If It's Not One Thing, It's Your Mother

So I’ve got a couple of friends who are doing what I consider to be one of the scariest things known to mankind. They’re having kids. So it got me thinking about why people have kids. Is it just something everyone thinks they're supposed to be doing? Is anybody out there thinking about the enormous downside? Sure there's the upside and there's no shortage of parents out there saying what an amazing and rewarding experience parenthood can be. I’ve got to be honest though, a small part of me wonders if they’re just telling the rest of us that because misery loves company.

So I decided to go to the person I go to with all of life's big questions. Unfortunately my internet connection was down and I couldn’t get onto Askjeeves.com so I decided to go to the next best thing…my mom. I figured this was a good place to start especially with her being responsible for giving me life and all. So I asked my mom why she decided to have kids. She gave me a simple answer. “I could so I thought I should.” This was followed by “I think therefore I am”. Okay, scratch the second part but I think her quote is just as profound. Sure it wasn’t what I was looking for but it was the truth and I think it’s what a lot of people, if they answered honestly, would come up with. Ultimately, a working set of ovaries isn’t enough reason for me to want to have kids but apparently it was for my mom and for that I am eternally grateful.

So I guess in the grand scheme of things when it comes to parenting, why you do it is far less important than how you do it. So I've put together a brief "How Not To" list for parents based on personal experience and observation which at the very least can serve as a warning to others.

Here goes...

When dropping your children off at school don’t honk the horn and wave as you’re pulling away. First of all, the horn on your car is not a dog whistle. Not only does your child hear it but so does everyone else on the playground and it’s embarrassing. Plus, there’s no reason why you can’t get all of your goodbyes taken care of while in the confines of the vehicle or better yet at home. If your child is smart and decides not to acknowledge the “honk and the wave” don’t be upset; it’s called survival and they will go far in life.

If you have four children and you want to take a road trip…don’t. That is unless you actually have a vehicle with seating for a family of six. There is such a thing as too much family bonding.

If you’re at a grocery store or a mall or some sort of public place and your child has a major temper tantrum do not a) Go about your business & pretend it’s not happening or b) verbally or physically abuse your child into submission. Here is a simple procedure I’ve developed to deal with this very tricky situation: First, leave the scene of the tantrum immediately. It doesn’t matter what you were in the middle of. Drop it and get out of there. You are not going to correct this situation in the middle of a busy grocery store on a Saturday afternoon. You screwed this up long before you got to the grocery store. What you need to do is get your annoying kid out of the store so the rest of us don't have to continue to pay for your mistakes. Once you’ve returned home you need to lock your child up and start putting together a timeline to identify precisely when things went south for you as a parent. Once you’ve identified the root cause of your failure and fixed it, feel free to take little Jimmy with you wherever you go. Until such time though, your little beelzebub needs to stay away from public places.

Please be aware that your wardrobe does have a direct impact on your children's social development. You don't need to be a trendy dresser but if you care about your children you will avoid these items:
For Fathers: speedos, shorty shorts, white sport socks pulled up to your knees with a pair of shorty shorts, leather pants
For Mothers: Short skirts with long jackets, Mom Jeans
Both: Ear muffs, anything with excessive shoulder padding, short pants, tight jeans (they're too tight if people can count the change in your pocket)

If you think that your child has musical talent and you’d like to see them channel that in a productive manner - the accordion is not a good starter instrument. It may in fact sour them to the idea of music entirely and cause them to have dreams about severing their own hands in order to avoid playing another polka when company comes over.

When dropping your child off at university for the first time, don’t let your parting words to them be “You’re never going to make any friends unless you smile more.” Boy was she wrong. Turns out my personality was the problem.

To Make a Short Story Long

I’ve been thinking that there are some everyday sayings that we may need to revisit because they have become completely pointless. The first saying up for nomination is “To Make a Long Story Short….” I recently had someone at work relay a story to me that took them over an hour to tell. Within the span of that one hour he said “to make a long story short” four times. To clarify, there were not multiple stories within stories that he was telling me. There was just one story. As a rule of thumb I am suggesting that if you are telling a story and at some point within a story you realize you’ve said “To Make a long story short” four times, your story is officially no longer short and it’s never going to be. To be fair, I didn’t have a problem with the fact that the story took an hour to tell. What I did have a problem with was the continuing promise of a short story that never materialized. The other reason this saying is pointless is that if you do have a long story that you’re planning on making short, there’s no need to announce it. Just do it and we’ll figure it out.

Another one of my personal favourites is “No offence”. It’s used all too frequently as an attempt to cushion the blow of something that is invariably quite offensive. For example – “No offence but are you partially retarded? No seriously, did your mother drop you on your head as a child?” OR “It’s really not that surprising that you’re single. No offence.”

This isn’t a completely useless saying however. If used prior to an offensive comment it does give the person on the receiving end fair warning of the impending offensive comment which can be slightly helpful. However, I am suggesting a replacement saying that I think is a little more to the point and will still serve the same purpose. Instead of saying “No offence” before we offend someone, I’m suggesting we just say “Attention. I’m about to say something quite hurtful that will probably scar you for life”. This allows the person on the receiving end a bit of a heads up and at the very least affords them the opportunity to make a run for it or club the offending party in the knee, if they so choose.

