Tuesday, July 25, 2006

I'm Not Here to Make Friends

Have you ever worked with someone who's disclaimer whenever they were a complete jerk to people was, "Well I'm not here to make friends!" I've realized recently that I've worked with at least one or more of these people at every one of my jobs. I've also realized that each of these individuals has a great deal in common. For one, their lack of desire for friendships with the people they work with tends to become a self fulfilling prophecy. I've sort of become more curious about this phenomenom and have been trying to get a better understanding of what causes people to get to that place of complete disdain and indifference for the feelings of the people they work with. It sort of seems like fear of intimacy except in work relationships as opposed to personal ones. Did they have a work friendship that went horribly wrong? Don't get me wrong I think it's important to draw the line between your work and your personal life but since when did treating people with common decency become a precursor to an intimate and lifelong friendship. I just want to get through the day without wanting to get violent with my coworkers and people like you my "friend" make it very difficult.

And speaking of work... What's with the people that use the company printer to print totally inappropriate and non work related items? Of course we all use company resources for things that are not at all company related but am I the only one who knows how to do it discreetly? There's this guy I work with who's always printing off things that are totally non work related and he leaves them on the printer for everyone to view. For example, today I went to the printer to pick up something I printed and in my pile of papers I found an order form for a slimjim belt. Yeah, that's right, a slimjim belt. It had a big cowboy style belt buckle complete with the slimjim logo. I had no idea there was any sort of demand for slimjim belts. I guess it's true what they say: "One man's trash is another man's treasure." So for obvious reasons I found this a bit humorous. The problem was that everytime I saw this guy around the office for the rest of the day I had the urge to say "You know what would look great on you?" Luckily, I've resisted the urge...so far that is.
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Saturday, July 15, 2006

'Til Death Do Us Part?

I was at a wedding last weekend and it really got me thinking. It got me thinking about life, love and the inappropriate things people do at weddings. Of course it also got me thinking about the institution of marriage and what a HUGE commitment that is. I guess when I really think about it I can wrap my head around just about everything except the whole “till death do us part” thing. Unfortunately, as someone once told me the wedding vows aren’t really a buffet – they're kind of an all or nothing proposition. The problem is that I can barely commit to 'til next week do us part. I guess I could do the 'til death do us part thing if I was marrying someone I knew had a terminal illness or something but what are the chances of me being lucky enough to find someone like that?

The other thing I realized is that weddings are the reason that marriage is so hard. Here’s my theory: So on your wedding day everything is at its best. You both look great, you’re in love (hopefully), you’re surrounded by all of your closest friends, family, some random people you don’t know and of course an open bar. How could things not go downhill from here? Your husband’s not going to be wearing a tuxedo everyday. Unless of course he’s a butler but I’m not sure how practical that is as a career choice. Your friends and family aren’t going to be over everyday dancing to “Old Time Rock & Roll” and “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy”. Plus, you’re not always going to have an endless supply of alcohol at your fingertips (although, that might not be a bad idea). So the bottom line from my perspective is that things can only go downhill after the wedding. Then again, I’m a bit of a hopeless romantic so take that for what it’s worth.

On an unrelated wedding side note, I’d like to make a request to all of the DJ’s of the world that they permanently remove “Old Time Rock & Roll” from their playlists. This seems to be a staple in the wedding DJ catalog for some reason. I know that it really gets the old people out onto the dance floor and I can admit to on one occasion ten years ago turning this song up and singing to it when it came on the radio but it is officially time to move one. “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy” however can definitely stay on the list. It’s sort of a dark horse as far as wedding dance songs go but it’s a fun song and both young and old can appreciate it. Who among us hasn’t been attracted to someone with a farmer’s tan? Yeah that’s what I thought. And for all you country music haters out there – get over yourselves and get a sense of humor already.

