I was at my parent's over Easter weekend spending quality time with my family and celebrating the resurrection of our Lord. I like Easter and all but I was thinking that people go on and on about how Christmas has become sooo commercial and everybody's forgotten the real meaning but as far as I can tell Easter's the religious holiday that's totally gone off the rails. I was killing time on Easter Sunday while the rest of my family was at church and as I sat there in my easter bunny costume eating copious amounts of chocolate I became completely outraged at where things have headed.
However, my main problem with Easter is figuring out how to properly navigate the rocky waters of my mother's preparations for Easter dinner. You see, my mother runs her kitchen a lot like a communist work camp except with less fun and interaction. There are only two rules in my mother's kitchen: Rule #1: My mother is always right. Rule #2: When in doubt, refer to Rule #1. These rules have become increasingly problematic for me over the years since I like to cook and every once in a while I actually have an idea that might be slightly different then my mom's and, well, this ain't no democracy. So as my mother was leaving for church on Easter Sunday she gave me strict (the only kind she knows) orders as to what I was supposed to do while she was gone. I was to make the sweet potato casserole, put the stuffing in the oven at 12:00 and turn the potatoes on at 12:30. Timing was critical as any slight variation from the timeline would put the entire Easter dinner and potentially the resurrection in jeopardy. As she was giving me these instructions I noticed that there was also a pot of turkey bones and innerds that were simmering in water on the stove and so I asked what I was supposed to do with that and she told me to do nothing. Great that's my specialty. Definitely can't screw that up...or so I thought.
So like the dutiful daughter that I am (at all major holidays) I went about my business of toasting pecans, mashing sweet potatoes, putting stuffing in the oven and was pretty much on schedule when "go time" arrived. I always get about a two minute warning of when my parents will be coming in the door because they an electric garage door opener which they will activate from their car just before they pull in the driveway. It's a pretty noticeable sound and since its installation back in the mid to late eighties it has served a purpose similar to the air raid warning sirens used during the world wars. Over the year's, my siblings and I have relied heavily on this warning system to provide us with a couple of minutes to either hide or end whatever completely unproductive activities or inactivities we had been heavily engaged in since my parent's departure. It is so ingrained in me that to this day when I'm at my parent's house and I hear that noise, no matter what I'm doing at that moment, I am overcome with the undeniable urge to stop it immediately and begin vacuuming the floor or washing dishes because those are pretty much the only acceptable activities for my mom to "discover" us doing.
My parents arrived home at the expected time and I felt like I had thing pretty much under control. When my mom arrives home I can usually get a read on her mood within 10-20 seconds just based on body language. The initial assessment as she walked in the door did not look good. My mom made her way to the kitchen to survey the carnage (ie. my handiwork) and the barrage of questions began. "Is the stuffing in the oven? Did you finish making the sweet potatoes? Why didn't you add more water to this pot? It's almost dry!" I thought to myself, "Do you mean the pot with two inches of liquid in it that you specifically told me to do nothing with? Sorry, my bad."
As is the trend with these big family dinners everything came together in the end despite my best efforts to help/totally screw things up. I know that they say that nothing worth having come without a struggle but I just didn't think that meant dinner on Easter Sunday. Ah well, it's nothing that can't be solved with some more chocolate and quality time in my easter bunny costume.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Monday, March 24, 2008
Where Everybody Knows Your Name
I've sort of accepted the fact that I'm not one of those people that leaves a real lasting impression on people when I meet them for the first time. Based on my own unscientific observation, there are two basic ways to ensure leaving an impression. The first is to have something striking about your physical appearance which could be in the form of an extremely unsightly deformity or more preferably stunning good looks. The other way is to have a magnetic personality. Unfortunately I don't have a magnetic personality or stunning good looks and I haven't been lucky enough to be severely mangled in a tragic windmill accident so I just do the best I can with the oodles and oodles of inner beauty I've been blessed with. Thanks again mom. Neither time nor a malfunctioning windmill can take that away from me.
There's a market near where I work and at this market there is a frozen yogurt stand. I am a big fan of frozen yogurt, specifically the type where you pick the fruit and they mix it with the bars of yogurt. It's heaven in a cup...or cone if you prefer. So anyway, I frequent this yogurt stand about once a week. Nine times out of ten I get the same thing which is a strawberry banana yogurt. So today I wandered over there at lunch for my usual fix and I got to the counter and the owner (who's the only one who ever serves me) greeted me and we exchanged our usual pleasantries and then he said "What can I get you?" I saddled up a little closer to the counter, gave him a knowing glance and said, "I'll have the usual". I know it was brazen and it was bold and maybe my mind was clouded with memories of Cheers reruns but I've always wanted to do that and I figured we had established the kind of rapport and history (ie. 8-10 months of me frequenting his business and ordering the same thing every time) that it was time for us to take our relationship to the next level. Not unlike most of my attempts to take relationships to the next level this one went over like a pancake which is to say it fell flat. He responded to my request with a blank and slightly frightened look followed by an awkward pause and then he said "Um, I'm sorry, I don't know what that is."
