Animal House Junior

I was recently on the campus of my university. Of course I couldn’t resist picking up the most recent edition of the student newspaper. I’m always anxious to see what these future pullitzer prize winners are writing about. As a former staff writer of said newspaper I obviously can’t talk. I will say that for a bunch of engineers we put out a pretty decent paper

Anyway, there was one particular article that caught my attention and instead of just commenting on the article I’m going to reprint it verbatim since I thought it was just too good to summarize. For those who didn’t have the pleasure (or misfortune depending on who you talk to) of attending my university I will preface the article so you have a full appreciation for it.

There is a section of the newspaper devoted to “Greek Life” which is basically an area where the sororities & fraternities on campus can submit articles updating their adoring public on their activities during the term. Each fraternity obviously has their own unique identity. There’s the smart one, the athletic one, the partying one, etc… Then there’s the fraternity for those who want to be in a fraternity but don’t want to be burdened with any sort of social status. I for one hate to generalize or put people into categories but isn’t that what life is all about? Most fraternities invested a lot of time, energy and alcohol into throwing large benders complete with all of the expected hijinks. This fraternity on the other hand threw a semi-annual “LAN Party”. When I first heard about this party during my first year I originally thought that “LAN” was some sort of clever party code. Turned out it actually stood for Local Area Networking and it was a computer gaming party. Anyway, the LAN party tradition lives on and as evidenced by the following article it still seems to be the raging success I remember it to be. Note: I’ve changed the name of the fraternity to protect the guilty.

Got Game?

Delta Tau Chi kicked off the winter term with its semi-annual LAN party. It took place on 1^st Friday night at the Delta Tau Chi house and extended well into the longer than normal weekend. Inclement weather (snow in January? Ridiculous?) did not stop most people from bringing their computer games, showing off their dance moves on the DDR pads, or indulging in some 8-bit classics on the Nintendo. More than thirty 2-litres of pop, brownies, cookies, chips, and burgers fueled these gamers and party goers.

Once the over 15 computers were crammed into the common room, the servers were set up for some rounds of Battlefield 2. After everyone had enough of strategic military combat, we switched to the fast-paced, twitch-reflex Unreal Tournament. Other games played included Sacred Guild Wars, Warcraft III, and Need for Speed: Most Wanted.

Along with the LAN party, Delta Tau Chi has many other events planned for this term. Poker nights are on 3^rd, 5^th, 7^th, and 9^th week Thursdays, and themed movie nights take place on 4^th, 6^th, 8^th and 10^th week Mondays. Swing by to take a break when the term starts getting rough. Check out our winter calendar for other events. Welcome back and have a great school term everyone! - The Brothers of Delta Tau Chi

I Heart Bob Costas

Is there any sporting event better than the Winter Olympics? Don’t bother answering because you won’t be able to convince me that there is. What other event gives you the combination of drama, intrigue, and most importantly the tight speedskating outfits. I know a lot of people have a problem with the tight outfits but in the winter Olympics the tight outfits don’t bother me. The tight outfits during the summer Olympics however make me want to toss my cookies. There’s the speedos that the swimmers wear, the shorty shorts the track & field athletes wear and don’t get me started on those little spandex jumpsuits the rowers wear. I understand that aerodynamics are important but come on where’s the dignity? My favourite event of the winter Olympics is definitely speed skating. I’m sure that the appeal of this sport would be lost if in fact I watched it more than just every four years. I particulary enjoy the short track events because of the crash and bang potential. And don’t even get me started on those Koreans? Where did they learn to skate like that? Who showed them how to make ice? Why are we wasting time trying to ban nuclear weapon production, how about banning whatever it is that they’re eating? Forget about national security, we’ve got national pride to think about.

The other great thing about the Olympics (and this doesn’t just apply to the winter Olympics) is the drama. What’s great about this aspect is that somehow no matter how boring a story could be, the producers at NBC manage to find a way of creating a compelling story out of absolutely nothing. For instance, this evening I was watching a downhill skiing event and of course whenever a non-American is up it’s important not to lose the viewing public’s interest. Everyone knows that rule #1 is that Non-American Athlete = Boring. To keep us interested they breakaway to one of those obligatory profiles of one of the American athletes. This one definitely did not disappoint. It was about one of the American skiers who had fought adversity while growing up on the mean streets of Topeka, Kansas. (I for one had no idea how dangerous south central Topeka can be.) Anyway, as if that weren’t enough his family had recently been struck by tragedy. His mom had suffered an unfortunate fall while leaving their suburban home a few weeks back and so this evening Jimmy was not just competing for himself but for his mother and more importantly for every other kid out there with a clumsy mother.