Now for my final thoughts on inappropriate wedding behaviour…

Let me first set the stage: It’s an outdoor wedding ceremony. It’s a beautiful summer day. The sun’s shining, birds are singing and a string quartet is playing in the background. Then from out of nowhere a woman files into the seat in front of me and she’s got the largest, most colourful tattoo on her upper back/shoulder area. This isn’t any ordinary tattoo though. It’s a good six inches by six inches and it’s got like three different colours. The actual tattoo is an orange tiger and it’s got a whole jungle theme going on. It was the kind of tattoo that made me feel like I should be paying admission to look at it. The bottom line however was that I found it quite distracting. As the bride was walking down the aisle I could barely see her because of the orange glow off of the tattoo. I don't have any problem with someone having a tattoo but I just think that if you’re going to have a massive tattoo on your back then maybe you can’t wear a dress that shows it when you’re at an event like a wedding. Sure Saturday afternoon at the park is a fine occasion to show it off but tattoo’s are not all occasion accessories. That’s why when it comes to tattoos the three most important things to consider when getting one are location, location, and location.

Now for my own somewhat embarrassing admission... When I arrived for the ceremony there were two ushers that were seating people. One of them in particular caught my eye. He was good looking and of course had a really nice suit on and who among us can resist a good looking man in a nice suit? After I sat down I checked my program to find out who this was. As it turns out it was the bride’s stepfather. Yeah, I guess I forgot to mention that he was about my dad’s age. I was still going to go for it of course until I saw her mother and as luck would have it she was very attractive as well and as it turns out they’re quite serious. Well that’s if you call being married for ten years serious. As far as I’m concerned anything under twenty could go either way. Which brings me to the other problem I have with weddings – they cloud your judgment. I liken going to a wedding when you’re single to going grocery shopping when you’re hungry in that you make decisions you wouldn’t ordinarily make. Guy’s who you wouldn’t ordinarily look twice at start to look like Brad Pitt because they’re in a nice suit or you find the bride's stepfather attractive and ask the bride how serious her mother and stepfather are.

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Sunday, June 04, 2006

The Art of the Dramatic Exit

So this week at work turned out to be an interesting one. It was a week filled with drama, intrigue and of course a little bit of humour.

At lunch time on Wednesday everyone in our department was summoned for an emergency meeting. Since “emergency” meetings are not a regular occurrence I was naturally a bit suspicious as to the agenda of this meeting. At high noon the ten of us shuffle into our tiny conference room which was designed to seat about five comfortably. I got there a couple of minutes early so I was fortunate to not have to sit on somebody’s lap. As we settle in, our boss looks around and asks “So is this everybody?” We all look around and realize that one person is missing. A few of us pipe up and say “Oh wait, John’s not here yet.” As it turns out John wasn’t going to make it after all. In fact, at that very moment John was being escorted out of his office and forced into early retirement. So as our boss tells us the news of John’s early departure and the impending organizational shuffle that will ensue we are all quite surprised. I mean John was not the most incompetent person I’ve worked with. In fact he’s not actually the most incompetent person in our department. He was also the person in the department with the most seniority in the company. This obviously doesn’t carry much weight but was still an interesting fact. Our boss explained that John was just “not a good fit” with the organization. Why it took them twenty years to figure that out I’m still not sure of. As he's breaking the news to us my first thought went back to a Fortune magazine cover story that came out about a year ago entitled "Fifty and Fired". It chronicled the growing trend of the aging workforce being forced out of their jobs in favour of younger/cheaper replacements. It was a sobering story and one that really got me thinking about things. Poor John, he was a decent guy, he was hard working and he was somebody's dad. In fact he has two daughters. I couldn't help but think about what that would be like if that were my dad. It's not easy finding a decent job at any age let alone at fifty. I think statistically you have a better chance of getting hit by lightning. And probably after a few years of a fruitless job search that might start looking like a good option. Anyway, I tried to think about the bright side. Because if there's one thing I'm known for it's always looking for the silver lining on life's storm clouds. Since John had been with the company for twenty years he was probably going to get a pretty decent financial package. Plus, if he enjoyed his job even half as much as the rest of us did he'd probably be much happier in the long run? I began looking around the room trying to read people's reactions. Of course there were the people who were only thinking about how inconvenient all of this was for them since they would have to pick up the slack for poor John. Then there were those of us who were desperately trying to read between the lines of what our boss was saying to understand what had lead to John’s hasty removal. Then there was my favourite individual reaction: As our boss is breaking the news to us it was obvious that one of my co-workers was taking the news VERY hard. Her face was red and she was fidgeting in her seat. Then finally a couple of minutes in as our boss continues to talk, she gets up from her seat and heads for the door. I think to myself “Wow, I thought the dramatic exit had gone out of style when Dallas went off the air?” Clearly I was mistaken. Not only does she make her dramatic exit which was complete with the slamming door behind her but she does my favourite version of the dramatic exit. Yeah, that’s the one where you make your exit but in your haste to win the Oscar you forget something behind and have to return to retrieve it. So sure enough within ten seconds she reopens the door and has to come back to get her glasses. What made it especially funny is that we were all crammed into this room like sardines so she had to basically climb over three people to get to her glasses and then climb back over those people to get to the door again. Needless to say although she was able to retrieve her glasses from the room, she did leave a little bit of her dignity behind. I bet our old friend John would have found it funny too. That's if he wasn't being forcibly removed from the premises at the time.

