The Shoe Doctor

I made a trip to see my local cobbler this week. I know most people don't use the term cobbler anymore but it really takes me back to the days of yore so I like to use it whenever possible.

I have a lot of respect for a good cobbler. They're a dying breed and now I think I know why. So I found this really great pair of boots last weekend. Finding the perfect pair of boots is a lot like finding a soul mate in that it's difficult to articulate exactly what you're looking for but when it crosses your path you know your life will never be the same. Unfortunately, I don't really believe in soul mates but that doesn't stop me from believing that the perfect pair of boots is out there waiting for me to find them.

So these boots were perfect except for one minor thing - they were knee high boots, and I just wasn't really in the market for knee high boots. Fortunately, I could see past this and knew that these boots, like my future soul mate, would be perfect with just a little bit of tweaking.

I arrived at my cobbler's and explained to him how I wanted to modify the boots from knee high to ankle boots. He gave the boots a once over, took a moment to really absorb the gravity of the situation and after a long pause said in his Italian accent "So these boots are basically no good to you? They're no good to you like this." I wasn't exactly sure if he was asking me or telling me but I responded "Well, I wouldn't exactly say that they're..." He quickly interrupted, "I hope that they were giving these boots away." Unfortunately, I had actually paid a monetary sum for them so I felt like a real idiot at that point. I felt like saying, "Vincenzo, last I checked I was the customer here. The customer who's trying to give you a job to keep you in business which let me tell you is no easy task. Do you realize you're in an almost extinct profession? I singlehandedly keep the town candlestick maker and blacksmith in business so you are messing with the wrong person! The milkman gave me some attitude a while ago and I think we know how that worked out."

Obviously I didn't really tell Vincenzo what I thought. The thing about Vincenzo is that not only is he a master shoe surgeon, he's also an artist. I've come to realize that the more talented the artist the more temperamental they are so it really was a good sign.

I picked my boots up from Vincenzo today and let me tell you he did not disappoint. Judging by his work I'm guessing that all of the time and energy he saves with his lack of decorum is poured into his work. I guess that's the luxury of being talented. People tend to be more willing to overlook your shortcomings if you bring something else of value to the table. Boy can I hardly wait to become talented so I can start walking all over people. I've already got the perfect pair of boots for it.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

So a friend recently relayed a story that I found pretty funny and for some reason it got me thinking. As the story goes, my friend who we'll call "Michelle" was minding her own business while in a local Starbuck's type establishment. As she's sitting there she sees a woman in a wheelchair making her way to the restroom. Being the kind soul that she is she thinks to herself that maybe she should go assist the woman. She makes her way over and opens the door for her and makes sure she gets into the bathroom alright. If you're keeping track at home this would be mistake #1.

As it turns out this woman is paraplegic and she asks my friend if she wouldn't mind helping her get out of her wheelchair and onto the toilet. Here's where things start to get dicey for me. Of course nobody wants to walk away from a paraplegic in need but I think it's asking a lot of a complete stranger to expect them to help you on and off a toilet. Surprisingly unfazed however, Michelle agrees to assist. Now that her new friend is securely mounted on the toilet Michelle assumes that she'll excuse herself and allow the woman to take it from here. Unfortunately, in addition to being a paraplegic this woman also has a fear of abandonment and asks her if she'll just wait until she's done.

At this point in the story I am no longer feeling sympathy for Michelle and wondering how she has allowed things to get this far. As she waits for this self inflicted torture to end she averts her eyes and attempts to make small talk. "So a rabbi and a priest walk into a bar…" Okay, I'm not really sure what they talked about but I’m sure whatever it was would have rated very high on the awkward small talk scale. At some point Michelle hears something fall to the ground. As luck would have it, it was this woman’s diaper which has now gone rogue. Oh wow, that couldn’t be good. Fortunately, our friend’s not quadriplegic and since she’s still got two working limbs I’m sure she should be able to take care of that herself…OR NOT. Personally, at this juncture I think I’d seriously start looking for the hidden camera because there is no way this would really be happening. Fortunately, Michelle’s still nearby and since she seems to have an unending capacity for performing really unsavory tasks she’s more than willing to assist with the diaper retrieval. (I’m currently making a mental note to add Michelle to my Christmas card list as she will obviously be a very useful person to have around in my old age. I’m now making a second mental note to actually start a Christmas card list.) So I'm going to spare the nitty gritty of the rest of this exchange because as you can imagine assisting a stranger with their diaper retrieval and toilet dismount is not a pleasant experience and truthfully I'm not so sure I want to relive it.