Although slightly disappointed, I wasn't really surprised that he didn't know what "the usual" was and he did seem genuinely disappointed not to be able to play along. I was reflecting on the events afterwards and thinking that there had to be a way to kick "Operation: I'll Have The Usual" into high gear...without a windmill. My first idea was to show up at the frozen yogurt stand in a slinky low cut number. That would probably guarantee me some level of notoriety. Although frightening the guy (and any small children present) may not be my best option. Plus, he might get the wrong idea and "the usual" could end up being something other than a strawberry banana yogurt. I guess a little bit of anonymity isn't so bad when I think of it that way.
There's a market near where I work and at this market there is a frozen yogurt stand. I am a big fan of frozen yogurt, specifically the type where you pick the fruit and they mix it with the bars of yogurt. It's heaven in a cup...or cone if you prefer. So anyway, I frequent this yogurt stand about once a week. Nine times out of ten I get the same thing which is a strawberry banana yogurt. So today I wandered over there at lunch for my usual fix and I got to the counter and the owner (who's the only one who ever serves me) greeted me and we exchanged our usual pleasantries and then he said "What can I get you?" I saddled up a little closer to the counter, gave him a knowing glance and said, "I'll have the usual". I know it was brazen and it was bold and maybe my mind was clouded with memories of Cheers reruns but I've always wanted to do that and I figured we had established the kind of rapport and history (ie. 8-10 months of me frequenting his business and ordering the same thing every time) that it was time for us to take our relationship to the next level. Not unlike most of my attempts to take relationships to the next level this one went over like a pancake which is to say it fell flat. He responded to my request with a blank and slightly frightened look followed by an awkward pause and then he said "Um, I'm sorry, I don't know what that is."
Although slightly disappointed, I wasn't really surprised that he didn't know what "the usual" was and he did seem genuinely disappointed not to be able to play along. I was reflecting on the events afterwards and thinking that there had to be a way to kick "Operation: I'll Have The Usual" into high gear...without a windmill. My first idea was to show up at the frozen yogurt stand in a slinky low cut number. That would probably guarantee me some level of notoriety. Although frightening the guy (and any small children present) may not be my best option. Plus, he might get the wrong idea and "the usual" could end up being something other than a strawberry banana yogurt. I guess a little bit of anonymity isn't so bad when I think of it that way.
Thursday, March 06, 2008
The Winter of My Discontent
Dear Old Man Winter:
First let me say that I'm a big fan of your work but I'm going to have to ask you to hit the bricks already. Yeah, like today if that's possible. Don't get me wrong, there are days that I really love you. Like that one day back in 1985 when I got a day off from school and I built a snow fort that made the Alamo look like a frigging joke. The problem is, we're going on five months now which means that my patience as well as salt supply is running thin. More to the point, it's March and I just don't take too kindly to enduring numbingly frigid temperatures and Doppler 9000 winter storm warnings around the clock. You've outstayed your welcome and I for one am saying enough is enough.
What do I plan to do about this you ask? Please, isn't it obvious? "Ask, believe, receive.....ask, believe, receive...ask, believe, receive." Yeah that's right, I'm going to send you back to the cold and desolate hole you crawled out of using the sheer force of my will via the principles of "The Secret". Shhhh, don't tell anyone. Trust me buddy, you're no match for the law of attraction. How do I know? Well, just the other day I asked, believed and received for a totally unproductive day at work and wouldn't you know it that's exactly what materialized. And I'm not talking about your run of the mill lack of productivity, we're talking record breaking levels of being unproductive. In fact, the principles of the Secret are so powerful that it's going on about 7 days straight. That may have something to do with the fact that I haven't yet asked, believed or received for a return to productivity but that's neither here nor there right now.