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Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Word to the Wise

“It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others”.

Definitely one of my favourite quotes and one that I try to live it on a daily basis. In keeping with that I would like to impart some wise counsel to you. So here it is: Do not under any circumstance watch more than three Oprah’s in one sitting. Okay, you’re probably asking yourself “Who has the time to watch more than three Oprah’s in a row?” A very good question and one to which there is only one correct answer – me. Ordinarily I’m not in the habit of watching three hours of Oprah in one sitting but this was an extenuating circumstance. I had been on vacation for a couple of weeks and so when I came back I had to work through all of the TV shows that were recorded while I was away. I started by working through my backlog of Gilmore Girls recordings. I mean who can resist this tender yet entertaining mother-daughter drama/comedy? Not me that’s for sure.

So I’m no longer ashamed to admit that I quite enjoy Oprah. I find her show both informative and entertaining. Yes she’s quite full of herself but I’m guessing it would be hard not to be with all of that money and power. So initially I had planned to see what each show was about and then delete the ones that didn’t interest me and move one. Five hours and one box of Kleenex later I realized that things hadn’t exactly gone according to plan. In my defense it is May sweeps which means that every show is impossible to turn off. It started out with a show on marriage with the first guest being Lance Armstrong’s ex-wife. Anyway, the former Mrs. Armstrong (she still kept Armstrong as her last name which I found interesting) had recently written an article for Glamour magazine about the “conspiracy of marriage”(Her words not mine people. I kind of wish they were though.). Unfortunately she didn’t talk any smack about Lance which was really what I was looking for. She mainly talked about how she lost her identity when she got married and forgot who she was. Maybe this was news to some people but I just though “yeah take a number”. Things got even more interesting when Dr. Robin started talking about her failed marriage. For those who don’t know Dr. Robin, she’s the show’s resident psychologist/advice giver. She’s kind of like Dr. Phil except with insight and no condescension or Texas accent. The final segment of the show had a couple that was getting married in two week but the girl was having doubts. Why this girl would want to go on national tv and publicly announce her misgivings is still baffling to me. She insisted that she was still going to go through with it which I guess was supposed to be reassuring but I’m guessing that movement on her wedding registry that day was a little slow.

Now for show #2… This one of course was another real pick me up. It was a follow up to a previous show done a couple of years previous. The previous show was about children who had been molested. This particular boy had been molested by his mother’s live-in boyfriend for number of years. His mother found out and asked the guy to get help. Fortunately this woman had an unending capacity for unconditional love because once he got “help” she got back together with him and as you can imagine this story ended well. Oh wait, not at all. Turns out he started raping her son again on a daily basis. Eventually she kicked him out and that was the end of the first show. The follow up show took a “surprising” turn. The son was on the show and talked about what had happened since he had been on the show with his mother. The good news was that his mother had eventually found lasting and undying love and had recently been married. The bad news was that it was to the same man who molested her son.

