I am calling for an end to commercial air travel as we know it. I’ve never particularly enjoyed flying but I just took my first trans-atlantic flight (yeah I don’t get out much) which really solidified my thoughts on the need for reform.
A couple of quick suggestions for the airlines which I believe would go along way to not only improving the air travel experience but may also play a significant role in moving us closer to world peace.
1. When assigning seats to passengers could you also assign arm rests?
2. Do not announce over the loud speakers what is going on up in business class. The herded cattle back here in "hospitality" service don’t want to know. I thought that's what the curtain was there for? You know that whole "ignorance is bliss" thing. Here’s an example of what not so say based on my recent experience: “For our passengers in hospitality service the entertainment will begin shortly and the first movie being shown is “Aeon Flux” which by the way was recently nominated for worst movie of the year. For our passengers in business class your personal movie selections will be available shortly. Also for our passengers in business class our on board masseuse will be by momentarily followed by your personal chef who will be preparing your meal. For those in hospitality service, all of the food that falls on the floor in business class will be salvaged and served to you later in the flight. Thanks and enjoy your flight."
Now a few Do's and Don’ts for my fellow passengers:
Marinate yourself in any of the following spices prior to flying: Curry powder, cumin or garlic. Although all quite delicious when prepared properly they are also quite pungent when combined with body odour and confined spaces.
Remove your shoes and rest your feet underneath the seat in front of ME. If you don’t have enough room underneath the seat in front of you, guess what, neither do I!
Travel with an infant that cries non-stop unless you have had them fitted with a muzzle and are prepared to use it.
Expect to store more than one carry on bag in the overhead compartment. If you have chosen to bring five pieces of “carry-on” baggage on board I sure hope that at least four of them are going to detonate before take-off because there is not an infinite amount of overhead storage space available. I don’t think it’s fair that I have to store my ONE carry on bag under my seat while you have five of them stored away.
Use deodorant prior to boarding the plane. However if for some reason there are extenuating circumstance which prevent you from using deodorant, do not sit with your arms behind your head while seated next to someone who has a working nose.
3 comments:
Hello to Miss Heather the Canadian Complaining Woman:
Please refrain from your conceited cultural remarks; only Americans are allowed to do that to us. Otherwise, all human beings are equal.
As Sikhs, we are required to not cut our hair and to not bathe except before battle (hence our required ceremonial daggers.)
Also, airplanes are the only places, albeit close to the Gurdwara that we have a chance to stretch out our feet and air out the ol' pits.
What are you a Jainist or something?
I would like to add a few comments about the Sikh people as well.
First, we use our stench as a natural form of cyanide. In case we are captured in the midst of Jihad, we can bury our nose in our pits and kill ourselves.
Second, we are planning to release a stench bomb in a major US city. Thus, Americans will smell like Sikhs.
Listen for our battle cry:
O, smelly Sikh
O, smelly Sikh
O, how I love to smell the.
We white folks do indulge in the most obnoxious humor from time to time.
As a doctor, I have treated many Sikh patients (with turbans) and they did not smell any worse than my white patients.
I wonder how we would feel if the richest and most powerful race on earth were brown and treated us with the same disdain as we treat others.
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