You know what else I love about NBC”s Olympic coverage? You guessed it, Bob Costas. Let me clarify that in most sport commentating scenarios Bob Costas annoys me to no end, but for some reason Bob covering the Olympics really works for me. I don’t know if it’s the sub-zero temperatures talking but I don’t mind his annoying banter and his unlimited capacity for useless statistics. In fact, I sort of enjoy it. The other thing I’ve noticed is that Bob is ageless. Is it just me or does he not look a day over Calgary 1988? What is your secret Bob? And on an unrelated note could you send me the number of your plastic surgeon immediately?

Curse You Wal-Mart

Ah, Wal-Mart where do I begin? I dream of the day when I never have to darken the doors of your establishment. Why do I dream of such a day? Well there isn’t enough time in the day to fully explain my reasons so I will just hit on the highlights. In many ways I think of myself as an island dweller and Wal-Mart as the mainland. Yes, as much as I enjoy island dwelling there are certain occasions which require me to travel to the mainland. It never fails however that every time I do make a trip to the mainland I remember fondly why I can not seem to get back to my island quickly enough.

A recent trip to Wal-Mart has further cemented my thoughts regarding the subject. Let me tell you what happened. So the main purpose of my trip was to make a copy of a picture. Unfortunately, Wal-Mart was the only place I knew of that had a photo kiosk that I could do this at. So I make my way to the photo lab and there is already somebody occupying the equipment so I get in line to wait my turn. Unfortunately, this lady seems to be printing off every photo she’s ever taken since the beginning of time. While I’m waiting, an elderly couple arrives who also want to use the machine. However, during the course of the time that we are waiting they manage to maneuver themselves in such a way so that when the lady finishes at the kiosk they cut in front of me and take their place at the machine. Obviously I’m annoyed but I figure, I’ll cut them some slack because they’re old and they probably only have a few more days to live so it’s probably more critical that they use the machine as quickly as possible. This was mistake number one. Well, I guess it’s technically #2 since actually coming to Wal-Mart was #1. They’ve got a memory card from their digital camera and they’re trying to download the pictures and print them off. Unfortunately, it seems that they’ve never used a piece of electronic equipment before. How they managed to actually use the digital camera to take the pictures is beyond me. So after about ten minutes they figure out where to insert the memory card. What a relief. Twenty minutes later, they figure out how to look at the pictures. Half an hour later they’ve now printed their first picture. Unfortunately it wasn’t the one they wanted to print. So now it’s going on almost an hour that I’ve been in the Wal-Mart photo lab waiting and I am reminded of why I hate Wal-Mart so much. Reason #1 – All of the most annoying people in society shop at Wal-Mart. This includes the white trash, the inconsiderate, the poorly dressed, the unwashed masses and of course the old people. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t have a problem with all old people. I think Jim Carrey’s character in Dumb & Dumber said it best when he stated that “Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel can still serve a purpose in society.” To prove that I don’t have a problem with old people in general I’ve compiled a list of old people that I don’t have a problem with. They are: a) My grandmother b) Orville Redenbacher c) Colonel Sanders.

