If It's Not One Thing, It's Your Mother

So I’ve got a couple of friends who are doing what I consider to be one of the scariest things known to mankind. They’re having kids. So it got me thinking about why people have kids. Is it just something everyone thinks they're supposed to be doing? Is anybody out there thinking about the enormous downside? Sure there's the upside and there's no shortage of parents out there saying what an amazing and rewarding experience parenthood can be. I’ve got to be honest though, a small part of me wonders if they’re just telling the rest of us that because misery loves company.

So I decided to go to the person I go to with all of life's big questions. Unfortunately my internet connection was down and I couldn’t get onto Askjeeves.com so I decided to go to the next best thing…my mom. I figured this was a good place to start especially with her being responsible for giving me life and all. So I asked my mom why she decided to have kids. She gave me a simple answer. “I could so I thought I should.” This was followed by “I think therefore I am”. Okay, scratch the second part but I think her quote is just as profound. Sure it wasn’t what I was looking for but it was the truth and I think it’s what a lot of people, if they answered honestly, would come up with. Ultimately, a working set of ovaries isn’t enough reason for me to want to have kids but apparently it was for my mom and for that I am eternally grateful.

So I guess in the grand scheme of things when it comes to parenting, why you do it is far less important than how you do it. So I've put together a brief "How Not To" list for parents based on personal experience and observation which at the very least can serve as a warning to others.

Here goes...

When dropping your children off at school don’t honk the horn and wave as you’re pulling away. First of all, the horn on your car is not a dog whistle. Not only does your child hear it but so does everyone else on the playground and it’s embarrassing. Plus, there’s no reason why you can’t get all of your goodbyes taken care of while in the confines of the vehicle or better yet at home. If your child is smart and decides not to acknowledge the “honk and the wave” don’t be upset; it’s called survival and they will go far in life.

If you have four children and you want to take a road trip…don’t. That is unless you actually have a vehicle with seating for a family of six. There is such a thing as too much family bonding.

If you’re at a grocery store or a mall or some sort of public place and your child has a major temper tantrum do not a) Go about your business & pretend it’s not happening or b) verbally or physically abuse your child into submission. Here is a simple procedure I’ve developed to deal with this very tricky situation: First, leave the scene of the tantrum immediately. It doesn’t matter what you were in the middle of. Drop it and get out of there. You are not going to correct this situation in the middle of a busy grocery store on a Saturday afternoon. You screwed this up long before you got to the grocery store. What you need to do is get your annoying kid out of the store so the rest of us don't have to continue to pay for your mistakes. Once you’ve returned home you need to lock your child up and start putting together a timeline to identify precisely when things went south for you as a parent. Once you’ve identified the root cause of your failure and fixed it, feel free to take little Jimmy with you wherever you go. Until such time though, your little beelzebub needs to stay away from public places.

Please be aware that your wardrobe does have a direct impact on your children's social development. You don't need to be a trendy dresser but if you care about your children you will avoid these items:
For Fathers: speedos, shorty shorts, white sport socks pulled up to your knees with a pair of shorty shorts, leather pants
For Mothers: Short skirts with long jackets, Mom Jeans
Both: Ear muffs, anything with excessive shoulder padding, short pants, tight jeans (they're too tight if people can count the change in your pocket)

If you think that your child has musical talent and you’d like to see them channel that in a productive manner - the accordion is not a good starter instrument. It may in fact sour them to the idea of music entirely and cause them to have dreams about severing their own hands in order to avoid playing another polka when company comes over.

When dropping your child off at university for the first time, don’t let your parting words to them be “You’re never going to make any friends unless you smile more.” Boy was she wrong. Turns out my personality was the problem.