Listen, I'm gonna level with you. This whole thing just boiled to the surface yesterday. See, I drove about an hour and a half out of town to go to a concert on Tuesday night. A concert that I had been looking forward to for months. So despite the Doppler 9000 predictions of a big winter storm, I hit the open road with the unwavering optimism that has become my trademark. The drive there was fine, the concert amazing but things kind of got dicey from there. While at the concert, approximately two feet of snow fell and as we left the concert the skies opened up and began raining down ice pellets to the point where we could barely walk down the street without getting chunks of ice lodged in our faces. Let's just say it wasn't your best work. Obviously the road conditions were treacherous to say the least. With the sound of my mother's voice in my head, I decided to stay overnight with a friend to avoid risking life and limb. The conditions were so bad that I probably should have phoned into work the next day and said "See ya tomorrow suckers.....if you're lucky!" (which FYI is my traditional greeting when informing my boss I won't be in for the day). The problem was that there was too much going on at work that day for me to phone in and I knew I had to be there. Ordinarily I'm a big fan of phoning it in when it comes to work but I'm a lot better at doing it in the figurative sense as opposed to the literal one. I guess I have my parents to blame for that. Not for the fact that I phone it in on occasion at work but for the fact that I rarely miss work. They instilled in us the importance of showing up to school or work no matter the possible (and often likely) risks we posed to ourselves and those around us. Like that time in the second grade when I was up for the perfect attendance award so they sent me to school with the chicken pox and I ended up infecting half of the school. Yeah, I wasn't so popular after that...but come to think of it I wasn't so popular before that either...but I digress. You might have seen the movie that was based loosely on my experience? It starred Morgan Freeman and was called "Outbreak". Listen, all's I'm saying is that if two feet of snow, a plague like downpour of ice pellets and a two hour drive that takes five can't get a sister a day off from work then it just seems a bit pointless to me.
Here's the deal - I'm not unreasonable so I'd like to think we can come to some sort of an agreement before things get out of hand. Here are your options: If you get me a day off work within the next week I'll call the whole thing off. If not, you leave me no choice but to open up a can of "The Secret" on you and you do that at your peril.
First let me say that I'm a big fan of your work but I'm going to have to ask you to hit the bricks already. Yeah, like today if that's possible. Don't get me wrong, there are days that I really love you. Like that one day back in 1985 when I got a day off from school and I built a snow fort that made the Alamo look like a frigging joke. The problem is, we're going on five months now which means that my patience as well as salt supply is running thin. More to the point, it's March and I just don't take too kindly to enduring numbingly frigid temperatures and Doppler 9000 winter storm warnings around the clock. You've outstayed your welcome and I for one am saying enough is enough.
What do I plan to do about this you ask? Please, isn't it obvious? "Ask, believe, receive.....ask, believe, receive...ask, believe, receive." Yeah that's right, I'm going to send you back to the cold and desolate hole you crawled out of using the sheer force of my will via the principles of "The Secret". Shhhh, don't tell anyone. Trust me buddy, you're no match for the law of attraction. How do I know? Well, just the other day I asked, believed and received for a totally unproductive day at work and wouldn't you know it that's exactly what materialized. And I'm not talking about your run of the mill lack of productivity, we're talking record breaking levels of being unproductive. In fact, the principles of the Secret are so powerful that it's going on about 7 days straight. That may have something to do with the fact that I haven't yet asked, believed or received for a return to productivity but that's neither here nor there right now.
Listen, I'm gonna level with you. This whole thing just boiled to the surface yesterday. See, I drove about an hour and a half out of town to go to a concert on Tuesday night. A concert that I had been looking forward to for months. So despite the Doppler 9000 predictions of a big winter storm, I hit the open road with the unwavering optimism that has become my trademark. The drive there was fine, the concert amazing but things kind of got dicey from there. While at the concert, approximately two feet of snow fell and as we left the concert the skies opened up and began raining down ice pellets to the point where we could barely walk down the street without getting chunks of ice lodged in our faces. Let's just say it wasn't your best work. Obviously the road conditions were treacherous to say the least. With the sound of my mother's voice in my head, I decided to stay overnight with a friend to avoid risking life and limb. The conditions were so bad that I probably should have phoned into work the next day and said "See ya tomorrow suckers.....if you're lucky!" (which FYI is my traditional greeting when informing my boss I won't be in for the day). The problem was that there was too much going on at work that day for me to phone in and I knew I had to be there. Ordinarily I'm a big fan of phoning it in when it comes to work but I'm a lot better at doing it in the figurative sense as opposed to the literal one. I guess I have my parents to blame for that. Not for the fact that I phone it in on occasion at work but for the fact that I rarely miss work. They instilled in us the importance of showing up to school or work no matter the possible (and often likely) risks we posed to ourselves and those around us. Like that time in the second grade when I was up for the perfect attendance award so they sent me to school with the chicken pox and I ended up infecting half of the school. Yeah, I wasn't so popular after that...but come to think of it I wasn't so popular before that either...but I digress. You might have seen the movie that was based loosely on my experience? It starred Morgan Freeman and was called "Outbreak". Listen, all's I'm saying is that if two feet of snow, a plague like downpour of ice pellets and a two hour drive that takes five can't get a sister a day off from work then it just seems a bit pointless to me.
Here's the deal - I'm not unreasonable so I'd like to think we can come to some sort of an agreement before things get out of hand. Here are your options: If you get me a day off work within the next week I'll call the whole thing off. If not, you leave me no choice but to open up a can of "The Secret" on you and you do that at your peril.
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