Now, to the other group that seems to spend a lot of time shopping at Wal-Mart, the poorly dressed. I guess it’s not surprising that a lot of the people that shop at Wal-Mart are poorly dressed since a lot of their wares are probably purchased there. However, some of the outfits I have witnessed have been downright hideous. For instance, while I was waiting for my turn at the photo kiosk I noticed a woman wearing “stir-up” pants. If you don’t know what stir-up pants are they are pants that come with a stir-up at the bottom of the leg of the pants to keep your pants safely secured to your feet. They were all the rage back in the early 80’s but why somebody in 2006 is walking around with them is beyond me. First of all I never understood the appeal of the stir up pant. Was there a big need to keep our pants secured to our feet? Was there a major fly-away problem I wasn’t aware of? I was actually beside myself when I saw this lady. I mean it has been a while since I’ve seen a pair of those bad boys. I almost stopped her and asked where she had parked the DeLorean because I wanted to check it out before her and Michael J. Fox fired it up and headed back to the 80’s. I digress. So I’m back at the photo kiosk and the old people have finished up and within five minutes I’m done copying the one picture I came to copy. I decide that since I’m already there I should pick up a few essentials. This brings me to why I hate Wal-Mart reason #2. Is it just me or does it seem like there’s very little pride taken in the way that the store is maintained? I realize every Wal-Mart is different but I’ve noticed it at more than a few of them lately. The lighting’s dim in certain areas, some shelves are half full, things are in the wrong place, items are damaged, and the place is generally not that clean. I actually wonder if this is what a Wal-Mart would look like in Beirut? I mean come on, you people are getting paid at least $3 an hour. Would it kill you to pick up a mop or a broom?

I eventually make my way to the check out and then to my car. As I’m driving home I’m filled with a sense of relief that I’ve managed to make it out with my sanity in tact. I’m also relieved to know that I shouldn’t have to return for quite some time, that is unless they keep lowering their prices.

My Playlist

So after my last posting regarding the Grammy’s a lot of people wrote in and asked me to share more of my opinions on music. Okay, nobody wrote in and asked for that. But I have more to say so I figure why should I wait to be asked. As much as I complain about the Grammy's I definitely think that there's a lot of great music out there. I just happen to think it’s rarely found on mainstream radio. This means that finding good music can take a little more effort to find. Since I am continually on the hunt for great music I've decided to pass along some of my findings to you. I’ve created a playlist filled with a sampling of what I’m listening to right now. Some of these songs are old, some are new. Some I’m sure you know and some you may not. I’ve also created an i-mix on i-tunes so if you want to listen to samples of these songs or buy them you can do that. (You will need to have i-tunes installed on your computer to acces it.) - Heather's I-Tunes Playlist

The List

1. Taj Mahal - She Caught the Katy (And Left Me a Mule to Ride)
2. Taj Mahal - Six Days on the Road

Mr. Mahal (yeah it’s actually on his birth certificate) is my most recent discovery. Well I didn’t actually discover him someone actually told me about him. If you haven’t heard of him he’s actually quite a legendary blues guitarist/singer/songwriter. It was hard to pick just two tunes but these two should give you a feel for what he’s all about. The first song I can relate to because that actually happened to me once. Well, without the mule...it was actually a uni-cycle.

3. Phoenix – Everything is Everything
This band is actually French. Yeah, who knew the French were good for anything except annoying accents and delicious pastries. I really like this song – it is tres catchy.

4. Ben Harper & The Innocent Criminals – Burn to Shine
I like the blues/rock feel on this song. It also has one of my favourite lines - “How I miss the good old days but I’m so glad they’re gone.” I’m not sure I agree but boy do I want to.

5. Jack Johnson – Upside Down
So sue me I’m a Jack Johnson fan. Jack gets a bad rap from people but this is definitely my idea of feel good music. It is physically impossible for me to be in a bad mood when this music is playing. This track is his latest and it is an enjoyable one.

6. Teitur – You’re The Ocean
7. Teitur – Shade of the Shadow
There have been a bunch of young male singer/songwriters that have littered the music scene over the last couple of years in the wake of the success of artists like John Mayer and Jason Mraz. Teitur Lassen is one that I really like. He’s only put out one album called “Poetry & Airplanes” a couple of years ago and it pretty much flopped from a sales perspective. I recently discovered it and really like it. These two tracks are definitely worth checking out.

8. Ben Folds – Landed
I’ve always thought that Ben could craft a really great pop song. On his latest record he’s all growns up and I think it’s some of the best stuff he’s written. Like most good Ben Fold’s songs they make me want to learn how to play the piano again. Then I remember my childhood piano teacher and that takes care of that.

9. Whiskeytown - Crazy About You
10. Whiskeytown – Sit & Listen to the Rain
This is my current favourite genre of music. It’s called alt-country also referred to as y’alternative. It’s basically rock with a bit of a country or blues feel to it. Warning: listen to this music at your own risk. You may be filled with a strong desire to move to the deep south after you hear it.