If you’re keeping score I’ve now lost all faith in humanity and the institution of marriage. Still can’t turn the TV off for some reason.

Show #3 was a tour of Oprah’s gardens at her home in Santa Barbara. I know this show shouldn’t have depressed me but something about seeing other people's things that I will never have just sunk me deeper into despair.

Fortunately, just when I was about to hit the pause button and go slit my wrists the show was over. However I did realize something quite interesting. After watching shows about people getting molested, divorced, cheated on, and being murdered in the Sudan I actually started to feel better. Yes I will agree all of their stories were quite sad but it also made me realize that I didn't have it so bad. There's something quite powerful in knowing that no matter how bad I think I've got it, somebody out there's got it worse. Although this contentment seems to only last until I remember all of the people that have it better than me. Well, I guess I better get back to Oprah.

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Thursday, May 11, 2006

Smell You Later

I am calling for an end to commercial air travel as we know it. I’ve never particularly enjoyed flying but I just took my first trans-atlantic flight (yeah I don’t get out much) which really solidified my thoughts on the need for reform.

A couple of quick suggestions for the airlines which I believe would go along way to not only improving the air travel experience but may also play a significant role in moving us closer to world peace.

1. When assigning seats to passengers could you also assign arm rests?

2. Do not announce over the loud speakers what is going on up in business class. The herded cattle back here in "hospitality" service don’t want to know. I thought that's what the curtain was there for? You know that whole "ignorance is bliss" thing. Here’s an example of what not so say based on my recent experience: “For our passengers in hospitality service the entertainment will begin shortly and the first movie being shown is “Aeon Flux” which by the way was recently nominated for worst movie of the year. For our passengers in business class your personal movie selections will be available shortly. Also for our passengers in business class our on board masseuse will be by momentarily followed by your personal chef who will be preparing your meal. For those in hospitality service, all of the food that falls on the floor in business class will be salvaged and served to you later in the flight. Thanks and enjoy your flight."

Now a few Do's and Don’ts for my fellow passengers:

Do Not:

Marinate yourself in any of the following spices prior to flying: Curry powder, cumin or garlic. Although all quite delicious when prepared properly they are also quite pungent when combined with body odour and confined spaces.

Remove your shoes and rest your feet underneath the seat in front of ME. If you don’t have enough room underneath the seat in front of you, guess what, neither do I!

Travel with an infant that cries non-stop unless you have had them fitted with a muzzle and are prepared to use it.

Expect to store more than one carry on bag in the overhead compartment. If you have chosen to bring five pieces of “carry-on” baggage on board I sure hope that at least four of them are going to detonate before take-off because there is not an infinite amount of overhead storage space available. I don’t think it’s fair that I have to store my ONE carry on bag under my seat while you have five of them stored away.


Do:

Wash your turban and whatever’s in and around it more than once annually.

Use deodorant prior to boarding the plane. However if for some reason there are extenuating circumstance which prevent you from using deodorant, do not sit with your arms behind your head while seated next to someone who has a working nose.


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Thursday, April 13, 2006

Derailed

I was at my local Blockbuster recently and let me tell you the whole rental movie store experience has definitely run its course. I now completely understand why online rental companies have become so popular. Who has the time or patience to deal with the overly friendly staff and unwashed masses only to find that the one movie you wanted to see is not in stock despite there being about 60 empty cases taunting you from the display shelf.


