Sarcasm: The Ultimate Career Killer

So if the first step is recognizing the problem then I am there. In fact I was there a while ago. It’s just that critical second step that continues to elude me. When I started my first full time job I realized that I was going to have to rein in the level of sarcasm I used in the work setting. So for the most part during my professional career I’ve shown a great deal of restraint in this area but as of late seem to having increasing difficulty activating my internal filter.

So let me begin by setting the stage. It was taco salad day in the employee cafeteria which is pretty much the standout menu item at our sad excuse for a cafeteria. People wait months for taco salad day and it always arrive with much fanfare. The cafeteria is always packed to standing room only capacity. I’m a particularly big fan of taco salad day so I had corralled a group of colleagues from my department to join me for lunch.

As we sat there the taco salad, witty repartee, and clever rejoinders were flowing like wine. It was almost reminiscent of that scene in Dumb & Dumber when Jim Carrey’s character is dreaming about being with the Lauren Holly character and he's sitting around with all of her friends and every joke he tells is the funniest joke ever told. Except in this version I’m the Jim Carrey character and everything is actually very funny. Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a bit but we were all very much enjoying our brief reprieve from the life-sucking force that is our day to day work life. As our laughter echoed through the cafeteria our boss made his way into the cafeteria. Fortunately our table was full and in fact we had started a waiting list so there really wasn’t room for Mr. Lifesucker himself. Our lunch continued without incident until our boss got up from the table he had been sitting at and made his way out of the cafeteria. On his way out he stopped by to say hello and commented “Well everyone seems to be enjoying themselves over here. You seem to be a very happy bunch today”. Then quicker than you could say career limiting move I replied “Well, I’m sure you’ll take care of that”. This of course resulted in uproarious laughter from the table. As we read the reaction on my boss’ face this soon turned into nervous laughter closely followed by the sound of a pin dropping at our table. My boss was obviously offended and made some awkward response about how we should get back to work and then walked away. At this point I officially felt bad which was not helped by the fact that the guy sitting next to me then said “Well, it’s been great working with you”. I felt like saying “I wish I could say the same for you” but I thought better of it since my inability to filter my internal dialogue was what had gotten me into this in the first place. I think I may end up apologizing to my boss but suffice it to say this incident served as a wake up call and a reminder that not every clever retort needs to see the light of day. I’m not really too worried about the “glass ceiling” limiting my career progression at this point. I’m way too busy building my own glass barricade constructed solely of offensive one-liners.

And We're Back...

After a bit of a hiatus I am back. I know it probably seems that I’ve just been lazy or uninspired but nothing could be further from the truth. In fact I’ve been pretty busy doing some of my most important life’s work. I started doing some soul searching a few months ago and started thinking about what my legacy was going to be here on this earth. You know, how was I going to be remembered and what was I going to leave behind? It was a very short and insignificant list and ended up being a very sobering time of reflection which soon turned into a not so sobering time of further reflection. Needless to say I realized I had essentially wasted a great deal of time. However, I also realized that I still had a chance to make something of my life. So I decided that the best way to make sure that I was remembered was to solve an important global problem. I began by making a list of some of the world’s greatest problems and figured I’d narrow it down from there. Here’s what the first draft of the list looked like:

1. The Middle East Situation
2. Global Warming
3. Polio

After perusing the list I decided to start by choosing the item on the list that I knew would have the most impact. This of course was the polio epidemic. However, after doing extensive research I was surprised to learn that apparently somebody had already beaten me to the punch on this one and found a cure a few years ago. Boy I wish my pediatrician had known about that. Ah well, it was an honest oversight I’m sure. Plus, my limp is barely noticeable to most people as long as I’m not moving. From there I decided to start with the low hanging fruit and so I began researching this middle east situation. To get a little perspective I watched the movie “Munich” which from what I could gather pretty much pulls the entire story together into a very concise yet entertaining story. I learned two things from this movie. First, there will never be peace in the middle east and second, Eric Bana has a butt that won’t quit.

Although a little discouraged, I decided to soldier on. So I moved to the next item on my list which was global warming. I was so inspired by Al Gore’s “Inconvenient Truth” that I decided to start doing my part. First of all, can I just say how fascinating I find Al Gore. Here’s a guy who was a senator, a vice president, invented the internet, won/lost a presidential election is now attempting to put an end to global warming but probably still can’t get more than five people outside of a blue state to vote for him. What does a brother have to do to get some respect? A word to the wise here Al – quit doing things that matter since obviously nobody cares. Speaking of Al Gore I was just going through some boxes the other day and came across this bumper sticker I bought during the 2000 election that said “Nixon in 2000. At least he’s not as stiff as Gore.” C’mon you have to agree that’s pretty funny? Okay, you don’t. So back to me and Al Gore vs. global warming… So I decided the first step in my fight for the environment was to stop making fun of people with hybrid cars. This was when I realized that real progress doesn’t come without meaningful sacrifices. Next, I reduced my usage of CFC producing aerosol hairspray down to two bottles a day. Those of you who know me best will understand when I say that this was where the rubber really meets the road for me. Let me tell you for the first couple of days people barely recognized me. Fortunately though I found that not only was this a good move for the environment but also from a safety perspective as I realized that if someone had come within ten feet of me with any type of heat source I would have been lit up like a roman candle. Anyway, I really felt like I was making some progress That was until Christmas day rolls around and I realize I’m outside in what used to be referred to as the “Great White North” and it’s raining not snowing and I’m wearing a long sleeved shirt no jacket and feeling quite comfortable. That’s when this global warming thing really hit home. Fortunately, just as I was about to pull my Hummer out of storage to resume using it as my grocery-getter the temperature started to plummet and as of today I can spend no more than ten seconds outside without losing total feeling in my extremities. Now that’s what I call progress! Sure I have third degree frostbite and I may lose a toe or two but if Gandhi could go without a few big macs for the sake of his beliefs who am I to complain?