11. Kathleen Edwards - Hockey Skates
The list wouldn't be complete without a great Canadian singer/songwriter. Very few can do melancholly like she does and this song is my favourite of hers.

12. Nick Drake - Northern Sky
Everyone has their own favourite Nick Drake song and this is mine.

13. Iron & Wine - Naked As We Came
This is a bit of a sad song but the good kind of sad.

14. Donovan - Catch the Wind
An oldie but a goodie.

15. Van Morrison - Into the Mystic
It is almost impossible to pick just one Van Morrison song but this is probably my favourite.

16. Deb Talan – Forgiven
I really don’t know anything about this artist except for this one song. It was in one of my favourite movies – “Lovely & Amazing” - and when I first heard it I replayed it about fifty times. I’m not sure what it is but there’s something really simple and touching about it.

17. Stevie Wonder – Positivity
This is my new theme song. I mean if a blind guy can “see” the glass as half full why can’t I?

18. Tracy Chapman – Change
This song would get my vote for song of the year if I had any say. Tracy Chapman is one of the greatest songwriters out there as far as I’m concerned. This song is so great lyrically & musically. This is Tracy at her best and when Tracy’s on her game there’s no one better. Special shout out to my musical sensei (my sister) for introducing me to this one.

I Ain't No Hollaback Girl

Well it’s Grammy time and you know what that means. Yes it means a bunch of mediocre musicians will win a bunch of awards for the unoriginal music they’ve produced for the masses. I love music which you would think would mean I’d love the Grammy’s. But that’s not the case. In fact it’s quite the opposite. The Grammy’s actually bug the crap out of me. Every year it’s the same story. The same lame artists are nominated mixed in with a few legitimate nominees and the results are always disappointing.

This year of course is no different. Let’s start with the record of the year category. To clarify there is a record of the year category and a song of the year category. The record of the year goes to the artist, producer, engineer and basically anyone involved in producing the song. The song of the year is just for the songwriter.

"Record of the Year" nominees:

We Belong Together – Mariah Carey
Boulevard of Broken Dreams – Green Day
Feel Good Inc. – Gorillaz
Hollaback Girl – Gwen Stefani
Gold Digger – Kanye West

Are you kidding me here? You’re trying to tell me that one of these songs was the best song produced all year? I happen to “like” a couple of these songs but none of them would be in the category of “record of the year”. Do you think in twenty years we’re going to be sitting around saying “Wow they sure don’t make songs like “Hollaback Girl” anymore.”

"Album of the Year" nominees:

The Emancipation of Mimi – Mariah Carey
Chaos and Creation in the Backyard – Paul McCartney
Love. Angel. Music. Baby. – Gwen Stefani
How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb – U2
Late Registration – Kanye West

A couple of notes on this category: There are a couple of good records in this category and if it were my choice it would be a tossup between Paul McCartney and Kanye West. On a related note I have a message for Kanye West and Bono since they’re both nominated in this category. First, you’re both very talented but that doesn't mean that I want to hear your opinions on everything under the sun. If you’re lips are moving I just want to hear music coming out of them and not your opinions about George W. Bush or how we all need to be giving more money to fight poverty in Africa. Hey Bono – U2 hasn’t made an album worthy of a Grammy since Achtung Baby so how about instead of arranging your next photo shoot with a world leader or Time magazine you go make some decent music and leave the heavy lifting in the world to people that know what they’re doing. Bottom line - Kanye & Bono please shut it immediately, unless of course you’re making beautiful music.

"Song of the Year" nominees:

Bless the Broken Road – Rascal Flatts
Devils & Dust – Bruce Springsteen
Ordinary People – John Legend
Sometimes You Can’t Make it On Your Own – U2
We Belong Together – Mariah Carey

I think the Grammy’s should just think about officially changing its name to “An Evening with U2”. “Sometimes You Can’t Make It On Your Own” is a nice song but I think they’ve already released this song a few times just with a different name. I know the saying goes “If it ain’t broke…” but you really do need to write a new song at some point.

I will say there is one category that I think is an interesting one and that is the "Best Alternative Album" category.

