week. It will definitely be worth at least $50.
Lesson #2: Don't Play Squash On your Lunch Break.
It seemed like a good idea at the time. In an effort to challenge myself and take my game to the next level (which I guess would be level 0) I scheduled a squash game during my lunch hour yesterday. The guy I was playing was quite a bit better than me so it ended up being quite a workout. Afterwards, I was so exhausted I could barely think. Fortunately, thinking isn't a major requirement for my job most of the time but my afternoon was basically shot anyway. Plus, everyone who saw me after lunch asked me "What happened to you?" because I looked like I had been hit by a bus. When I was telling my mom about this she asked me "Did you shower after the game?" "Mom, I just told you I could barely walk and you're worried about my hygiene? Of course I showered!" I'm baffled by how little credit my mom gives me sometimes. I think she still sort of wonders how I’ve managed to stay gainfully employed for an extended period of time. Give me just a little credit mom - it's one thing to come back to work looking like you've been hit by a bus but even I know better than to come back to work looking and smelling like I've been hit by a bus followed by a garbage truck.
Lesson #3: Be Careful of the (Not So) Random Button
Listening to music on my computer when I'm at work is one of the small pleasures of my daily work day that sometimes makes my job almost bearable. Usually I create a playlist every few days depending on what sort of a mood I'm in. Today, I decided to get wild and crazy and just hit the "Random" button and let it pick the songs from my library for me. I was sitting in my office minding my bidniss when one of my colleagues came in to chat. We were shooting the breeze for a while and as he was getting up to leave he asked me "What's the deal with your music? Are you going through a rough time?" I was kind of puzzled and thought "Well, not any rougher than usual. I haven't played squash today so that's a pretty good day for me." Then he said "The last few songs you've played have been kind of depressing." Then I looked at my player and it was currently playing "Owner of a Lonely Heart" by Yes. Then I went back and looked and saw that just before that it had played "One" (as in "One is the loneliest number…") by Harry Nilsson. Just before that it had played the country song "Brokenheartsville" which was preceded by "Where Has My Love Gone" by Josh Rouse. It was very evident to me at that point that my music player was toying with my head. Who needs to waste time making playlists when a computer had gone ahead and put together a perfect "You're Going to Die Alone" mix? Granted, these are all songs that I've chosen to add to my library at some point but you'd think the random button would be just a little more random.
I also just wanted to send a special message out to my faithful reader(s). Hi Mom!! Okay, that's not the message. Especially since if I did want to say hi to my mom I'd have a better chance of getting that message to her via carrier pigeon than through this blog since I still don't think she's even sure of what a blog is. I think when I first told my mom that I had started blogging she thought I had taken up the latest dance craze sweeping the nation. So I just played along and told her it was going great and it was like Riverdance but with hip hop music. Boy is she going to be disappointed when the recital I've been promising her doesn't materialize.
Now for my real point... It has been brought to my attention that some people are itching to leave comments on my blog but the problem is that I don't exactly make readers feel welcome. To quote, I guess it’s that I don't "exactly give off a 'come one come all' kind of vibe". Although painful to hear, it may be true. And if there’s one thing I pride myself on it is always being open to criticism so that I can continually better myself. Actually, I’ve always been told I'm really bad at that but today is a new day my friends! So I just want to say to anyone who feels inspired enough by my ramblings to comment that it is very much welcomed and appreciated. Aside from actually reading my blog it is the highest compliment a blogger can hope for (at least this blogger).
Thursday, May 31, 2007
My Mind On My Money & My Money On My Mind
I think I know what Snoop Dogg was talking about now. I lost a $20 bill yesterday. Yeah, I know you're thinking "yeah, then what" but for some reason it was very frustrating and it's really stuck in my craw. I obviously don't know exactly when or where it happened and I didn't realize it until it was too late to retrace my steps. I know it's just $20 and that I waste money on a very regular basis but something about just losing money for no good reason is really annoying.
It reminded me of a somewhat similar situation that happened a couple of years ago. My sister was staying with me at the time and since she was "between opportunities" money was a little tight. One day I gave her $20 to pick up some some groceries. Before she left I gave her a talk reminiscent of the one Harry gives Lloyd in the movie "Dumb & Dumber". I gave her "the last of our dough" and instructed her to pick up "just the essentials" Okay, I didn't really give her a pep talk before she left but in hindsight maybe I should have.
As she left her mood was bright and there may have even been skipping and whistling. You know that feeling you got when you were a kid and your mom gave you a couple of dollars to go buy candy at the store? Yeah, me neither but I think this was what it would have looked like. Unfortunately, within a few minutes she returned to my apartment empty handed and looking rather dejected. I thought maybe she had forgotten something but as it turned out she got to the store and realized she had lost the $20 somewhere on the way to the store. I was worried that at this rate, the two of us were on pace to make Lloyd and Harry look like Mensa candidates. Not to worry though, if there's one thing I'll say about my sister it's that she's a very quick learner. Please, my mama didn't raise no fools!
"I'm not going to wear these pants anymore" she explained. I wasn't quite following the logic here but she continued, "These pants have holes in both of the pockets and that's where I put the money so I think that's probably how I lost it." Did I also mention that my sister has amazing powers of deduction? I immediately got Angela Lansbury on the blower to let her know that her services would no longer be required because my sister had put an end to this baffling mystery all by her lonesome.
The truth was, my sister was far more annoyed by the whole thing than I was. Sure we couldn't afford to eat for a week but for some reason I found the situation quite funny at the time. It's just money right? Plus, as the Good Book says "Money is the root of all evil." Then again, my dad always told us that the "lack of money was the root of all evil". So I guess you could understand if the two of us didn't know how to feel about the situation. Now that I'm thinking about it, I guess that means that my sister's pants were the root of all evil since they were seriously lacking in the money department. When I think about it that way I guess we were lucky to just lose the $20 considering how often she wore those pants. Speaking of which, I should probably give her a call and make sure she got rid of those pants...and to see if she can lend me $20.
