Curse You Wal-Mart

Ah, Wal-Mart where do I begin? I dream of the day when I never have to darken the doors of your establishment. Why do I dream of such a day? Well there isn’t enough time in the day to fully explain my reasons so I will just hit on the highlights. In many ways I think of myself as an island dweller and Wal-Mart as the mainland. Yes, as much as I enjoy island dwelling there are certain occasions which require me to travel to the mainland. It never fails however that every time I do make a trip to the mainland I remember fondly why I can not seem to get back to my island quickly enough.

A recent trip to Wal-Mart has further cemented my thoughts regarding the subject. Let me tell you what happened. So the main purpose of my trip was to make a copy of a picture. Unfortunately, Wal-Mart was the only place I knew of that had a photo kiosk that I could do this at. So I make my way to the photo lab and there is already somebody occupying the equipment so I get in line to wait my turn. Unfortunately, this lady seems to be printing off every photo she’s ever taken since the beginning of time. While I’m waiting, an elderly couple arrives who also want to use the machine. However, during the course of the time that we are waiting they manage to maneuver themselves in such a way so that when the lady finishes at the kiosk they cut in front of me and take their place at the machine. Obviously I’m annoyed but I figure, I’ll cut them some slack because they’re old and they probably only have a few more days to live so it’s probably more critical that they use the machine as quickly as possible. This was mistake number one. Well, I guess it’s technically #2 since actually coming to Wal-Mart was #1. They’ve got a memory card from their digital camera and they’re trying to download the pictures and print them off. Unfortunately, it seems that they’ve never used a piece of electronic equipment before. How they managed to actually use the digital camera to take the pictures is beyond me. So after about ten minutes they figure out where to insert the memory card. What a relief. Twenty minutes later, they figure out how to look at the pictures. Half an hour later they’ve now printed their first picture. Unfortunately it wasn’t the one they wanted to print. So now it’s going on almost an hour that I’ve been in the Wal-Mart photo lab waiting and I am reminded of why I hate Wal-Mart so much. Reason #1 – All of the most annoying people in society shop at Wal-Mart. This includes the white trash, the inconsiderate, the poorly dressed, the unwashed masses and of course the old people. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t have a problem with all old people. I think Jim Carrey’s character in Dumb & Dumber said it best when he stated that “Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel can still serve a purpose in society.” To prove that I don’t have a problem with old people in general I’ve compiled a list of old people that I don’t have a problem with. They are: a) My grandmother b) Orville Redenbacher c) Colonel Sanders.

Now, to the other group that seems to spend a lot of time shopping at Wal-Mart, the poorly dressed. I guess it’s not surprising that a lot of the people that shop at Wal-Mart are poorly dressed since a lot of their wares are probably purchased there. However, some of the outfits I have witnessed have been downright hideous. For instance, while I was waiting for my turn at the photo kiosk I noticed a woman wearing “stir-up” pants. If you don’t know what stir-up pants are they are pants that come with a stir-up at the bottom of the leg of the pants to keep your pants safely secured to your feet. They were all the rage back in the early 80’s but why somebody in 2006 is walking around with them is beyond me. First of all I never understood the appeal of the stir up pant. Was there a big need to keep our pants secured to our feet? Was there a major fly-away problem I wasn’t aware of? I was actually beside myself when I saw this lady. I mean it has been a while since I’ve seen a pair of those bad boys. I almost stopped her and asked where she had parked the DeLorean because I wanted to check it out before her and Michael J. Fox fired it up and headed back to the 80’s. I digress. So I’m back at the photo kiosk and the old people have finished up and within five minutes I’m done copying the one picture I came to copy. I decide that since I’m already there I should pick up a few essentials. This brings me to why I hate Wal-Mart reason #2. Is it just me or does it seem like there’s very little pride taken in the way that the store is maintained? I realize every Wal-Mart is different but I’ve noticed it at more than a few of them lately. The lighting’s dim in certain areas, some shelves are half full, things are in the wrong place, items are damaged, and the place is generally not that clean. I actually wonder if this is what a Wal-Mart would look like in Beirut? I mean come on, you people are getting paid at least $3 an hour. Would it kill you to pick up a mop or a broom?

I eventually make my way to the check out and then to my car. As I’m driving home I’m filled with a sense of relief that I’ve managed to make it out with my sanity in tact. I’m also relieved to know that I shouldn’t have to return for quite some time, that is unless they keep lowering their prices.