This story did get me thinking though. It got me thinking about how something like this would never happen to me. It's not because I'm not a kind person because I do think that I actually am. Then again maybe that's like how everybody thinks they’re a good driver? I guess I just don't really look for or invite opportunities to help strangers into my life. Sure if someone asks for help I'm more than happy to help and I think about helping people all the time. I sometimes see strangers walking down the street and think to myself "Wow, I wish I could help them. They look like they could use it." In the end though I spend a lot of time worrying that I might be intruding. After all, the last thing I'd want to do is offend someone by presuming that they need my help. In order for me to help someone I like to be sure of the need either by way of an engraved invitation or an excessive amount of blood or carnage. Unfortunately this means that sometimes I'm a day late and a dollar short. Michelle on the other hand didn't wait to be asked to help. Sure this might mean she’ll end up handling a few adult diapers before all is said and done but she ended up doing a good thing and got a good story out of it which of course makes just about anything worthwhile.

Pony Rides at 4:00

Email is a very powerful tool. I'm not sure who invented it which is kind of surprising don't you think? It seems like that kind of invention would make you pretty famous. My sister insists it's this guy she plays tennis with but I've yet to verify that. Either way it's a very useful tool and it's kind of hard to think about how much it's changed how we communicate. As of late I've been realizing how dangerous this tool can be especially in the work environment. No other tool gives everyone endless opportunities to make complete idiots of themselves.

First let me begin by discussing the annoying and inappropriate use of the "reply to all" button. This button is a very powerful one and one that should be used judiciously. I honestly think that anytime you hit the "reply to all" button there should be a secondary warning like "Are you sure you want to reply to ALL?" The problem is that there seems to be a group of very clueless individuals who can't seem to find the simple "reply" button. Like when an email goes out to all employees announcing something like "There will be a quarterly business update next Wednesday at 1:00 PM" and invariably one or more peons reply to all with some sort of useless message like "Thanks Jim see you at 1:00". Seriously, Jim doesn't care and I care even less than Jim so quit cluttering my inbox and get back to work. Another example of the inappropriate use of the "reply to all" button happened a while ago when I invited a bunch of people from work over to my place for a get together. I invited about 25 or so people via email. In the email I gave details about date and time and other relevant information. I sarcastically mentioned that the event would "kick off around 4:00PM with pony rides and a marching band". A number of people replied to me individually but one unfortunate soul replied to all and said "Oh, pony rides - sounds like fun! Can I be the first in line? See everyone Saturday!" Needless to say I instantly remembered why she annoyed me and why I didn't want to invite her in the first place. I didn't reply to her email since I didn't think there was much point. One of my colleagues however wasn't able to resist and replied "Yes, you can be first in line. Sincerely, Pony."