Funeral – The Arcade Fire
Guero – Beck
Plans – Death Cab For Cutie
You Could Have It So Much Better – Franz Ferdinand
Get Behind Me Satan – The White Stripes

What I like about this cagtegory is that I think both the albums and the artists deserve to be nominated. Of course as a Canadian my bias has to be with The Arcade Fire but either way this will be one category that I think will be interesting.

Sunday Funnies Gone Wrong

If you've been watching the news at all lately you may have seen all of the coverage about the backlash over the Muhammed caricatures published by a Danish newspaper. I think this may be this week's sign that the apocalypse is upon us. I think it's important to stand up for your religious beliefs but when did it become commonplace to blow things up when a cartoon offended us? It makes me wonder what really motivates these types of extremists. It seems like they use their religious beliefs all too frequently to defend actions that seem to be fuelled only by anger, rage and intolerance.

I've included a link to some interesting video and to the cartoons in question.

CNN Video

Cartoons

Brokeback to the Future

Funny trailer. Check it out.

Brokeback to the Future

Technology I Could Live Without

Dear Mr. Bright Idea:

I’m writing to you with regard to your invention - the automatic toilet flush. Let me first say to you congratulations on a great idea. Public restrooms are a cesspool of disease and bacteria and your efforts to reduce my exposure to them is much appreciated. However, I think you may need to go back to the drawing board with this thing. See the main problem with your device is that quite simply, it doesn’t work. Well to be fair I did come across one in the late 80’s that worked okay. Unfortunately since then I’ve found the functioning of your device to be quite inconsistent at best. By inconsistent I mean this thing is like a time bomb. It either goes off before I get to the toilet, while I’m on the toilet, two months later, or (once in a blue moon) when it’s supposed to. Because of this, every time I go into a bathroom stall and see one of these things I’m crippled with fear. In these troubled and uncertain times, the bathroom is the last place I should be feeling this way. You might be wondering why I’m writing to you now after all these years of dissatisfaction with your product. Well, I recently had a rather unfortunate encounter with your device. I will just say that it involved a toilet, my cell phone and your flushing device. The details here aren’t important; but I will say that my cell phone did not make it. What is also important for you to know is that this rather unfortunate series of events could have been prevented if your stupid toilet flush had actually worked when it was supposed to.

So as a concerned consumer I have a few questions for you. First, do you have a quality department where you manufacture these? If not, you should. If you already have one please fire them all immediately because they’re completely incompetent. Also, I’m wondering why these were rushed into production before you actually made sure they worked? What was the rush? This isn’t a cancer vaccine. Take a few extra days and get it right. Lives would not have been lost.

Let me say in closing once again how much I admire you as a visionary. But for the love of God man, fix this thing already before more losses are incurred.

Kind regards,

If It's Not One Thing, It's Your Mother

So I’ve got a couple of friends who are doing what I consider to be one of the scariest things known to mankind. They’re having kids. So it got me thinking about why people have kids. Is it just something everyone thinks they're supposed to be doing? Is anybody out there thinking about the enormous downside? Sure there's the upside and there's no shortage of parents out there saying what an amazing and rewarding experience parenthood can be. I’ve got to be honest though, a small part of me wonders if they’re just telling the rest of us that because misery loves company.

So I decided to go to the person I go to with all of life's big questions. Unfortunately my internet connection was down and I couldn’t get onto Askjeeves.com so I decided to go to the next best thing…my mom. I figured this was a good place to start especially with her being responsible for giving me life and all. So I asked my mom why she decided to have kids. She gave me a simple answer. “I could so I thought I should.” This was followed by “I think therefore I am”. Okay, scratch the second part but I think her quote is just as profound. Sure it wasn’t what I was looking for but it was the truth and I think it’s what a lot of people, if they answered honestly, would come up with. Ultimately, a working set of ovaries isn’t enough reason for me to want to have kids but apparently it was for my mom and for that I am eternally grateful.

So I guess in the grand scheme of things when it comes to parenting, why you do it is far less important than how you do it. So I've put together a brief "How Not To" list for parents based on personal experience and observation which at the very least can serve as a warning to others.

Here goes...

When dropping your children off at school don’t honk the horn and wave as you’re pulling away. First of all, the horn on your car is not a dog whistle. Not only does your child hear it but so does everyone else on the playground and it’s embarrassing. Plus, there’s no reason why you can’t get all of your goodbyes taken care of while in the confines of the vehicle or better yet at home. If your child is smart and decides not to acknowledge the “honk and the wave” don’t be upset; it’s called survival and they will go far in life.