It reminded me of a somewhat similar situation that happened a couple of years ago. My sister was staying with me at the time and since she was "between opportunities" money was a little tight. One day I gave her $20 to pick up some some groceries. Before she left I gave her a talk reminiscent of the one Harry gives Lloyd in the movie "Dumb & Dumber". I gave her "the last of our dough" and instructed her to pick up "just the essentials" Okay, I didn't really give her a pep talk before she left but in hindsight maybe I should have.
As she left her mood was bright and there may have even been skipping and whistling. You know that feeling you got when you were a kid and your mom gave you a couple of dollars to go buy candy at the store? Yeah, me neither but I think this was what it would have looked like. Unfortunately, within a few minutes she returned to my apartment empty handed and looking rather dejected. I thought maybe she had forgotten something but as it turned out she got to the store and realized she had lost the $20 somewhere on the way to the store. I was worried that at this rate, the two of us were on pace to make Lloyd and Harry look like Mensa candidates. Not to worry though, if there's one thing I'll say about my sister it's that she's a very quick learner. Please, my mama didn't raise no fools!
"I'm not going to wear these pants anymore" she explained. I wasn't quite following the logic here but she continued, "These pants have holes in both of the pockets and that's where I put the money so I think that's probably how I lost it." Did I also mention that my sister has amazing powers of deduction? I immediately got Angela Lansbury on the blower to let her know that her services would no longer be required because my sister had put an end to this baffling mystery all by her lonesome.
The truth was, my sister was far more annoyed by the whole thing than I was. Sure we couldn't afford to eat for a week but for some reason I found the situation quite funny at the time. It's just money right? Plus, as the Good Book says "Money is the root of all evil." Then again, my dad always told us that the "lack of money was the root of all evil". So I guess you could understand if the two of us didn't know how to feel about the situation. Now that I'm thinking about it, I guess that means that my sister's pants were the root of all evil since they were seriously lacking in the money department. When I think about it that way I guess we were lucky to just lose the $20 considering how often she wore those pants. Speaking of which, I should probably give her a call and make sure she got rid of those pants...and to see if she can lend me $20.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Welcome In, Welcome In...Shame About the Weather
So it's the first long weekend of the summer here and that whole global warming thing Al Gore was talking about just seems to be a bunch of broken promises. I think this is the third time this month that I've put away a bunch of my winter clothes thinking that I wouldn't need them for a few months only to find myself digging them out two days later as I realize that there's a good chance I could catch pneumonia if I don't throw a sweater over my tankini. It's not that I have a problem with having to hold off on wearing my tankini, it's just that I'd like a little consistency. If it's going to be spring then great let's do spring but if it's going to be summer then let's do that for more than a day and a half.
As much as I love the springtime I have to say that there is one thing that I despise about the springtime and it is the return of the bicycle shorts. I guess I've just always been more of a fan of form over function so I just don't understand why there isn't any way to make bicycle shorts less hideous looking? Is spandex the only material that can be used in this particular application? I just want to know why the bicycle short technology has not come further than this. Ordinarily bicycle shorts are not something I spend a great deal of time thinking about but there's this guy at work who bikes to work everyday in a rather revealing pair of these shorts. Despite the fact that he changes shortly after he arrives every morning, the site of him in those shorts, even for a brief moment makes it very difficult to a) keep my breakfast down and b) take him even a little bit seriously in the work environment. Like the other day he was talking in a meeting and he said something to the effect of "although last quarter's results fell a little short of our targets..." and I felt like saying "and speaking of little shorts...". So from then on I couldn't hear a word he was saying.
On a positive work related note, I did have a rather productive day at work the other day. I've recently taken up the game of squash. I've sort of always been intrigued by the sport since it seems like everyone who plays it gets really into it. Plus, there's a squash court in the fitness facility we have at work and so I figured it was a good opportunity to give it a shot. So for the last month I've been practicing and practicing with this one guy at work who actually is a really good player and who's been kind of showing me the ropes. So last week he told me that he thought I was at the point where I probably wouldn't embarrass myself if I started playing other people. Boy did I feel on top of the world when he put it that way. The next day at work I started talking to one of the guys who works with me who used to be quite a squash player until he injured his knee and I was telling him that I was looking for people to play against. He suggested I get in touch with his wife since she's a pretty good player and she'd probably be up for it. He gave me her phone number and since I didn't have a piece of paper on me I started writing it on the inside of my hand. About an hour later I was talking to another one of my colleagues and he noticed the number on my hand as I was talking and asked "What's that on the inside of your hand?" For a split second I thought about making something up but then just replied "Well, it's actually Jim's wife's phone number." Before I could explain why I had her number he responded "Good job. I've been trying to get her number for months." We both had a good laugh about it but unfortunately, it actually was kind of a step up for me. The last phone number I got at work was from a married 58 year old man who had three kids that were all older than me...and I don't think he wanted me to play squash with his wife.
Before I close I guess I should explain the title of this blog entry. It's a line from a Travis song called "My Eyes" off their new album called "The Boy With No Name". It is currently my favourite song. I think I've played this song about fifty times since I bought their new album yesterday. If you are or have ever been a Travis fan I'd recommend checking the album out. They don't chart a lot of new territory but they do what they do best. Either way, I'd recommend at least checking out this song.
By the way, another post will follow shortly with highlights from my recent road trip. I thought having teasers for upcoming posts would really boost readership interest. If it doesn't work though I'll just go back to posting once every six months which also seems to take anticipation to record heights.
As much as I love the springtime I have to say that there is one thing that I despise about the springtime and it is the return of the bicycle shorts. I guess I've just always been more of a fan of form over function so I just don't understand why there isn't any way to make bicycle shorts less hideous looking? Is spandex the only material that can be used in this particular application? I just want to know why the bicycle short technology has not come further than this. Ordinarily bicycle shorts are not something I spend a great deal of time thinking about but there's this guy at work who bikes to work everyday in a rather revealing pair of these shorts. Despite the fact that he changes shortly after he arrives every morning, the site of him in those shorts, even for a brief moment makes it very difficult to a) keep my breakfast down and b) take him even a little bit seriously in the work environment. Like the other day he was talking in a meeting and he said something to the effect of "although last quarter's results fell a little short of our targets..." and I felt like saying "and speaking of little shorts...". So from then on I couldn't hear a word he was saying.