The other thing I don't get about email at work are the people that use it to write personal things that quite frankly I wouldn't want to keep a record of. For example, a co-worker of mine who I will refer to as "Jane" forwarded some emails to another colleague we'll call "Sandra". The emails were related to a project the two of them were working on. However, after sending Sandra all of the related emails Jane realized that she had forwarded her one too many. After Jane realized this she quickly emailed Sandra and asked her to delete the last email she had sent her and asked her not to read it. Of course that sort of sounded like an invitation to Sandra so she immediately opened the email to find out what the fuss was about. What she found was a rather suggestive email from a male co-worker of ours named "John" . The email detailed their plans to meet up that weekend and how he doesn't know if he can wait until Saturday to see her and included some rather vivid descriptors of what he had planned for their time together. He also mentioned that he wasn't sure if he could stay long on Sunday since it was Father's Day. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that he's married. To be fair though, he seems to have his priorities in order. What makes the story even more painful/hilarious is that as soon as Sandra read this email she forwarded it to ten or more of her nearest and dearest co-workers. So within a few hours pretty much everyone knew about this rendezvous on the weekend. To make matters worse the next day at lunch with all of the key players in attendance one of the guys who received a copy of this email begins the lunch hour conversation by asking "So anyone have any exciting plans for the weekend?"

The Melvin Model

So yesterday at work I was sitting in a meeting. It was the kind of meeting that made me recall the "inspirational" poster that says "Meetings: None of us is as dumb as all of us." I've always wanted to buy that poster and put it up in my office. It would be right next to the one that says "Leaders are like eagles. We don't have either of them here." For some reason those slogans never get old. Anyway, I'm in this meeting trying to think of amusing ways to pass the time. My boss is droning on about a problem in our department. The funny thing about this problem is that I remember when I first started this job about a year and a half ago I sat in a meeting during my first week and this very same issue was discussed. In fact I think it was the exact same discussion except now I throw in my two cents. The problem is that we sit around and everybody vents, throws out opinions and suggestions but we never really come to any clear consensus. So as per usual I am attempting to ensure that I'm engaged enough in the discussion to avoid having the conversation turn my way without me having any clue about what's being discussed. After the first ten times that happens in a week it starts to get embarrassing. So I throw in a few insightful comments to which my boss replies "Well, yes we probably could go that route and I believe that is what the Melvin Model suggests." Then his boss pipes up and says "Well, I think what the Melvin model is really getting at is....." So at this point I'm wondering two things: 1. Could I convincingly fake a heart attack in order to get out of this meeting? and 2. What the hell's bells is the "Melvin Model"? I like to think that I'm fairly up to date on management models and theories but I've never heard of what seems to be a very relevant and popular theory. Finally after the fifth mention of the Melvin Model I asked my boss what the Melvin Model was? He explained "Melvin is the management systems expert at one of our other facilities. He was here last week and had some suggestions for us on some of the issues we're having so that's what we're referring to." So his suggestions are now called "The Melvin Model"? Are you kidding me? Well I guess it doesn't take much to become a legend around these parts? That's reassuring I guess. On an unrelated side note I'm suggesting we have assigned stalls in the bathroom. Can we call this the "Heather Model"? For some reason I seem to be the only person who finds this whole name your own model thing a bit humourous. So I decided t o have some fun with it. Today we're sitting in another meeting discussing something totally unrelated to the legendary "Melvin Model" and anytime I'm asked a question I suggest that we refer to the Melvin Model for direction. Most of the people in the meeting have no idea about the Melvin model but there's one guy who was in yesterday's meeting and finally after the fourth time I mention the Melvin model he gets annoyed and says "You know what you can do with the Melvin model?....." In the interest of keeping this blog PG rated I'll refrain from telling you what he said. Needless to say it was pretty funny. Poor Melvin though...it wasn't a very nice place he was suggesting I put it. I knew there was still more to be done with this and so throughout the day as people came to me with problems or questions I suggested they refer to the Melvin model. This was where the greatest power of the Melvin model was. That's because nobody knows what the Melvin Model is but they think they should know so they don't ask anymore questions they just leave you alone and go look for their answer somewhere else. I'm telling you it's a very powerful tool. In fact I'm thinking about taking the Melvin Model global. Who's with me?