If you have four children and you want to take a road trip…don’t. That is unless you actually have a vehicle with seating for a family of six. There is such a thing as too much family bonding.

If you’re at a grocery store or a mall or some sort of public place and your child has a major temper tantrum do not a) Go about your business & pretend it’s not happening or b) verbally or physically abuse your child into submission. Here is a simple procedure I’ve developed to deal with this very tricky situation: First, leave the scene of the tantrum immediately. It doesn’t matter what you were in the middle of. Drop it and get out of there. You are not going to correct this situation in the middle of a busy grocery store on a Saturday afternoon. You screwed this up long before you got to the grocery store. What you need to do is get your annoying kid out of the store so the rest of us don't have to continue to pay for your mistakes. Once you’ve returned home you need to lock your child up and start putting together a timeline to identify precisely when things went south for you as a parent. Once you’ve identified the root cause of your failure and fixed it, feel free to take little Jimmy with you wherever you go. Until such time though, your little beelzebub needs to stay away from public places.

Please be aware that your wardrobe does have a direct impact on your children's social development. You don't need to be a trendy dresser but if you care about your children you will avoid these items:
For Fathers: speedos, shorty shorts, white sport socks pulled up to your knees with a pair of shorty shorts, leather pants
For Mothers: Short skirts with long jackets, Mom Jeans
Both: Ear muffs, anything with excessive shoulder padding, short pants, tight jeans (they're too tight if people can count the change in your pocket)

If you think that your child has musical talent and you’d like to see them channel that in a productive manner - the accordion is not a good starter instrument. It may in fact sour them to the idea of music entirely and cause them to have dreams about severing their own hands in order to avoid playing another polka when company comes over.

When dropping your child off at university for the first time, don’t let your parting words to them be “You’re never going to make any friends unless you smile more.” Boy was she wrong. Turns out my personality was the problem.

To Make a Short Story Long

I’ve been thinking that there are some everyday sayings that we may need to revisit because they have become completely pointless. The first saying up for nomination is “To Make a Long Story Short….” I recently had someone at work relay a story to me that took them over an hour to tell. Within the span of that one hour he said “to make a long story short” four times. To clarify, there were not multiple stories within stories that he was telling me. There was just one story. As a rule of thumb I am suggesting that if you are telling a story and at some point within a story you realize you’ve said “To Make a long story short” four times, your story is officially no longer short and it’s never going to be. To be fair, I didn’t have a problem with the fact that the story took an hour to tell. What I did have a problem with was the continuing promise of a short story that never materialized. The other reason this saying is pointless is that if you do have a long story that you’re planning on making short, there’s no need to announce it. Just do it and we’ll figure it out.

Another one of my personal favourites is “No offence”. It’s used all too frequently as an attempt to cushion the blow of something that is invariably quite offensive. For example – “No offence but are you partially retarded? No seriously, did your mother drop you on your head as a child?” OR “It’s really not that surprising that you’re single. No offence.”

This isn’t a completely useless saying however. If used prior to an offensive comment it does give the person on the receiving end fair warning of the impending offensive comment which can be slightly helpful. However, I am suggesting a replacement saying that I think is a little more to the point and will still serve the same purpose. Instead of saying “No offence” before we offend someone, I’m suggesting we just say “Attention. I’m about to say something quite hurtful that will probably scar you for life”. This allows the person on the receiving end a bit of a heads up and at the very least affords them the opportunity to make a run for it or club the offending party in the knee, if they so choose.

A couple of other quick ones:

“There are no stupid questions.” Yeah, there are. A stupid person with a lot of stupid questions came up with this saying.

“It’s always the last place you look isn’t it?” Of course it is. Why would I keep looking for something once I’ve found it?

“It’s the thought that counts.” Yeah sorry, wrong again. It’s actually been proven mathematically: Thinking - Action = Useless. I could be wrong. That is if you’ve had any success with this line: “I thought about getting you a trip to Paris for your birthday but I hope you like this paperweight instead.” Let me know how that one works out for you.