So it’s Friday night and I’ve been assigned the task of picking up the movie that a friend and I had decided on seeing. I thought actually agreeing on what movie to see would be the most painful part of the experience but I was sadly mistaken. So obviously with it being Friday night the unwashed masses are out in full force. As I enter the store I assume my usual demeanor when in public places. It involves remaining very focused on the task at hand and avoiding eye contact with people at any cost. Of course if you’ve been to Blockbuster you know that company policy dictates that all customers entering the store are greeted by a staff member. I guess that’s fine except that they do it in such a way that makes me wonder if they’ve been told that they’d be struck down by an act of God if they missed just one customer. So I make my way to the movie that we agreed on which happened to be “Derailed”. As I’m walking over to the shelf I can see that there are a ton of copies on the shelf. Of course as I get to the shelf I realize that none of them have the coveted empty case behind them. So I stand there for a minute gazing longingly at the shelf trying to plan my next move. As I’m doing this a Blockbuster associate approaches me and asks me “So, are you looking for something in particular?” I’m tempted to reply “No, nothing in particular. I just thought I’d stand here and stare at these empty “Derailed” cases until I figured out what I wanted to see.” Instead I say “Yeah, I was actually looking for a copy of ‘Derailed’”. To which he replies “Well it looks like we’re out of them.” Again I’m thinking “Wow, I hope that they’re paying you handsomely because you are definitely the closest thing to indispensable this organization will ever see.” Then he says, “How about ‘Just Like Heaven’, we have lots of copies in stock?” First of all, there’s a reason you have lots of copies in stock buddy and no I don’t want to see “Just Like Crap”. When he senses my disinterest he moves in for the hard sell. “You know Reese Witherspoon’s in the movie and she just won an Oscar.” Wow, I had no idea Roger Ebert worked part time at my local Blockbuster! Although last I checked I don’t think she won the Oscar for her turn in “Just Like Heaven”. I then started wondering if Blockbuster was now paying their employees on commission. Why else would this guy be so motivated to move copies of “Just Like Heaven”?

All's well that ends well I guess. I finally located a copy of "Derailed" three video stores later I might add. If you haven't seen it I thought it was pretty good. Although for me Clive Owen + just about anything = Entertaining.

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Wednesday, March 22, 2006

I Fought The Law & The Law Won

So I’m driving home from work minding my own business when out of nowhere a police car pulls up behind me and starts the bells and whistles to get me to pull over. I pull over right away and I’m sort of wondering why I’m being pulled over. Normally I always know why I’m being pulled over mainly because at any given time the chances of me being in violation of some traffic law are pretty good. For some strange reason I really have no idea what I’m being pulled over for this time. The officer approaches my car and I roll down my window. She informs me that I failed to obey a stop sign. I honestly thought that I had stopped but I have a rule about not arguing with somebody with a loaded firearm. Anyway, I hand over my licence and insurance information and the officer makes her way back to her vehicle. As I sit in my car I begin to get upset. I start thinking about how much I hate police officers. Does she have nothing better to do? Isn’t there some old lady being mugged somewhere you should be attending to? Do you have nothing better to do than bilk a tax paying citizen out of my hard earned money? They think they’re so high and mighty with their tickets, their holsters, their tight uniforms and their sirens. As the minutes pass I’m getting more and more annoyed so I come up with a plan of action. I decide that when the officer returns I will turn my music up to an ear-deafening level and see what she says. I figure she’s obviously writing me a ticket so what’ the worst that can happen? Is she going to write me another ticket? Yeah, I dare her. In fact I double dog dare her! I start to get a little excited about my plan which distracts me from the anger I’m feeling over the ticket. Eventually she starts making her way to my car and I see she’s got a ticket in her hand. This is my signal to crank the music. I crank it so loud I worry my ears are going to bleed. As I roll down my window she begins talking. She’s clearly under the impression that I’m going to turn the music down now that she’s arrived. Wrongo! She continues speaking. I think she’s talking about the ticket but for all I know she could be telling me about the price of tea in China. Soon she grows annoyed and says “So you’re just going to turn your radio up?” To which I reply, “You’ve got an amazing grasp for the obvious. Did they teach you that in the academy?” Luckily the music is loud enough that she doesn’t hear the comment. She then hands me my ticket and my licence and storms off.

I will admit this was an extremely immature and silly thing to do and I expected to regret it. The truth is that for some reason it felt really good. I guess it was partly because I never do things like that. On top of that I learned a valuable lesson and that is in certain situations good manners don’t make a bit of difference. By that I mean if I had been polite to her, the result would have been the same. Yeah sure I suppose it’s nice to treat your fellow human being with dignity and respect but she wasn’t exactly extending me any goodwill. So either way I would still have a $100 ticket but at least this way I got a ticket and a little satisfaction.