A couple of other quick ones:

“There are no stupid questions.” Yeah, there are. A stupid person with a lot of stupid questions came up with this saying.

“It’s always the last place you look isn’t it?” Of course it is. Why would I keep looking for something once I’ve found it?

“It’s the thought that counts.” Yeah sorry, wrong again. It’s actually been proven mathematically: Thinking - Action = Useless. I could be wrong. That is if you’ve had any success with this line: “I thought about getting you a trip to Paris for your birthday but I hope you like this paperweight instead.” Let me know how that one works out for you.

Engineers

www.despair.com

How Not to Lose a Friend in 10 Days

So I’ve got this friend (heretofore referred to as “Friend”) & recently I’ve started wondering why we’re friends. I’ve tried every subtle way I could come up with to gracefully ride our friendship off into the sunset or exit our friendship stage left if you will, but thus far have been unsuccessful. I really didn’t envision the process being as difficult as it has been. Ideally, friendships end mutually, or in my case very badly. But what happens when the other person doesn’t get the hint? Of course there are lots of rather unpleasant ways to end a friendship which I will not list here. But I had hoped to do it in a way that was somewhat dignified. This would mean that a lot of the traditional methods ie. lying, stealing, insulting the memory of their favourite childhood pet would not be acceptable. This is where it got tricky.

I started by not returning phone calls but quickly realized that if that was an effective method of ending friendships I would have been friendless years ago. Next step… Use any means necessary to avoid contact or social situations with the individual in question. This would traditionally be a fairly painless process. Unfortunately, “Friend” is a very persistent individual. For example, when a conversation would move towards planning a social encounter I would attempt to apply a very standard avoidance method. Generally a specific day is suggested at which point I would say that I was busy. This would lead to a follow up question as to the details of my activities on that day. It’s easy enough to fill up one day with pretend activities like teeth capping, dog petting, cat walking, etc… But one day of pretend activities wasn’t enough. “Friend” would then suggest another day followed by another, and another until I’ve completely run out of pretend activities as well as dignity. So by this point in the conversation my defenses are down and all of a sudden the idea of getting together doesn’t seem quite as unpleasant as the prospect of continuing the present conversation.

Step three of the friend extrication process is a little more drastic. It involves entering the friend relocation program. This step does require a great deal of commitment as well as a U-Haul. It should only be invoked in extreme cases. Speaking from personal experience this works best if you are willing to move more than three hours away and if the friend in question doesn’t have a car. Ultimately, though I can’t say that this has been an entirely effective option either.

At this point you may be wondering why anyone would want to be my friend this badly. This would ordinarily be a slightly offensive question to ask someone but I realize it’s a fair one when it applies to me. Unfortunately, I’ve yet to come up with an answer. You’re also probably wondering what could be so horrible about this friendship that I feel the need to go to such great lengths to end it. There was no real pivotal “jump the shark” moment per se. I guess I just have a few basic requirements/expectations of those within my social circle that “Friend” has violated.

1. Thou shalt not try to engage in extensive conversations while in the bathroom stall of a public restroom. There is no conversation that is so pressing that it can’t wait until you are outside the confines of the bathroom.
2. Thou shalt not answer cell phone calls while in the middle of a meal at a restaurant. I firmly believe that cell phones are of the devil. We weren’t meant to be in constant contact with our entire circle of friends & family. I mean if grandma’s on her last legs and you’re waiting to hear if they’ve pulled the plug on the life support then by all means take that call. But not every cell phone call needs to be answered. (Then again, if grandma’s on life support why are you out having a leisurely dinner with a friend?)
3. Thou shalt not discuss you & your boyfriend’s sex life with me in great detail. (I think this one’s self explanatory.)
4. Thou shalt not be a bad tipper. If you can’t afford at least 15% then you should be eating in.
5. Thou shalt not kill. (This doesn’t necessarily apply to “Friend” but I just think it’s generally a good rule of thumb.)

I realize that I could be an adult and be honest with “Friend” about the situation but why ruin a good thing. Plus, everyone knows there’s no room for honesty in a good friendship.

There is one sure fire way to end a friendship that I’ve yet to try. That’s because the only truly effective way I’ve come across to end a friendship is to be in someone’s wedding party. It’s not a traditional choice but based on personal experience and observation it is highly effective. Webster actually defines a wedding as “an event aimed at ending friendships, and any fond memories associated with said friendship”. (I’m loosely paraphrasing here but I think you get the point.) Unfortunately, since marriage is involved here, this option does require a bit more commitment than the relocation option and also may require a U-Haul. And since marriage is not something that I would enter into lightly (or at all for that matter), it begs the question “Am I willing to spend a lifetime in a loveless marriage for the sake of ending this friendship?” I guess when I think about it that way maybe this friendship isn’t so bad. Although, if I have to endure one more heart to heart in a bathroom stall, a marriage of convenience may be just what the doctor ordered.