Engineers

www.despair.com

How Not to Lose a Friend in 10 Days

So I’ve got this friend (heretofore referred to as “Friend”) & recently I’ve started wondering why we’re friends. I’ve tried every subtle way I could come up with to gracefully ride our friendship off into the sunset or exit our friendship stage left if you will, but thus far have been unsuccessful. I really didn’t envision the process being as difficult as it has been. Ideally, friendships end mutually, or in my case very badly. But what happens when the other person doesn’t get the hint? Of course there are lots of rather unpleasant ways to end a friendship which I will not list here. But I had hoped to do it in a way that was somewhat dignified. This would mean that a lot of the traditional methods ie. lying, stealing, insulting the memory of their favourite childhood pet would not be acceptable. This is where it got tricky.

I started by not returning phone calls but quickly realized that if that was an effective method of ending friendships I would have been friendless years ago. Next step… Use any means necessary to avoid contact or social situations with the individual in question. This would traditionally be a fairly painless process. Unfortunately, “Friend” is a very persistent individual. For example, when a conversation would move towards planning a social encounter I would attempt to apply a very standard avoidance method. Generally a specific day is suggested at which point I would say that I was busy. This would lead to a follow up question as to the details of my activities on that day. It’s easy enough to fill up one day with pretend activities like teeth capping, dog petting, cat walking, etc… But one day of pretend activities wasn’t enough. “Friend” would then suggest another day followed by another, and another until I’ve completely run out of pretend activities as well as dignity. So by this point in the conversation my defenses are down and all of a sudden the idea of getting together doesn’t seem quite as unpleasant as the prospect of continuing the present conversation.

Step three of the friend extrication process is a little more drastic. It involves entering the friend relocation program. This step does require a great deal of commitment as well as a U-Haul. It should only be invoked in extreme cases. Speaking from personal experience this works best if you are willing to move more than three hours away and if the friend in question doesn’t have a car. Ultimately, though I can’t say that this has been an entirely effective option either.

At this point you may be wondering why anyone would want to be my friend this badly. This would ordinarily be a slightly offensive question to ask someone but I realize it’s a fair one when it applies to me. Unfortunately, I’ve yet to come up with an answer. You’re also probably wondering what could be so horrible about this friendship that I feel the need to go to such great lengths to end it. There was no real pivotal “jump the shark” moment per se. I guess I just have a few basic requirements/expectations of those within my social circle that “Friend” has violated.

1. Thou shalt not try to engage in extensive conversations while in the bathroom stall of a public restroom. There is no conversation that is so pressing that it can’t wait until you are outside the confines of the bathroom.
2. Thou shalt not answer cell phone calls while in the middle of a meal at a restaurant. I firmly believe that cell phones are of the devil. We weren’t meant to be in constant contact with our entire circle of friends & family. I mean if grandma’s on her last legs and you’re waiting to hear if they’ve pulled the plug on the life support then by all means take that call. But not every cell phone call needs to be answered. (Then again, if grandma’s on life support why are you out having a leisurely dinner with a friend?)
3. Thou shalt not discuss you & your boyfriend’s sex life with me in great detail. (I think this one’s self explanatory.)
4. Thou shalt not be a bad tipper. If you can’t afford at least 15% then you should be eating in.
5. Thou shalt not kill. (This doesn’t necessarily apply to “Friend” but I just think it’s generally a good rule of thumb.)

I realize that I could be an adult and be honest with “Friend” about the situation but why ruin a good thing. Plus, everyone knows there’s no room for honesty in a good friendship.

There is one sure fire way to end a friendship that I’ve yet to try. That’s because the only truly effective way I’ve come across to end a friendship is to be in someone’s wedding party. It’s not a traditional choice but based on personal experience and observation it is highly effective. Webster actually defines a wedding as “an event aimed at ending friendships, and any fond memories associated with said friendship”. (I’m loosely paraphrasing here but I think you get the point.) Unfortunately, since marriage is involved here, this option does require a bit more commitment than the relocation option and also may require a U-Haul. And since marriage is not something that I would enter into lightly (or at all for that matter), it begs the question “Am I willing to spend a lifetime in a loveless marriage for the sake of ending this friendship?” I guess when I think about it that way maybe this friendship isn’t so bad. Although, if I have to endure one more heart to heart in a bathroom stall, a marriage of convenience may be just what the doctor ordered.