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Bill Gates Does Not Own a Cat

Procrastination you are not my friend. It all started out pretty innocently which I guess can be said about a lot of things that don’t end that way. I had planned a rather ambitious evening for myself. I had company coming the next day and I needed to prepare a number of items ahead of time. I knew that I had a full evening ahead of me. By about 8PM I was ahead of schedule and just had one item left to prepare. So I’m a little tired at this point and as I survey the kitchen which was full of dirty dishes I decide that in order to get my second wind I need the right music. For me, the right soundtrack is essential when tackling unpleasant tasks. Unfortunately the thirty mix CDs I had previously made were just not quite what I was looking for. I made my way upstairs to create my next masterpiece. As luck would have it my laptop was next to my bed which of course meant I’d have to lie down on my bed to make the CD. So I cue things up and begin burning my CD. I decide that while I’m waiting for it to finish I could just take a power nap. This is where things began to go south since the shortest “power” nap I’ve ever taken was five hours. So as I’m lying there “resting my eyes” my cat jumps up on the bed and makes her way over to me. And so it begins, I think to myself. Of course she curls up next to me just begging to be petted. I’m not a serial killer so of course I can’t resist. I begin rubbing her in all the right spots and instantly wish that people were this easy to please. She begins purring so loudly that I worry the neighbor’s children might be awoken from their slumber. I continue petting her since I figure who am I to deny her this kind of pleasure? Soon she rolls over onto her back with her paws fully outstretched so that I can have full access to her stomach which has been ignored up to this point. In case you’re wondering, my CD finished burning about one hour ago now. Minutes soon turn into hours and eventually when I look over at the clock it is 11:30. How did this happen? I then remember exactly how it happened as I look and see that my cat is curled up in the cat fetal position in my arms sleeping so soundly that I wonder if the sound of a can opener would even wake her. As I stare longingly into her eyes I realize that I don’t think that very many successful people have cats. I bet Bill Gates doesn’t have a cat. If he does it’s definitely not very cute. You know how I know? It’s because he actually gets things done. If he had a cat as charming as mine there’s no way Microsoft would exist today and I can guarantee that.

Eventually my cat woke up and left me and even though it was hard I knew it was for the best. I think she knew that if she didn’t get up I may not be able to. I think in some ways she knew it was in her best interest as well since if she kept things up I was liable to call in sick to work the next day and eventually lose my job which would be bad news for both of us. I appreciated her foresight. She is wise beyond her years. Well maybe not since I think she’s 85 in cat years or does that just apply to dogs? I just want to say for the record that before I had a cat I always thought cat people were slightly dysfunctional. There was always something just a bit off about them. I still stand by that theory I just understand the dysfunction now and embrace it.

A lot of people wonder if you can successfully balance your career and your family. I don’t. The more interesting question in my opinion is whether you can balance accomplishing things and owning a cat. So far I have not been successful, but I’m going to keep working at beating the odds.

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Monday, March 06, 2006

I Wish I Knew How To Quit You

In a surprise twist at this year’s Oscars I didn’t feel the urge to get violent with my TV at any point during the broadcast. Sure it had it’s annoying moments like George Clooney winning for best supporting actor. It’s not that I didn’t think he deserves it because in all honesty I’ve been waiting years for somebody from the Facts of Life to finally get their due. (I always hoped it would be Mrs. Garrett.) Plus, there wasn’t anyone in this particular category that I thought was a standout. I don’t know what it is but something about George Clooney just makes me not want him to win anything. It seems like he’s gotten this far just on his charm so what does he need an Oscar for? Somebody else could put it to a lot better use. Aside from that I was a little disappointed that Catherine Keener didn’t win best supporting actress. She is definitely due. However, I couldn’t be too upset since this was a pretty tough category and I would have been happy with either Catherine Keener, Frances McDormand or Rachel Weisz winning.