On a positive work related note, I did have a rather productive day at work the other day. I've recently taken up the game of squash. I've sort of always been intrigued by the sport since it seems like everyone who plays it gets really into it. Plus, there's a squash court in the fitness facility we have at work and so I figured it was a good opportunity to give it a shot. So for the last month I've been practicing and practicing with this one guy at work who actually is a really good player and who's been kind of showing me the ropes. So last week he told me that he thought I was at the point where I probably wouldn't embarrass myself if I started playing other people. Boy did I feel on top of the world when he put it that way. The next day at work I started talking to one of the guys who works with me who used to be quite a squash player until he injured his knee and I was telling him that I was looking for people to play against. He suggested I get in touch with his wife since she's a pretty good player and she'd probably be up for it. He gave me her phone number and since I didn't have a piece of paper on me I started writing it on the inside of my hand. About an hour later I was talking to another one of my colleagues and he noticed the number on my hand as I was talking and asked "What's that on the inside of your hand?" For a split second I thought about making something up but then just replied "Well, it's actually Jim's wife's phone number." Before I could explain why I had her number he responded "Good job. I've been trying to get her number for months." We both had a good laugh about it but unfortunately, it actually was kind of a step up for me. The last phone number I got at work was from a married 58 year old man who had three kids that were all older than me...and I don't think he wanted me to play squash with his wife.
Before I close I guess I should explain the title of this blog entry. It's a line from a Travis song called "My Eyes" off their new album called "The Boy With No Name". It is currently my favourite song. I think I've played this song about fifty times since I bought their new album yesterday. If you are or have ever been a Travis fan I'd recommend checking the album out. They don't chart a lot of new territory but they do what they do best. Either way, I'd recommend at least checking out this song.
By the way, another post will follow shortly with highlights from my recent road trip. I thought having teasers for upcoming posts would really boost readership interest. If it doesn't work though I'll just go back to posting once every six months which also seems to take anticipation to record heights.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Don't Even Get Me Started
I moved about a year and a half ago and a few months ago I kind of took stock of the number of friends I had made in my new hometown and let's just say that didn't take long. Aside from a couple of work friends I really didn't have much to show for myself. Plus, I don't really believe that work friends actually count as "friends" until you are able to sustain the friendship outside of the working relationship. So technically unless I quit my job tomorrow and am somehow able to maintain those friendships I actually have made no new friends since I've moved.
So in an effort to kind of get out there and meet some of the locals I decided to join a softball team. It seemed like a pretty harmless way to get out there and mingle with some of the laid back country folk in my area. I'm starting to wonder if I might end up with more than I bargained for.
My first interaction with my new teammates was during a fundraiser we held a couple of weekends ago. I wish I had known in advance how painful it was going to be because I would have offered to donate both of my kidneys to science just to raise enough money to avoid this extremely painful social experience.
So for starters I didn't know anybody there. This obviously shouldn't have been surprising since this was what got me into this mess in the first place. What a vicious cycle this was turning out to be! Not to worry though I knew that once I got my magnetic personality into gear I'd have this group in the palm of my hand. Unfortunately, I quickly realized that I was going to need a plan B stat. As I sat alone in the corner of the room feverishly planning my next move, one of my new teammates came by and started talking to me. Well this was a relief. I guess the old magnetic personality was doing the trick after all. That or the sad and lonely look on my face. Either way this was progress. So we started talking and by “we” I mean her. Turns out she wasn't really looking for someone to talk to so much as someone to talk at. Well, beggars can't be choosers right? It sure beat sitting and thinking of ways to fake a diabetic coma...or so I thought.
My new friend worked in the mental health profession and so I thought that this would mean she would have many interesting stories to tell. Unfortunately it turned out to be more a case of "birds of a feather...". So in the two hours she talked at me she never did get around to any interesting stories. Instead she talked about the most random crap. Like when she told me in detail about the breast reduction surgery she had just had. I thought to myself at the time "I'm sorry, correct me if I'm wrong but did we just meet 10 minutes ago?" After I thought about it I kind of understood where she was coming from. If there's one thing I've learned about successful teams it's that honesty and communication are paramount. The last thing I'd want to happen is that a couple of months down the road I find out that the person I've been shagging flies with for the last two months used to be a 34 DD and I had no idea. Talk about being blindsided! (Actually, she was a 34FFF but that's just one of the many insignificant details she felt the need to share with me.)
Finally, at some point between the talk of breast reduction surgery and how to properly zest a lemon a couple of our other teammates made their way over to our table. Sure they may have just seemed like a couple of regular people but to me they were saviours, my own personal United Nations relief mission if you will, except useful and with an actual mission. After a few minutes, one of the girls pulled a Houdini act and actually managed to interject herself into the one way conversation. Somehow she ended up talking about a new refrigerator she had purchased. Under normal circumstances this would be an instant cure for insomnia for me but because it was someone else talking I was truly riveted. She could have been speaking Swahili at this point and I would have been transfixed. Sure enough, as this girl starts to talk about her new appliances my old friend "The Dominator" pipes up and says "Oh, don't even get me started on appliances." I instantly thought to myself "She doesn't seriously have a story about appliances! And don't toy with me. If you're serious, then please tell me how to not get you started because I need to know post haste how to not get you started!" As it turned out, she was just bluffing and she actually wanted to get started and did get started. Eventually, after a half an hour discourse on self-cleaning ovens I was left alone with her again as my friends from the United Nations abandoned me. Not surprising I suppose given that organization’s track record.
Fortunately, I eventually was able to finagle my way out of what seemed to be the conversational equivalent of the
Sunday, April 01, 2007
The Journey is the Destination
I do believe that life is more about the journey than the destination. When it comes to vacations though, it's about a little bit of both for me. I'm planning on taking some vacation at the end of the month and I've been thinking about what my options are. The thing is, I just don't have a lot of patience for air travel. I resent having to spending any part of my vacation dealing with the frustration of air travel which over the last couple of years has only gotten more painful.
