Wednesday, March 07, 2007
The Melvin Model
So yesterday at work I was sitting in a meeting. It was the kind of meeting that made me recall the "inspirational" poster that says "Meetings: None of us is as dumb as all of us." I've always wanted to buy that poster and put it up in my office. It would be right next to the one that says "Leaders are like eagles. We don't have either of them here." For some reason those slogans never get old. Anyway, I'm in this meeting trying to think of amusing ways to pass the time. My boss is droning on about a problem in our department. The funny thing about this problem is that I remember when I first started this job about a year and a half ago I sat in a meeting during my first week and this very same issue was discussed. In fact I think it was the exact same discussion except now I throw in my two cents. The problem is that we sit around and everybody vents, throws out opinions and suggestions but we never really come to any clear consensus. So as per usual I am attempting to ensure that I'm engaged enough in the discussion to avoid having the conversation turn my way without me having any clue about what's being discussed. After the first ten times that happens in a week it starts to get embarrassing. So I throw in a few insightful comments to which my boss replies "Well, yes we probably could go that route and I believe that is what the Melvin Model suggests." Then his boss pipes up and says "Well, I think what the Melvin model is really getting at is....." So at this point I'm wondering two things: 1. Could I convincingly fake a heart attack in order to get out of this meeting? and 2. What the hell's bells is the "Melvin Model"? I like to think that I'm fairly up to date on management models and theories but I've never heard of what seems to be a very relevant and popular theory. Finally after the fifth mention of the Melvin Model I asked my boss what the Melvin Model was? He explained "Melvin is the management systems expert at one of our other facilities. He was here last week and had some suggestions for us on some of the issues we're having so that's what we're referring to." So his suggestions are now called "The Melvin Model"? Are you kidding me? Well I guess it doesn't take much to become a legend around these parts? That's reassuring I guess. On an unrelated side note I'm suggesting we have assigned stalls in the bathroom. Can we call this the "Heather Model"? For some reason I seem to be the only person who finds this whole name your own model thing a bit humourous. So I decided t o have some fun with it. Today we're sitting in another meeting discussing something totally unrelated to the legendary "Melvin Model" and anytime I'm asked a question I suggest that we refer to the Melvin Model for direction. Most of the people in the meeting have no idea about the Melvin model but there's one guy who was in yesterday's meeting and finally after the fourth time I mention the Melvin model he gets annoyed and says "You know what you can do with the Melvin model?....." In the interest of keeping this blog PG rated I'll refrain from telling you what he said. Needless to say it was pretty funny. Poor Melvin though...it wasn't a very nice place he was suggesting I put it. I knew there was still more to be done with this and so throughout the day as people came to me with problems or questions I suggested they refer to the Melvin model. This was where the greatest power of the Melvin model was. That's because nobody knows what the Melvin Model is but they think they should know so they don't ask anymore questions they just leave you alone and go look for their answer somewhere else. I'm telling you it's a very powerful tool. In fact I'm thinking about taking the Melvin Model global. Who's with me?
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2 comments:
Key tenets of the Melvin Model, as taught by the London School of Economics (as far as I recall - it was a couple of years ago):
1. Every fifth meeting should actively lead to a decrease in productivity in order to accentuate for upper management the value-added of the initial four, no matter how incremental. In the rare case the that initial four meetings actually led to a decrease in (real) productivity, the fifth should be held with alcohol and referred to as a "team-building" exercise.
2. At no point should a power-point presentation without both animation and sound effects be allowed in a professional setting. We've invested $6000 in a projector with speakers, and we intend to use it.
3. Any work done outside of the standard work-week is fair game to be claimed by the worker's supervisor(s). If they're dumb enough to stay, they don't deserve the credit, anyways.
4. Any proposed changes in accepted office procedures (whether explicit or implicit) must be approved by upper management in order to ensure that the integrity of the company vision and values is upheld. In the rare event that upper management is not aware of the current state of accepted office procedures (expl. or impl.), changes may not be proposed without reference to the relevant business model.
5. Motivational posters must be strictly limited to those which motivate without calling to attention the shortcomings of any contemporary management practices, theories, or actual working environments.
Both of you could write for Dilbert... This post made me desperately thankful to be out of the corporate environment, even if I work with a couple of OCD/margarita-addicted lawyers.
Way to go evangelizing for the frickin' Melvin (reminds me of the opposite of pantsing someone) Model.
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