Top 5 Oscar Highlights:

Dolly Parton’s Performance
Only Dolly could get a room full of Hollywood’s finest clapping their hands to a country song. I know people only think of one thing when they think of Dolly Parton (okay I guess it’s technically two) but in my opinion she is someone who doesn’t get enough respect. Not only has she written some really great songs but she started her own theme park. She is truly a double threat. (once again no double meaning there). On a side note, if you are ever in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee you really should stop by Dollywood. This is mainly because if you are in Pigeon Forge there really isn’t anything else to do and also because it is quite an operation.

Reese Witherspoon’s Acceptance Speech
Say what you will about Reese but she did put in a great performance in “Walk the Line”. I especially appreciated the fact that she didn’t get overly emotional during here speech which seems to be a requirement for every female actress who wins this award. She managed to say everything she needed to say and of course the best part of her speech were the close-ups we got of her husband Ryan “Don’t Mind if I Do” Phillippe.

The “Three 6 Mafia” winning Best Original Song for “It’s Hard out There for a Pimp”
Can you say dark horse? I am a big fan of the underdog but I’ve got to be honest I did not see this one coming. It was quite entertaining to see these guys accept their award. They were obviously as surprised as the rest of the academy who I believe have already requested an official recount.

Jon Stewart as Host
It’s obvious that theme for this year’s Oscar’s was “And the Last Shall Be First”. In order to keep with this theme the academy had originally hoped to find a gay transsexual cowboy to host the show. Unfortunately they were unsuccessful so they decided that a Jew would be the next best thing. I think it’s a tough gig and Jon Stewart did a good job. I thought he was funny without seeming like he was trying too hard and I think he learned from Chris Rock’s mistake and played it a little safer.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman winning Best Actor
Definitely the most well deserved Oscar of the evening. This guy's great in everything he does and it's about time he got an Oscar to prove it.

Top 5 Oscar Lowlights:

Brokeback Mountain for Best Picture
Am I the only one wondering what all the fuss is about this movie? The acting was average, the characters were underdeveloped, and the story wasn’t all that interesting. I understand that these types of things are very subjective but for me a great movie is one that makes you see the world around you a little differently than you had before. Brokeback in this case didn’t tell a story that many movies before hadn’t already told:
Lesson #1: Being gay isn’t easy. Check
Lesson #2: The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. Double Check
Lesson #3: If you have an affair, your wife will probably find out. Check
Lesson #4: If you’re going on a fishing trip with your “fishing buddy” make sure to actually use the fishing pole…to catch fish.

Goodnight & Good Luck for Best Picture
Oh my goodness!!! You’re telling me that the media is not completely unbiased? They’re under constant pressure from the government and big business? What? When did this start? Oh yeah, since the beginning of journalism. Wow George Clooney you’re cinematic masterpiece is so ahead of its time. Oh wait, this story’s already been told before and better. Please reference “All the Presidents Men” (1976) followed by “The Insider” (1999). I will say that David Strathearn was very good in the role of Edward R. Murrow and did deserve his nomination for Best Actor. I just didn’t think this was Best Picture material.

Finding out that Lauren Bacall doesn’t know how to read
Seriously Lauren what are you on? I think you added an extra ten minutes to the Oscar broadcast with your first grade reading skills. Somebody forgot to tell her that the teleprompter is supposed to be read from left to right.

Constant Gardener not nominated for Best Picture
This movie not being nominated for Best Picture was one of the bigger oversights of this year’s Oscar’s. The story and the acting were great and definitely deserved a nomination especially when compared to a movie like Brokeback Mountain.

Joan Allen Oscarless
Joan Allen is in my opinion one of the greatest actresses out there today. Why doesn’t she have an Oscar yet? Why wasn’t she even nominated? She has more talent in her pinky than Charlize Theron, Halle Berry, and Julia Roberts combined. If you haven’t seen these movies see them immediately (in this order): “The Contender”, “The Upside of Anger”, “Yes”.

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