So for my money it doesn't get much better than an old fashioned road trip. Unfortunately, I had to be ten years removed from my childhood to really gain an appreciation for the road trip experience. This was due to the fact that my only road trip experiences were the rather fateful ones I took with my family as a child. They were without a doubt some of my most unpleasant childhood memories.
The first problem with family road trips was that we always chose to enjoy the open road in the middle of the summer and usually when our car's air conditioning had crapped out. It almost seemed like my dad would come home one day and tell my mom "Honey, the air conditioning in the car just went on the blink." At which point they'd look at each other and in unison declare, "Well, let's grab the kids and a cooler and hit the road before temperatures drop below 85 degrees." Despite the many mechanical malfunctions of every vehicle we ever owned there was one thing that never seemed to break. No matter how many prayers I said, that tape player never stopped churning out those songs my dad enjoyed so much. It was such a great reminder to me that the good Lord did indeed have a sense of humour. I didn't ever get his jokes but one of these days that punch line's going to hit me and I am going to have the laugh of a lifetime.
It also didn't help that whatever vehicle we were driving at the time was always way too small for a family of six. This meant the four of us kids were always gunning for those two coveted window seats. There was nothing worse than being stuck in the middle of a sibling sandwich for ten hours. Unfortunately it seemed that window seats were assigned based on seniority and since I was third in line I rarely secured one of those. When I did manage to get a window seat it was like a little slice of heaven. If I closed my eyes, plugged my ears, and turned my body at just a slight angle I hardly noticed anyone was there. Plus, I could use the window ledge as an arm rest. One year I got the most amazing one arm tan. At first I thought it looked a little odd but eventually I just decided to own it. I've always thought that symmetrical tanning was overrated anyway.
So I've learned a few things about road trips since those fateful childhood trips. One of them is that the key to enjoying the road trip experience is finding suitable road trip buddies. Choosing road trip buddies can be very tricky business. Even people that I love dearly are not necessarily compatible road trip partners. For instance, my best friend and I took a road trip once. Let me emphasize the word ONCE because that mistake was not made twice. We literally did not talk to each other for six months after that fateful trip so we have not shared a car ride for more than a couple of hours since then.
Next on my list of people I can't do road trips with are my parents. Let me just say that I love my parents dearly. However, it's just something about them and me in a car that just doesn't work. Whether it's my mom howling at my dad to slow down or not follow so closely, it's my dad driving two miles per hour whilst making three calls on his cell phone while also singing and whistling to whatever cassette tape he managed to salvage from the collection left behind by Noah (as in the ark). The problem is I can't tune any of this out because we're in a five foot by foot space. Plus, no matter how loud the music is in my headphones it's never louder than my dad's whistling unless I want to risk irreversible hearing damage which I have to admit for a moment seems like a pleasant alternative. So at this point in our "vacation" I'm feeling like a Dixie Chicks fan at a Republican convention and I'm looking for the nearest exit. Unfortunately, we've just pulled out of the driveway and the only way to make a quick exit involves throwing myself out of a moving vehicle. Sure we're only moving at three miles per hour because my dad's making another phone call but I'm pretty sure that would still be painful and also hard to explain. Honestly I'm not even sure it's the road trip thing that's the problem with my parents. I have a feeling that they could find a way to make a full body shiatzu massage stressful for me because that's just the way they roll.
So if I can't travel with my best friend or with the two people responsible for my existence on this earth you might be asking who can I travel with? Well, it's obviously a short list but there are actually a few people that I've managed to road trip successfully with. If I can't talk any of them into joining me this time I can always go it alone I guess? Of course it's not ideal but I've always been more a fan of the road less traveled anyway.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
The Shoe Doctor
I made a trip to see my local cobbler this week. I know most people don't use the term cobbler anymore but it really takes me back to the days of yore so I like to use it whenever possible.
I have a lot of respect for a good cobbler. They're a dying breed and now I think I know why. So I found this really great pair of boots last weekend. Finding the perfect pair of boots is a lot like finding a soul mate in that it's difficult to articulate exactly what you're looking for but when it crosses your path you know your life will never be the same. Unfortunately, I don't really believe in soul mates but that doesn't stop me from believing that the perfect pair of boots is out there waiting for me to find them.
So these boots were perfect except for one minor thing - they were knee high boots, and I just wasn't really in the market for knee high boots. Fortunately, I could see past this and knew that these boots, like my future soul mate, would be perfect with just a little bit of tweaking.
I arrived at my cobbler's and explained to him how I wanted to modify the boots from knee high to ankle boots. He gave the boots a once over, took a moment to really absorb the gravity of the situation and after a long pause said in his Italian accent "So these boots are basically no good to you? They're no good to you like this." I wasn't exactly sure if he was asking me or telling me but I responded "Well, I wouldn't exactly say that they're..." He quickly interrupted, "I hope that they were giving these boots away." Unfortunately, I had actually paid a monetary sum for them so I felt like a real idiot at that point. I felt like saying, "Vincenzo, last I checked I was the customer here. The customer who's trying to give you a job to keep you in business which let me tell you is no easy task. Do you realize you're in an almost extinct profession? I singlehandedly keep the town candlestick maker and blacksmith in business so you are messing with the wrong person! The milkman gave me some attitude a while ago and I think we know how that worked out."
Obviously I didn't really tell Vincenzo what I thought. The thing about Vincenzo is that not only is he a master shoe surgeon, he's also an artist. I've come to realize that the more talented the artist the more temperamental they are so it really was a good sign.
I picked my boots up from Vincenzo today and let me tell you he did not disappoint. Judging by his work I'm guessing that all of the time and energy he saves with his lack of decorum is poured into his work. I guess that's the luxury of being talented. People tend to be more willing to overlook your shortcomings if you bring something else of value to the table. Boy can I hardly wait to become talented so I can start walking all over people. I've already got the perfect pair of boots for it.
