How Not to Lose a Friend in 10 Days

So I’ve got this friend (heretofore referred to as “Friend”) & recently I’ve started wondering why we’re friends. I’ve tried every subtle way I could come up with to gracefully ride our friendship off into the sunset or exit our friendship stage left if you will, but thus far have been unsuccessful. I really didn’t envision the process being as difficult as it has been. Ideally, friendships end mutually, or in my case very badly. But what happens when the other person doesn’t get the hint? Of course there are lots of rather unpleasant ways to end a friendship which I will not list here. But I had hoped to do it in a way that was somewhat dignified. This would mean that a lot of the traditional methods ie. lying, stealing, insulting the memory of their favourite childhood pet would not be acceptable. This is where it got tricky.

I started by not returning phone calls but quickly realized that if that was an effective method of ending friendships I would have been friendless years ago. Next step… Use any means necessary to avoid contact or social situations with the individual in question. This would traditionally be a fairly painless process. Unfortunately, “Friend” is a very persistent individual. For example, when a conversation would move towards planning a social encounter I would attempt to apply a very standard avoidance method. Generally a specific day is suggested at which point I would say that I was busy. This would lead to a follow up question as to the details of my activities on that day. It’s easy enough to fill up one day with pretend activities like teeth capping, dog petting, cat walking, etc… But one day of pretend activities wasn’t enough. “Friend” would then suggest another day followed by another, and another until I’ve completely run out of pretend activities as well as dignity. So by this point in the conversation my defenses are down and all of a sudden the idea of getting together doesn’t seem quite as unpleasant as the prospect of continuing the present conversation.

Step three of the friend extrication process is a little more drastic. It involves entering the friend relocation program. This step does require a great deal of commitment as well as a U-Haul. It should only be invoked in extreme cases. Speaking from personal experience this works best if you are willing to move more than three hours away and if the friend in question doesn’t have a car. Ultimately, though I can’t say that this has been an entirely effective option either.

At this point you may be wondering why anyone would want to be my friend this badly. This would ordinarily be a slightly offensive question to ask someone but I realize it’s a fair one when it applies to me. Unfortunately, I’ve yet to come up with an answer. You’re also probably wondering what could be so horrible about this friendship that I feel the need to go to such great lengths to end it. There was no real pivotal “jump the shark” moment per se. I guess I just have a few basic requirements/expectations of those within my social circle that “Friend” has violated.

1. Thou shalt not try to engage in extensive conversations while in the bathroom stall of a public restroom. There is no conversation that is so pressing that it can’t wait until you are outside the confines of the bathroom.
2. Thou shalt not answer cell phone calls while in the middle of a meal at a restaurant. I firmly believe that cell phones are of the devil. We weren’t meant to be in constant contact with our entire circle of friends & family. I mean if grandma’s on her last legs and you’re waiting to hear if they’ve pulled the plug on the life support then by all means take that call. But not every cell phone call needs to be answered. (Then again, if grandma’s on life support why are you out having a leisurely dinner with a friend?)
3. Thou shalt not discuss you & your boyfriend’s sex life with me in great detail. (I think this one’s self explanatory.)
4. Thou shalt not be a bad tipper. If you can’t afford at least 15% then you should be eating in.
5. Thou shalt not kill. (This doesn’t necessarily apply to “Friend” but I just think it’s generally a good rule of thumb.)

I realize that I could be an adult and be honest with “Friend” about the situation but why ruin a good thing. Plus, everyone knows there’s no room for honesty in a good friendship.

There is one sure fire way to end a friendship that I’ve yet to try. That’s because the only truly effective way I’ve come across to end a friendship is to be in someone’s wedding party. It’s not a traditional choice but based on personal experience and observation it is highly effective. Webster actually defines a wedding as “an event aimed at ending friendships, and any fond memories associated with said friendship”. (I’m loosely paraphrasing here but I think you get the point.) Unfortunately, since marriage is involved here, this option does require a bit more commitment than the relocation option and also may require a U-Haul. And since marriage is not something that I would enter into lightly (or at all for that matter), it begs the question “Am I willing to spend a lifetime in a loveless marriage for the sake of ending this friendship?” I guess when I think about it that way maybe this friendship isn’t so bad. Although, if I have to endure one more heart to heart in a bathroom stall, a marriage of convenience may be just what the doctor ordered.