Word to the Wise

“It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others”.

Definitely one of my favourite quotes and one that I try to live it on a daily basis. In keeping with that I would like to impart some wise counsel to you. So here it is: Do not under any circumstance watch more than three Oprah’s in one sitting. Okay, you’re probably asking yourself “Who has the time to watch more than three Oprah’s in a row?” A very good question and one to which there is only one correct answer – me. Ordinarily I’m not in the habit of watching three hours of Oprah in one sitting but this was an extenuating circumstance. I had been on vacation for a couple of weeks and so when I came back I had to work through all of the TV shows that were recorded while I was away. I started by working through my backlog of Gilmore Girls recordings. I mean who can resist this tender yet entertaining mother-daughter drama/comedy? Not me that’s for sure.

So I’m no longer ashamed to admit that I quite enjoy Oprah. I find her show both informative and entertaining. Yes she’s quite full of herself but I’m guessing it would be hard not to be with all of that money and power. So initially I had planned to see what each show was about and then delete the ones that didn’t interest me and move one. Five hours and one box of Kleenex later I realized that things hadn’t exactly gone according to plan. In my defense it is May sweeps which means that every show is impossible to turn off. It started out with a show on marriage with the first guest being Lance Armstrong’s ex-wife. Anyway, the former Mrs. Armstrong (she still kept Armstrong as her last name which I found interesting) had recently written an article for Glamour magazine about the “conspiracy of marriage”(Her words not mine people. I kind of wish they were though.). Unfortunately she didn’t talk any smack about Lance which was really what I was looking for. She mainly talked about how she lost her identity when she got married and forgot who she was. Maybe this was news to some people but I just though “yeah take a number”. Things got even more interesting when Dr. Robin started talking about her failed marriage. For those who don’t know Dr. Robin, she’s the show’s resident psychologist/advice giver. She’s kind of like Dr. Phil except with insight and no condescension or Texas accent. The final segment of the show had a couple that was getting married in two week but the girl was having doubts. Why this girl would want to go on national tv and publicly announce her misgivings is still baffling to me. She insisted that she was still going to go through with it which I guess was supposed to be reassuring but I’m guessing that movement on her wedding registry that day was a little slow.

Now for show #2… This one of course was another real pick me up. It was a follow up to a previous show done a couple of years previous. The previous show was about children who had been molested. This particular boy had been molested by his mother’s live-in boyfriend for number of years. His mother found out and asked the guy to get help. Fortunately this woman had an unending capacity for unconditional love because once he got “help” she got back together with him and as you can imagine this story ended well. Oh wait, not at all. Turns out he started raping her son again on a daily basis. Eventually she kicked him out and that was the end of the first show. The follow up show took a “surprising” turn. The son was on the show and talked about what had happened since he had been on the show with his mother. The good news was that his mother had eventually found lasting and undying love and had recently been married. The bad news was that it was to the same man who molested her son.

If you’re keeping score I’ve now lost all faith in humanity and the institution of marriage. Still can’t turn the TV off for some reason.

Show #3 was a tour of Oprah’s gardens at her home in Santa Barbara. I know this show shouldn’t have depressed me but something about seeing other people's things that I will never have just sunk me deeper into despair.

Fortunately, just when I was about to hit the pause button and go slit my wrists the show was over. However I did realize something quite interesting. After watching shows about people getting molested, divorced, cheated on, and being murdered in the Sudan I actually started to feel better. Yes I will agree all of their stories were quite sad but it also made me realize that I didn't have it so bad. There's something quite powerful in knowing that no matter how bad I think I've got it, somebody out there's got it worse. Although this contentment seems to only last until I remember all of the people that have it better than me. Well, I guess I better get back to Oprah.

Smell You Later

I am calling for an end to commercial air travel as we know it. I’ve never particularly enjoyed flying but I just took my first trans-atlantic flight (yeah I don’t get out much) which really solidified my thoughts on the need for reform.

A couple of quick suggestions for the airlines which I believe would go along way to not only improving the air travel experience but may also play a significant role in moving us closer to world peace.

1. When assigning seats to passengers could you also assign arm rests?

2. Do not announce over the loud speakers what is going on up in business class. The herded cattle back here in "hospitality" service don’t want to know. I thought that's what the curtain was there for? You know that whole "ignorance is bliss" thing. Here’s an example of what not so say based on my recent experience: “For our passengers in hospitality service the entertainment will begin shortly and the first movie being shown is “Aeon Flux” which by the way was recently nominated for worst movie of the year. For our passengers in business class your personal movie selections will be available shortly. Also for our passengers in business class our on board masseuse will be by momentarily followed by your personal chef who will be preparing your meal. For those in hospitality service, all of the food that falls on the floor in business class will be salvaged and served to you later in the flight. Thanks and enjoy your flight."

Now a few Do's and Don’ts for my fellow passengers:

Do Not:

Marinate yourself in any of the following spices prior to flying: Curry powder, cumin or garlic. Although all quite delicious when prepared properly they are also quite pungent when combined with body odour and confined spaces.

Remove your shoes and rest your feet underneath the seat in front of ME. If you don’t have enough room underneath the seat in front of you, guess what, neither do I!

Travel with an infant that cries non-stop unless you have had them fitted with a muzzle and are prepared to use it.

Expect to store more than one carry on bag in the overhead compartment. If you have chosen to bring five pieces of “carry-on” baggage on board I sure hope that at least four of them are going to detonate before take-off because there is not an infinite amount of overhead storage space available. I don’t think it’s fair that I have to store my ONE carry on bag under my seat while you have five of them stored away.

Do:

Wash your turban and whatever’s in and around it more than once annually.

Use deodorant prior to boarding the plane. However if for some reason there are extenuating circumstance which prevent you from using deodorant, do not sit with your arms behind your head while seated next to someone who has a working nose.