I Think I Might Be Allergic To You

I think I might be allergic to people. The truth is that I actually like people very much just not annoying people. The problem is that there seems to be an extremely high concentration of annoying people everywhere I go. Which also explains why I don't go many places. Unfortunately the one place I have to go is work and co-workers are like family in that you don't really have much choice in who they are. Over the last year our department has had so much turnover I decided to start calling people by generic names in order to avoid using up valuable memory space and brain power by learning people's names that weren't going to be around long anyway. So my male colleagues can expect to be called either Bob, Jim or Rajimder and female colleagues go by Susy, Jane or Hildegard. At first people thought I was just trying to be funny by calling people by random names but it's going on six months and I think they're kind of getting into it. In fact, the other day Rajimder emailed me a list of possible alternative names he'd like me to start calling him. It seems as though he wasn't so fond of the one I came up with for him. I explained to him that I understand where he's coming from but it's high time we stopped just talking about diversity and started really living it. Raj still wasn't convinced so finally I just said "listen Sven (that's his real name) I know it's not easy to be a convincing Raj when you're as white as you are but I don't look anything like a Heather so get over it! We all have our crosses to bear!"

So anyway, to make matters worse a new woman started in our department this week. Dealing with new people is always challenging for me. I believe there are basically two types of new people. The first comes in and is able to easily blend into the background. They speak only when spoken to, they don't rock the boat they just sort of quietly go about their business for a while until we forget that they're new and then they can start to have opinions and join in on our conversations. The other type is the person who feels the need to share their opinions on everything and invites themselves into conversations they aren't supposed to be a part of. My newest coworker would fall into the latter category. So on her first day I happenned to bake some cookies and bring them into work. I was talking to one of my coworkers when new girl heretofore known as Suzy came by and interjected herself into our conversation. I mentioned to Suzy that I had brought in some cookies and she was more than welcome to help herself. Suzy then asked "are there any nuts in them?" I told her that there were almonds in them at which point she informed me that she was allergic to nuts so she wouldn't be able to try them. I then asked "So you're allergic to ALL nuts?" "Well", Suzy replied, "not all nuts I'm just deathly allergic to peanuts and cashews I just don't like nuts in general." So why did you say you were allergic to nuts when you really just meant that you're allergic to cookies you don't think you'll like? Truthfully, I couldn't care less if Suzy tried one of my cookies. I happenned to spend months researching and testing multiple recipes and if she doesn't want to try the world's greatest cookie then it's no skin off my teeth. This was the first indication that my newest colleague was going to be a handful. The next day we had our weekly department meeting. This was Suzy's first meeting with our group and at the end of each meeting we go around the table and if anyone has anything that needs to be discussed that wasn't brought up at the meeting this is their opportunity to speak up. Most of the time it's pretty uneventful but this time Suzy had something to say. "I just wanted to let everyone know that I have a severe allergy to peanuts and cashews so if I come in contact with either of these I could die. So it would be a good idea if you didn't bring nuts with you to work." Well I guess that means we're not going to be carpooling then are we Suzy? Seriously though Suzy could we ratchet down the drama just one or two notches? You could die? I happen to know a couple of people who have severe nut allergies and last I checked it's not a death sentence. Yes it's serious but it's not cancer. I was so tempted to bring a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to work the next day and then hand it to her and say "So how long do you think you have?" Unfortunately it didn't quite end there. At the end of the week one of our co-workers was going to be leaving for another job and so a group of us were going out for lunch on her last day. At one point we were discussing the possibility of getting together for lunch again in a few weeks with our soon to be former co-worker. Somebody mentioned that there was a really good Japanese restaurant that we should go to. Suzy jumped in and said that she might not be able to eat there if they cooked with nuts. She said that if we gave her the name of the restaurant she could call them and find out if she could eat there. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. In fact why don't you head back to the office now and give them a call so we can finish our lunch in peace? And another thing Peanut Head, nobody cares if you can come to lunch with us! In fact I'm kind of hoping that this restaurant specializes in peanut butter sushi wrapped in cashews.

So I'm not sure how Suzy's going to make out with us. I'm hoping week one isn't an indication of things to come. Otherwise I can see the headline now "Annoying Co-worker Dies in Tragic Peanut Butter Cup Accident".