I have a lot of respect for a good cobbler. They're a dying breed and now I think I know why. So I found this really great pair of boots last weekend. Finding the perfect pair of boots is a lot like finding a soul mate in that it's difficult to articulate exactly what you're looking for but when it crosses your path you know your life will never be the same. Unfortunately, I don't really believe in soul mates but that doesn't stop me from believing that the perfect pair of boots is out there waiting for me to find them.
So these boots were perfect except for one minor thing - they were knee high boots, and I just wasn't really in the market for knee high boots. Fortunately, I could see past this and knew that these boots, like my future soul mate, would be perfect with just a little bit of tweaking.
I arrived at my cobbler's and explained to him how I wanted to modify the boots from knee high to ankle boots. He gave the boots a once over, took a moment to really absorb the gravity of the situation and after a long pause said in his Italian accent "So these boots are basically no good to you? They're no good to you like this." I wasn't exactly sure if he was asking me or telling me but I responded "Well, I wouldn't exactly say that they're..." He quickly interrupted, "I hope that they were giving these boots away." Unfortunately, I had actually paid a monetary sum for them so I felt like a real idiot at that point. I felt like saying, "Vincenzo, last I checked I was the customer here. The customer who's trying to give you a job to keep you in business which let me tell you is no easy task. Do you realize you're in an almost extinct profession? I singlehandedly keep the town candlestick maker and blacksmith in business so you are messing with the wrong person! The milkman gave me some attitude a while ago and I think we know how that worked out."
Obviously I didn't really tell Vincenzo what I thought. The thing about Vincenzo is that not only is he a master shoe surgeon, he's also an artist. I've come to realize that the more talented the artist the more temperamental they are so it really was a good sign.
I picked my boots up from Vincenzo today and let me tell you he did not disappoint. Judging by his work I'm guessing that all of the time and energy he saves with his lack of decorum is poured into his work. I guess that's the luxury of being talented. People tend to be more willing to overlook your shortcomings if you bring something else of value to the table. Boy can I hardly wait to become talented so I can start walking all over people. I've already got the perfect pair of boots for it.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
So a friend recently relayed a story that I found pretty funny and for some reason it got me thinking. As the story goes, my friend who we'll call "Michelle" was minding her own business while in a local Starbuck's type establishment. As she's sitting there she sees a woman in a wheelchair making her way to the restroom. Being the kind soul that she is she thinks to herself that maybe she should go assist the woman. She makes her way over and opens the door for her and makes sure she gets into the bathroom alright. If you're keeping track at home this would be mistake #1.
As it turns out this woman is paraplegic and she asks my friend if she wouldn't mind helping her get out of her wheelchair and onto the toilet. Here's where things start to get dicey for me. Of course nobody wants to walk away from a paraplegic in need but I think it's asking a lot of a complete stranger to expect them to help you on and off a toilet. Surprisingly unfazed however, Michelle agrees to assist. Now that her new friend is securely mounted on the toilet Michelle assumes that she'll excuse herself and allow the woman to take it from here. Unfortunately, in addition to being a paraplegic this woman also has a fear of abandonment and asks her if she'll just wait until she's done.
This story did get me thinking though. It got me thinking about how something like this would never happen to me. It's not because I'm not a kind person because I do think that I actually am. Then again maybe that's like how everybody thinks they’re a good driver? I guess I just don't really look for or invite opportunities to help strangers into my life. Sure if someone asks for help I'm more than happy to help and I think about helping people all the time. I sometimes see strangers walking down the street and think to myself "Wow, I wish I could help them. They look like they could use it." In the end though I spend a lot of time worrying that I might be intruding. After all, the last thing I'd want to do is offend someone by presuming that they need my help. In order for me to help someone I like to be sure of the need either by way of an engraved invitation or an excessive amount of blood or carnage. Unfortunately this means that sometimes I'm a day late and a dollar short. Michelle on the other hand didn't wait to be asked to help. Sure this might mean she’ll end up handling a few adult diapers before all is said and done but she ended up doing a good thing and got a good story out of it which of course makes just about anything worthwhile.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Pony Rides at 4:00
Email is a very powerful tool. I'm not sure who invented it which is kind of surprising don't you think? It seems like that kind of invention would make you pretty famous. My sister insists it's this guy she plays tennis with but I've yet to verify that. Either way it's a very useful tool and it's kind of hard to think about how much it's changed how we communicate. As of late I've been realizing how dangerous this tool can be especially in the work environment. No other tool gives everyone endless opportunities to make complete idiots of themselves.
First let me begin by discussing the annoying and inappropriate use of the "reply to all" button. This button is a very powerful one and one that should be used judiciously. I honestly think that anytime you hit the "reply to all" button there should be a secondary warning like "Are you sure you want to reply to ALL?" The problem is that there seems to be a group of very clueless individuals who can't seem to find the simple "reply" button. Like when an email goes out to all employees announcing something like "There will be a quarterly business update next Wednesday at 1:00 PM" and invariably one or more peons reply to all with some sort of useless message like "Thanks Jim see you at 1:00". Seriously, Jim doesn't care and I care even less than Jim so quit cluttering my inbox and get back to work. Another example of the inappropriate use of the "reply to all" button happened a while ago when I invited a bunch of people from work over to my place for a get together. I invited about 25 or so people via email. In the email I gave details about date and time and other relevant information. I sarcastically mentioned that the event would "kick off around 4:00PM with pony rides and a marching band". A number of people replied to me individually but one unfortunate soul replied to all and said "Oh, pony rides - sounds like fun! Can I be the first in line? See everyone Saturday!" Needless to say I instantly remembered why she annoyed me and why I didn't want to invite her in the first place. I didn't reply to her email since I didn't think there was much point. One of my colleagues however wasn't able to resist and replied "Yes, you can be first in line. Sincerely, Pony."