I Think I Might Be Allergic To You

I think I might be allergic to people. The truth is that I actually like people very much just not annoying people. The problem is that there seems to be an extremely high concentration of annoying people everywhere I go. Which also explains why I don't go many places. Unfortunately the one place I have to go is work and co-workers are like family in that you don't really have much choice in who they are. Over the last year our department has had so much turnover I decided to start calling people by generic names in order to avoid using up valuable memory space and brain power by learning people's names that weren't going to be around long anyway. So my male colleagues can expect to be called either Bob, Jim or Rajimder and female colleagues go by Susy, Jane or Hildegard. At first people thought I was just trying to be funny by calling people by random names but it's going on six months and I think they're kind of getting into it. In fact, the other day Rajimder emailed me a list of possible alternative names he'd like me to start calling him. It seems as though he wasn't so fond of the one I came up with for him. I explained to him that I understand where he's coming from but it's high time we stopped just talking about diversity and started really living it. Raj still wasn't convinced so finally I just said "listen Sven (that's his real name) I know it's not easy to be a convincing Raj when you're as white as you are but I don't look anything like a Heather so get over it! We all have our crosses to bear!"

So anyway, to make matters worse a new woman started in our department this week. Dealing with new people is always challenging for me. I believe there are basically two types of new people. The first comes in and is able to easily blend into the background. They speak only when spoken to, they don't rock the boat they just sort of quietly go about their business for a while until we forget that they're new and then they can start to have opinions and join in on our conversations. The other type is the person who feels the need to share their opinions on everything and invites themselves into conversations they aren't supposed to be a part of. My newest coworker would fall into the latter category. So on her first day I happenned to bake some cookies and bring them into work. I was talking to one of my coworkers when new girl heretofore known as Suzy came by and interjected herself into our conversation. I mentioned to Suzy that I had brought in some cookies and she was more than welcome to help herself. Suzy then asked "are there any nuts in them?" I told her that there were almonds in them at which point she informed me that she was allergic to nuts so she wouldn't be able to try them. I then asked "So you're allergic to ALL nuts?" "Well", Suzy replied, "not all nuts I'm just deathly allergic to peanuts and cashews I just don't like nuts in general." So why did you say you were allergic to nuts when you really just meant that you're allergic to cookies you don't think you'll like? Truthfully, I couldn't care less if Suzy tried one of my cookies. I happenned to spend months researching and testing multiple recipes and if she doesn't want to try the world's greatest cookie then it's no skin off my teeth. This was the first indication that my newest colleague was going to be a handful. The next day we had our weekly department meeting. This was Suzy's first meeting with our group and at the end of each meeting we go around the table and if anyone has anything that needs to be discussed that wasn't brought up at the meeting this is their opportunity to speak up. Most of the time it's pretty uneventful but this time Suzy had something to say. "I just wanted to let everyone know that I have a severe allergy to peanuts and cashews so if I come in contact with either of these I could die. So it would be a good idea if you didn't bring nuts with you to work." Well I guess that means we're not going to be carpooling then are we Suzy? Seriously though Suzy could we ratchet down the drama just one or two notches? You could die? I happen to know a couple of people who have severe nut allergies and last I checked it's not a death sentence. Yes it's serious but it's not cancer. I was so tempted to bring a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to work the next day and then hand it to her and say "So how long do you think you have?" Unfortunately it didn't quite end there. At the end of the week one of our co-workers was going to be leaving for another job and so a group of us were going out for lunch on her last day. At one point we were discussing the possibility of getting together for lunch again in a few weeks with our soon to be former co-worker. Somebody mentioned that there was a really good Japanese restaurant that we should go to. Suzy jumped in and said that she might not be able to eat there if they cooked with nuts. She said that if we gave her the name of the restaurant she could call them and find out if she could eat there. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. In fact why don't you head back to the office now and give them a call so we can finish our lunch in peace? And another thing Peanut Head, nobody cares if you can come to lunch with us! In fact I'm kind of hoping that this restaurant specializes in peanut butter sushi wrapped in cashews.

So I'm not sure how Suzy's going to make out with us. I'm hoping week one isn't an indication of things to come. Otherwise I can see the headline now "Annoying Co-worker Dies in Tragic Peanut Butter Cup Accident".