The other thing I don't get about email at work are the people that use it to write personal things that quite frankly I wouldn't want to keep a record of. For example, a co-worker of mine who I will refer to as "Jane" forwarded some emails to another colleague we'll call "Sandra". The emails were related to a project the two of them were working on. However, after sending Sandra all of the related emails Jane realized that she had forwarded her one too many. After Jane realized this she quickly emailed Sandra and asked her to delete the last email she had sent her and asked her not to read it. Of course that sort of sounded like an invitation to Sandra so she immediately opened the email to find out what the fuss was about. What she found was a rather suggestive email from a male co-worker of ours named "John" . The email detailed their plans to meet up that weekend and how he doesn't know if he can wait until Saturday to see her and included some rather vivid descriptors of what he had planned for their time together. He also mentioned that he wasn't sure if he could stay long on Sunday since it was Father's Day. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that he's married. To be fair though, he seems to have his priorities in order. What makes the story even more painful/hilarious is that as soon as Sandra read this email she forwarded it to ten or more of her nearest and dearest co-workers. So within a few hours pretty much everyone knew about this rendezvous on the weekend. To make matters worse the next day at lunch with all of the key players in attendance one of the guys who received a copy of this email begins the lunch hour conversation by asking "So anyone have any exciting plans for the weekend?"
First let me begin by discussing the annoying and inappropriate use of the "reply to all" button. This button is a very powerful one and one that should be used judiciously. I honestly think that anytime you hit the "reply to all" button there should be a secondary warning like "Are you sure you want to reply to ALL?" The problem is that there seems to be a group of very clueless individuals who can't seem to find the simple "reply" button. Like when an email goes out to all employees announcing something like "There will be a quarterly business update next Wednesday at 1:00 PM" and invariably one or more peons reply to all with some sort of useless message like "Thanks Jim see you at 1:00". Seriously, Jim doesn't care and I care even less than Jim so quit cluttering my inbox and get back to work. Another example of the inappropriate use of the "reply to all" button happened a while ago when I invited a bunch of people from work over to my place for a get together. I invited about 25 or so people via email. In the email I gave details about date and time and other relevant information. I sarcastically mentioned that the event would "kick off around 4:00PM with pony rides and a marching band". A number of people replied to me individually but one unfortunate soul replied to all and said "Oh, pony rides - sounds like fun! Can I be the first in line? See everyone Saturday!" Needless to say I instantly remembered why she annoyed me and why I didn't want to invite her in the first place. I didn't reply to her email since I didn't think there was much point. One of my colleagues however wasn't able to resist and replied "Yes, you can be first in line. Sincerely, Pony."
The other thing I don't get about email at work are the people that use it to write personal things that quite frankly I wouldn't want to keep a record of. For example, a co-worker of mine who I will refer to as "Jane" forwarded some emails to another colleague we'll call "Sandra". The emails were related to a project the two of them were working on. However, after sending Sandra all of the related emails Jane realized that she had forwarded her one too many. After Jane realized this she quickly emailed Sandra and asked her to delete the last email she had sent her and asked her not to read it. Of course that sort of sounded like an invitation to Sandra so she immediately opened the email to find out what the fuss was about. What she found was a rather suggestive email from a male co-worker of ours named "John" . The email detailed their plans to meet up that weekend and how he doesn't know if he can wait until Saturday to see her and included some rather vivid descriptors of what he had planned for their time together. He also mentioned that he wasn't sure if he could stay long on Sunday since it was Father's Day. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that he's married. To be fair though, he seems to have his priorities in order. What makes the story even more painful/hilarious is that as soon as Sandra read this email she forwarded it to ten or more of her nearest and dearest co-workers. So within a few hours pretty much everyone knew about this rendezvous on the weekend. To make matters worse the next day at lunch with all of the key players in attendance one of the guys who received a copy of this email begins the lunch hour conversation by asking "So anyone have any exciting plans for the weekend?"
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
The Melvin Model
So yesterday at work I was sitting in a meeting. It was the kind of meeting that made me recall the "inspirational" poster that says "Meetings: None of us is as dumb as all of us." I've always wanted to buy that poster and put it up in my office. It would be right next to the one that says "Leaders are like eagles. We don't have either of them here." For some reason those slogans never get old. Anyway, I'm in this meeting trying to think of amusing ways to pass the time. My boss is droning on about a problem in our department. The funny thing about this problem is that I remember when I first started this job about a year and a half ago I sat in a meeting during my first week and this very same issue was discussed. In fact I think it was the exact same discussion except now I throw in my two cents. The problem is that we sit around and everybody vents, throws out opinions and suggestions but we never really come to any clear consensus. So as per usual I am attempting to ensure that I'm engaged enough in the discussion to avoid having the conversation turn my way without me having any clue about what's being discussed. After the first ten times that happens in a week it starts to get embarrassing. So I throw in a few insightful comments to which my boss replies "Well, yes we probably could go that route and I believe that is what the Melvin Model suggests." Then his boss pipes up and says "Well, I think what the Melvin model is really getting at is....." So at this point I'm wondering two things: 1. Could I convincingly fake a heart attack in order to get out of this meeting? and 2. What the hell's bells is the "Melvin Model"? I like to think that I'm fairly up to date on management models and theories but I've never heard of what seems to be a very relevant and popular theory. Finally after the fifth mention of the Melvin Model I asked my boss what the Melvin Model was? He explained "Melvin is the management systems expert at one of our other facilities. He was here last week and had some suggestions for us on some of the issues we're having so that's what we're referring to." So his suggestions are now called "The Melvin Model"? Are you kidding me? Well I guess it doesn't take much to become a legend around these parts? That's reassuring I guess. On an unrelated side note I'm suggesting we have assigned stalls in the bathroom. Can we call this the "Heather Model"? For some reason I seem to be the only person who finds this whole name your own model thing a bit humourous. So I decided t o have some fun with it. Today we're sitting in another meeting discussing something totally unrelated to the legendary "Melvin Model" and anytime I'm asked a question I suggest that we refer to the Melvin Model for direction. Most of the people in the meeting have no idea about the Melvin model but there's one guy who was in yesterday's meeting and finally after the fourth time I mention the Melvin model he gets annoyed and says "You know what you can do with the Melvin model?....." In the interest of keeping this blog PG rated I'll refrain from telling you what he said. Needless to say it was pretty funny. Poor Melvin though...it wasn't a very nice place he was suggesting I put it. I knew there was still more to be done with this and so throughout the day as people came to me with problems or questions I suggested they refer to the Melvin model. This was where the greatest power of the Melvin model was. That's because nobody knows what the Melvin Model is but they think they should know so they don't ask anymore questions they just leave you alone and go look for their answer somewhere else. I'm telling you it's a very powerful tool. In fact I'm thinking about taking the Melvin Model global. Who's with me?
Sunday, March 04, 2007
I Think I Might Be Allergic To You
I think I might be allergic to people. The truth is that I actually like people very much just not annoying people. The problem is that there seems to be an extremely high concentration of annoying people everywhere I go. Which also explains why I don't go many places. Unfortunately the one place I have to go is work and co-workers are like family in that you don't really have much choice in who they are. Over the last year our department has had so much turnover I decided to start calling people by generic names in order to avoid using up valuable memory space and brain power by learning people's names that weren't going to be around long anyway. So my male colleagues can expect to be called either Bob, Jim or Rajimder and female colleagues go by Susy, Jane or Hildegard. At first people thought I was just trying to be funny by calling people by random names but it's going on six months and I think they're kind of getting into it. In fact, the other day Rajimder emailed me a list of possible alternative names he'd like me to start calling him. It seems as though he wasn't so fond of the one I came up with for him. I explained to him that I understand where he's coming from but it's high time we stopped just talking about diversity and started really living it. Raj still wasn't convinced so finally I just said "listen Sven (that's his real name) I know it's not easy to be a convincing Raj when you're as white as you are but I don't look anything like a Heather so get over it! We all have our crosses to bear!"
So anyway, to make matters worse a new woman started in our department this week. Dealing with new people is always challenging for me. I believe there are basically two types of new people. The first comes in and is able to easily blend into the background. They speak only when spoken to, they don't rock the boat they just sort of quietly go about their business for a while until we forget that they're new and then they can start to have opinions and join in on our conversations. The other type is the person who feels the need to share their opinions on everything and invites themselves into conversations they aren't supposed to be a part of. My newest coworker would fall into the latter category. So on her first day I happenned to bake some cookies and bring them into work. I was talking to one of my coworkers when new girl heretofore known as Suzy came by and interjected herself into our conversation. I mentioned to Suzy that I had brought in some cookies and she was more than welcome to help herself. Suzy then asked "are there any nuts in them?" I told her that there were almonds in them at which point she informed me that she was allergic to nuts so she wouldn't be able to try them. I then asked "So you're allergic to ALL nuts?" "Well", Suzy replied, "not all nuts I'm just deathly allergic to peanuts and cashews I just don't like nuts in general." So why did you say you were allergic to nuts when you really just meant that you're allergic to cookies you don't think you'll like? Truthfully, I couldn't care less if Suzy tried one of my cookies. I happenned to spend months researching and testing multiple recipes and if she doesn't want to try the world's greatest cookie then it's no skin off my teeth. This was the first indication that my newest colleague was going to be a handful. The next day we had our weekly department meeting. This was Suzy's first meeting with our group and at the end of each meeting we go around the table and if anyone has anything that needs to be discussed that wasn't brought up at the meeting this is their opportunity to speak up. Most of the time it's pretty uneventful but this time Suzy had something to say. "I just wanted to let everyone know that I have a severe allergy to peanuts and cashews so if I come in contact with either of these I could die. So it would be a good idea if you didn't bring nuts with you to work." Well I guess that means we're not going to be carpooling then are we Suzy? Seriously though Suzy could we ratchet down the drama just one or two notches? You could die? I happen to know a couple of people who have severe nut allergies and last I checked it's not a death sentence. Yes it's serious but it's not cancer. I was so tempted to bring a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to work the next day and then hand it to her and say "So how long do you think you have?" Unfortunately it didn't quite end there. At the end of the week one of our co-workers was going to be leaving for another job and so a group of us were going out for lunch on her last day. At one point we were discussing the possibility of getting together for lunch again in a few weeks with our soon to be former co-worker. Somebody mentioned that there was a really good Japanese restaurant that we should go to. Suzy jumped in and said that she might not be able to eat there if they cooked with nuts. She said that if we gave her the name of the restaurant she could call them and find out if she could eat there. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. In fact why don't you head back to the office now and give them a call so we can finish our lunch in peace? And another thing Peanut Head, nobody cares if you can come to lunch with us! In fact I'm kind of hoping that this restaurant specializes in peanut butter sushi wrapped in cashews.
So I'm not sure how Suzy's going to make out with us. I'm hoping week one isn't an indication of things to come. Otherwise I can see the headline now "Annoying Co-worker Dies in Tragic Peanut Butter Cup Accident".
So anyway, to make matters worse a new woman started in our department this week. Dealing with new people is always challenging for me. I believe there are basically two types of new people. The first comes in and is able to easily blend into the background. They speak only when spoken to, they don't rock the boat they just sort of quietly go about their business for a while until we forget that they're new and then they can start to have opinions and join in on our conversations. The other type is the person who feels the need to share their opinions on everything and invites themselves into conversations they aren't supposed to be a part of. My newest coworker would fall into the latter category. So on her first day I happenned to bake some cookies and bring them into work. I was talking to one of my coworkers when new girl heretofore known as Suzy came by and interjected herself into our conversation. I mentioned to Suzy that I had brought in some cookies and she was more than welcome to help herself. Suzy then asked "are there any nuts in them?" I told her that there were almonds in them at which point she informed me that she was allergic to nuts so she wouldn't be able to try them. I then asked "So you're allergic to ALL nuts?" "Well", Suzy replied, "not all nuts I'm just deathly allergic to peanuts and cashews I just don't like nuts in general." So why did you say you were allergic to nuts when you really just meant that you're allergic to cookies you don't think you'll like? Truthfully, I couldn't care less if Suzy tried one of my cookies. I happenned to spend months researching and testing multiple recipes and if she doesn't want to try the world's greatest cookie then it's no skin off my teeth. This was the first indication that my newest colleague was going to be a handful. The next day we had our weekly department meeting. This was Suzy's first meeting with our group and at the end of each meeting we go around the table and if anyone has anything that needs to be discussed that wasn't brought up at the meeting this is their opportunity to speak up. Most of the time it's pretty uneventful but this time Suzy had something to say. "I just wanted to let everyone know that I have a severe allergy to peanuts and cashews so if I come in contact with either of these I could die. So it would be a good idea if you didn't bring nuts with you to work." Well I guess that means we're not going to be carpooling then are we Suzy? Seriously though Suzy could we ratchet down the drama just one or two notches? You could die? I happen to know a couple of people who have severe nut allergies and last I checked it's not a death sentence. Yes it's serious but it's not cancer. I was so tempted to bring a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to work the next day and then hand it to her and say "So how long do you think you have?" Unfortunately it didn't quite end there. At the end of the week one of our co-workers was going to be leaving for another job and so a group of us were going out for lunch on her last day. At one point we were discussing the possibility of getting together for lunch again in a few weeks with our soon to be former co-worker. Somebody mentioned that there was a really good Japanese restaurant that we should go to. Suzy jumped in and said that she might not be able to eat there if they cooked with nuts. She said that if we gave her the name of the restaurant she could call them and find out if she could eat there. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. In fact why don't you head back to the office now and give them a call so we can finish our lunch in peace? And another thing Peanut Head, nobody cares if you can come to lunch with us! In fact I'm kind of hoping that this restaurant specializes in peanut butter sushi wrapped in cashews.
So I'm not sure how Suzy's going to make out with us. I'm hoping week one isn't an indication of things to come. Otherwise I can see the headline now "Annoying Co-worker Dies in Tragic Peanut Butter Cup Accident".
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Sarcasm: The Ultimate Career Killer
So if the first step is recognizing the problem then I am there. In fact I was there a while ago. It’s just that critical second step that continues to elude me. When I started my first full time job I realized that I was going to have to rein in the level of sarcasm I used in the work setting. So for the most part during my professional career I’ve shown a great deal of restraint in this area but as of late seem to having increasing difficulty activating my internal filter.
So let me begin by setting the stage. It was taco salad day in the employee cafeteria which is pretty much the standout menu item at our sad excuse for a cafeteria. People wait months for taco salad day and it always arrive with much fanfare. The cafeteria is always packed to standing room only capacity. I’m a particularly big fan of taco salad day so I had corralled a group of colleagues from my department to join me for lunch.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
And We're Back...
After a bit of a hiatus I am back. I know it probably seems that I’ve just been lazy or uninspired but nothing could be further from the truth. In fact I’ve been pretty busy doing some of my most important life’s work. I started doing some soul searching a few months ago and started thinking about what my legacy was going to be here on this earth. You know, how was I going to be remembered and what was I going to leave behind? It was a very short and insignificant list and ended up being a very sobering time of reflection which soon turned into a not so sobering time of further reflection. Needless to say I realized I had essentially wasted a great deal of time. However, I also realized that I still had a chance to make something of my life. So I decided that the best way to make sure that I was remembered was to solve an important global problem. I began by making a list of some of the world’s greatest problems and figured I’d narrow it down from there. Here’s what the first draft of the list looked like:
- The
- Global Warming
- Polio
After perusing the list I decided to start by choosing the item on the list that I knew would have the most impact. This of course was the polio epidemic. However, after doing extensive research I was surprised to learn that apparently somebody had already beaten me to the punch on this one and found a cure a few years ago. Boy I wish my pediatrician had known about that. Ah well, it was an honest oversight I’m sure. Plus, my limp is barely noticeable to most people as long as I’m not moving. From there I decided to start with the low hanging fruit and so I began researching this middle east situation. To get a little perspective I watched the movie “
Although a little discouraged, I decided to soldier on. So I moved to the next item on my list which was global warming. I was so inspired by Al Gore’s “Inconvenient Truth” that I decided to start doing my part. First of all, can I just say how fascinating I find Al Gore. Here’s a guy who was a senator, a vice president, invented the internet, won/lost a presidential election is now attempting to put an end to global warming but probably still can’t get more than five people outside of a blue state to vote for him. What does a brother have to do to get some respect? A word to the wise here Al – quit doing things that matter since obviously nobody cares. Speaking of Al Gore I was just going through some boxes the other day and came across this bumper sticker I bought during the 2000 election that said “Nixon in 2000. At least he’s not as stiff as Gore.” C’mon you have to agree that’s pretty funny? Okay, you don’t. So back to me and Al Gore vs. global warming… So I decided the first step in my fight for the environment was to stop making fun of people with hybrid cars. This was when I realized that real progress doesn’t come without meaningful sacrifices. Next, I reduced my usage of CFC producing aerosol hairspray down to two bottles a day. Those of you who know me best will understand when I say that this was where the rubber really meets the road for me. Let me tell you for the first couple of days people barely recognized me. Fortunately though I found that not only was this a good move for the environment but also from a safety perspective as I realized that if someone had come within ten feet of me with any type of heat source I would have been lit up like a roman candle. Anyway, I really felt like I was making some progress That was until Christmas day rolls around and I realize I’m outside in what used to be referred to as the “Great White North” and it’s raining not snowing and I’m wearing a long sleeved shirt no jacket and feeling quite comfortable. That’s when this global warming thing really hit home. Fortunately, just as I was about to pull my Hummer out of storage to resume using it as my grocery-getter the temperature started to plummet and as of today I can spend no more than ten seconds outside without losing total feeling in my extremities. Now that’s what I call progress! Sure I have third degree frostbite and I may lose a toe or two but if Gandhi could go without a few big macs for the sake of his beliefs who am I to complain?
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